Tween daughter said she hates me because of divorce

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced mom, I've been divorced for almost 5 years now. My 11 year old has been acting out lately in school and at home. She got in trouble cursing out her teacher and I when I tried to talk to her about her behavior she told me she hates me and that I ruined everything. She said I ruined my marriage and ruined the family by getting divorced (I got divorced because my ex cheated). She said she no longer has a real family thanks to me and how she prefers to be around her dad his family because she can't stand to be around me. I have to admit that it hurt my feelings hearing all this. We were always close and I've done everything possible to give her a good life. I don't know what else I can do. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Hormones. I'm sorry that's hard.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she could live with Dad for a while? Through adolescence would be great, then he can deal with the outbursts and mood swings.

[Anonymous]

Time to tell her he cheated.
Discuss it once. No details needed
She's old enough to hear
I say this assuming you do not bad mouth him usually

[Anonymous]

Agree with her.

Yes you got divorced and it sucks and you were part of ruining the family she wanted... And you are sorry.

Tell her you love her and you are sorry she does not have the family she wishes she had.

Ask her what you can do to make it better.

Then cry to your best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to tell her he cheated.
Discuss it once. No details needed
She's old enough to hear
I say this assuming you do not bad mouth him usually

He cheated on his wife not his daughter. None of her business. Its the age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to tell her he cheated.
Discuss it once. No details needed
She's old enough to hear
I say this assuming you do not bad mouth him usually

He cheated on his wife not his daughter. None of her business. Its the age.

I don't think she should tell about the affair. But he made a decision that cheating was more important than his daughter's well being. Call it what you want but he made a decision. She will eventually find out but 11 is not the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to tell her he cheated.
Discuss it once. No details needed
She's old enough to hear
I say this assuming you do not bad mouth him usually

He cheated on his wife not his daughter. None of her business. Its the age.

Hmm... I would tell her some version of the truth. If you don't, and she learns it later, there can always be recriminations that you hid this from her, and that she should have known sooner, etc.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her the truth. My mom left my dad for a year and I was very angry with her. My grandmother spilled the beans that he was a cheater. I still love my dad but I no longer have any illusions about him.

[Anonymous]

Mom was not really left with any option but divorce. The daughter is the one raising the subject. Time to discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to tell her he cheated.
Discuss it once. No details needed
She's old enough to hear
I say this assuming you do not bad mouth him usually

He cheated on his wife not his daughter. None of her business. Its the age.

Hmm... I would tell her some version of the truth. If you don't, and she learns it later, there can always be recriminations that you hid this from her, and that she should have known sooner, etc.

I told my daughter, who was 5 and, a very verbally mature kid, that parents have to agree about a lot of important things to stay married - how much time they spend together, how much time they spend apart, who they spend their time apart with, money, careers, how they care for each other, etc. I told her that Daddy and I had disagreements, that we got someone to help us (a therapist) make an agreement but we couldn't.

I also told her that I was very sad too, because I had hoped Daddy and I would be married for the rest of our lives, but sometimes things don't work out like you want despite your best efforts. I told her that even when bad things happen we can move on and still be happy in other ways. I emphasized that both Dad and I would still spend lots of time together.

While you don't have to tell her about the cheating, do tell her firmly that Dad every bit as much responsibility for this situation, even if she isn't old enough to know the details. You may choose to ask your ex to take responsibility for the end of the relationship, but if he was the kind of man whi could take responsibility for things, it's unlikely he would have cheated.

I tried to avoid the L word. I still loved her dad even though he was toxic to us. If I said I stopped loving Dad, then of course, I could stop loving her.

Do not give up time with her. As a parent, say quietly but firmly, that you understand she is angry, and it is OK to talk about it with you, but it is not OK to yell, call horrible names, etc. because that's not the way we treat anyone, even when we're furious. Tell her directly that you love her, want time with her and will not agree to letting her live away from you.

Keep spending time with her, be persistent, try to have fun together, make sure plenty of friends are coming over. Remember that she is getting angry at you because you are safe - she knows you will not give her up.

FWIW, my kids will know when they are older (like high school). Keeping sectets is very distortive and corrosive to the family. I won't keep this secret forever, doing so is bad for all of us.

[Anonymous]

^"spend time together" - with her obvs

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I won't tell her that her dad cheated, eventually she'll figured it out on her own.

[Anonymous]

I assume some of this is the age. 11-year-olds can be assholes. It's why middle school sucks - all those hormones with no place to go.

I wouldn't tell her he cheated, but I would tell her that left to your own devices, you would not be divorced and there is a lot more to the story than she can possibly understand right now. Someday she will understand how hard relationships can be. And that if you had stayed together, the constant fighting or resentment would have made for a very tense household. You didn't want her growing up in that environment.

Just stay the course and try not to take it personally. She doesn't hate you; she feels comfortable enough with you to lash out and know that you won't/can't walk away. I used to tell my mother I hated her too. I feel bad about it now, but judging from what my friends say, it's pretty standard stuff for this age.

[Anonymous]

Her cursing out her teacher has nothing to do with a divorce or marriage. Tell her to get her shit together and to pick another excuse