Reply to Tween daughter said she hates me because of divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Time to tell her he cheated. 
Discuss it once. No details needed
She's old enough to hear
I say this assuming you do not bad mouth him usually[/quote]

He cheated on his wife not his daughter.  None of her business.  Its the age.[/quote]

Hmm... I would tell her some version of the truth. If you don't, and she learns it later, there can always be recriminations that you hid this from her, and that she should have known sooner, etc.

[/quote]

I told my daughter, who was 5 and, a very verbally mature kid, that parents have to agree about a lot of important things to stay married -  how much time they spend together, how much time they spend apart, who they spend their time apart with, money, careers, how they care for each other, etc.  I told her that Daddy and I had disagreements, that we got someone to help us (a therapist) make an agreement but we couldn't.

I also told her that I was very sad too, because I had hoped Daddy and I would be married for the rest of our lives, but sometimes things don't work out like you want despite your best efforts.  I told her that even when bad things happen we can move on and still be happy in other ways.  I emphasized that both Dad and I would still spend lots of time together.

While you don't have to tell her about the cheating, do tell her firmly that Dad every bit as much responsibility for this situation, even if she isn't old enough to know the details.  You may choose to ask your ex to take responsibility for the end of the relationship, but if he was the kind of man whi could take responsibility for things, it's unlikely he would have cheated.

I tried to avoid the L word.  I still loved her dad even though he was toxic to us.  If I said I stopped loving Dad, then of course, I could stop loving her.

Do not give up time with her.  As a parent, say quietly but firmly, that you understand she is angry, and it is OK to talk about it with you, but it is not OK to yell, call horrible names, etc. because that's not the way we treat anyone, even when we're furious.  Tell her directly that you love her, want time with her and will not agree to letting her live away from you.

Keep spending time with her, be persistent, try to have fun together, make sure plenty of friends are coming over.  Remember that she is getting angry at you because you are safe - she knows you will not give her up.

FWIW, my kids will know when they are older (like high school).  Keeping sectets is very distortive and corrosive to the family.  I won't keep this secret forever, doing so is bad for all of us.[/quote]

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