Tween daughter said she hates me because of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her cursing out her teacher has nothing to do with a divorce or marriage. Tell her to get her shit together and to pick another excuse

This.

[Anonymous]

Divorce is really hard on kids.
I know that so many parents talk about how well their child coped and it wasn't that big of a deal but this scenario shows how that thinking is so short sighted.
Now OPs DD is at a point where she can articulate her feelings and she is doing that now and will continue to do so.
It's not about tell her the reasons why the divorce but it's about acknowledging that the situation sucks, that she is unhappy with it, that it is a difficult thing that children process it differently and in different ways then adults.
It's not a one time discussion, it's going to be continual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is really hard on kids.
I know that so many parents talk about how well their child coped and it wasn't that big of a deal but this scenario shows how that thinking is so short sighted.
Now OPs DD is at a point where she can articulate her feelings and she is doing that now and will continue to do so.
It's not about tell her the reasons why the divorce but it's about acknowledging that the situation sucks, that she is unhappy with it, that it is a difficult thing that children process it differently and in different ways then adults.
It's not a one time discussion, it's going to be continual.

+1. Little kids are often more ok with it, but as they grow older and start to catch on that they will alway be dealing with joint custody hassles and that divorce is not just some unfortunate happenstance but the result of adults' choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her cursing out her teacher has nothing to do with a divorce or marriage. Tell her to get her shit together and to pick another excuse

I disagree. My son had a friend going though a divorce with an affair and he was acting out so much. Normally a meek kid actually attacked my older son physically. Personally I think he knew my son would not kick his ass and it was a cry for help.

Another boy's mom was going through chemo and attacked my younger son at school. Needless to say, I had the counselor at school deal with it instead of punishing the boy.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I am sorry you are dealing with this, it seems as if the fallout of a divorce never ends. I expect that I will deal with something similar in my kids in the future and it hurts to think that even though I did nothing to destroy the marriage, I get the blame.

Anyway, stay true to who you are and let the chips fall. No matter what, kids are biologically programmed to love their parents and you and your daughter will get through this phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to tell her he cheated.
Discuss it once. No details needed
She's old enough to hear
I say this assuming you do not bad mouth him usually

He cheated on his wife not his daughter. None of her business. Its the age.

Cheating on spouse equals cheating on entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her cursing out her teacher has nothing to do with a divorce or marriage. Tell her to get her shit together and to pick another excuse

Yes it does. She is feeling a lot of anger because of the divorce, and is venting it at school.

[Anonymous]

Mothers and daughters are often a bad mix at this age. I'm sorry.

Signed, a Dad who sees it in his own house and struggles to be supportive to both females in question without getting in the middle of their squabbles.

[Anonymous]

Is dad now living with / married to his former AP? He is now with the woman he cheated on you with? If so, that can be your way to explain it: "We had to get divorced because daddy preferred to be with Tanqueray rather than me."

That also might get some of DDs anger pointed in the right direction, if you know what I mean...

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry- our kids always throw us for a loop-But they change like the weather and all we can do is be strong for them and consistant. Many Blessings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to tell her he cheated.
Discuss it once. No details needed
She's old enough to hear
I say this assuming you do not bad mouth him usually

He cheated on his wife not his daughter. None of her business. Its the age.

Cheating on spouse equals cheating on entire family.

I fully agree. If a parent cheats on a spouse, that parent is cheating on the entire family. When you lie about where you are going, whom you are with, and where your commitments, mind and heart are, you are doing that to your entire family. If you want to get divorced, do it. Be open about your reasons, and MoveOn. Not a great situation, but at least not filled with lies and betrayal to everyone around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her cursing out her teacher has nothing to do with a divorce or marriage. Tell her to get her shit together and to pick another excuse

I disagree. My son had a friend going though a divorce with an affair and he was acting out so much. Normally a meek kid actually attacked my older son physically. Personally I think he knew my son would not kick his ass and it was a cry for help.

Another boy's mom was going through chemo and attacked my younger son at school. Needless to say, I had the counselor at school deal with it instead of punishing the boy.

Time for some Tae Kwon Do for your sons, pp.

[Anonymous]

I'd look into getting full custody and having your ex's access to your daughter either completely restricted or at the very least limited to supervised visits only.

It's pretty clear that he's manipulating her, and causing a rift between the two of you. The only thing that's going to stop that is to get her away from him.

I'd even consider getting another job and moving far away to ensure they didn't see each other, or that it was extremely expensive and inconvenient for him to see her, if I couldn't outright prevent it.

It's sad, but the reality is the family court system has the odds heavily stacked in favor of men's rights to see their children. And sometimes you have to take extreme measures to outsmart visitation rulings.

[Anonymous]

She's trying to change the subject to keep from getting in trouble. Now you feel guilty and she's getting positive attention instead of getting in severe trouble for cursing at a teacher.

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel any better, OP, my 11 yo DD hates me for breathing.
I am hoping it is an age/hormonal thing that will pass.