I don't want to give money to my friend until he cuts expenses!

[Anonymous]

I feel like when you give a gift, you should give willingly and without judging the situation. However....my ex boyfriend lives with his parents and contributes to the household monetarily. He works 2 jobs. His father was originally the bread winner of the family but his business crashed several years ago. they pretty much went from 800k HHI to 100k. His mother recently got a part time job (she is 68 and has never worked outside the home). They are not doing well right now and need some help paying their bills. I offered to write a check this month to help cover some of the bills in their house. I do feel that I would be better off giving thief money if they didn't have such high expenses!

They moved to a smaller house when the business went up, but it is still a large home with a large mortgage. They still have a cleaner come twice a week and they are still driving their expensive cars (which require expensive tune ups). I feel like an ass for putting conditions on a gift, but I don't want to float them every month when they are short on money. Is it too much to ask that they cut expenses before I write a check? If anything the money will go farther if they are spending more modestly. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Either give money that can be considered gone willingly and with no judgment, or don't offer.

[Anonymous]

Don't give them anything. You are just enabling them further; there's no reason at all that they can't make it work on 100k.

If you want to help someone, give your money to a family that actually needs it, not well-off people who refuse to live within their means.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely CANNOT tell them how to live their lives or spend their money. You just can't.

Advice? Don't give them money. Why should you? Where do they live? Why can't they get by on $100k for three people. Unless you continue to give them money regularly, how do you envision them getting out of their current financial situation?

[Anonymous]

Why did you offer money???

[Anonymous]

How much money are you talking op ?

[Anonymous]

You're very kind, OP, and shouldn't regret your first impulse. Just give money one time and feel good about it. Then in the future you can suggest to your ex ways for them to cut expenses.

I don't think you should judge them too quickly anyway. They moved already, and it must be very hard for them to downsize their lifestyle. We've lived on 100K as a family of 4, but we were earning less before that, so of course we made it work! They're doing the opposite and for them it's a steep learning curve.

[Anonymous]

omg MYOFB.

[Anonymous]

I'd pay for them to attend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and if they trim down then maybe give them money. I couldn't imagine giving money to someone who had a cleaner coming twice a week.

[Anonymous]

i didn't even know people had cleaners come more than once a week. wow.

[Anonymous]

Yeah they're still living above their means. Don't give them money and MYOB.

[Anonymous]

(1) Why did you offer?
(2) Why are you so in the know on your ex's family's finances?
(3) Don't do this. You need to detach. This is not healthy at all.

When they get desperate, they will do what they need to do. 3 adults can live off $100K. They're not poor or suffering. Put your money to good use.

[Anonymous]

This is your ex boyfriend??? Stay out of it. Would he give you money to pay your rent/mortgage if you needed it? Unless he's the father of your child and his parents are the grandparents, you should not be so invested in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, is bm ever give money to someone who pays for a housecleaner. This is your ex. His family makes six figures. They are not a charity case!

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Don't enable.