Helping my DS be okay with being an average athlete

[Anonymous]

My 14-year old lives and loves to play sports--two in particular. But as he progresses through middle school, it has become clear that he is a skilled athlete, who really knows his games, but is just lacking that essential fire to be really good at them. He was just moved down from the A to the B team in his current team and he as looks toward high school is beginning to understand that he may not be able to play on the teams there. Given these have been his whole life, how do I help him find a way to feel okay about this? I can tell it's making him feel bad, and I think is really affecting his self-esteem all around. I have encouraged him for years to find other interests, but nothing seems to interest him. Has anyone else helped there not so great athlete get through high school feeling happy enough not playing or at best, riding the bench?

[Anonymous]

When our son was cut from his travel soccer team he just moved to rec soccer. He managed to make his HS JV team but sat the bench a lot and never made varsity. He didn't seem to mind since there were others in his situation he go a lot of playing time through the rec team which played year round. He now plays club soccer at his college so go figure - he's not the best but really loves the sport and I think it will be a part of his life for years to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When our son was cut from his travel soccer team he just moved to rec soccer. He managed to make his HS JV team but sat the bench a lot and never made varsity. He didn't seem to mind since there were others in his situation he go a lot of playing time through the rec team which played year round. He now plays club soccer at his college so go figure - he's not the best but really loves the sport and I think it will be a part of his life for years to come.

That is great. He sounds like an awesome kid.

[Anonymous]

Maybe in high school he can switch to cross country?

[Anonymous]

Also there are all of the team sports the kids play when they are younger, but then there are things like golf, rock climbing, kayaking etc that are lifelong activities, so there are athletic pursuits that aren't the soccer/baseball/lax/hoops that dominate youth sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 14-year old lives and loves to play sports--two in particular. But as he progresses through middle school, it has become clear that he is a skilled athlete, who really knows his games, but is just lacking that essential fire to be really good at them. He was just moved down from the A to the B team in his current team and he as looks toward high school is beginning to understand that he may not be able to play on the teams there. Given these have been his whole life, how do I help him find a way to feel okay about this? I can tell it's making him feel bad, and I think is really affecting his self-esteem all around. I have encouraged him for years to find other interests, but nothing seems to interest him. Has anyone else helped there not so great athlete get through high school feeling happy enough not playing or at best, riding the bench?

I am going to try to say this a bit gently, but I don't think your outlook on this is very productive. He is only 14. He hasn't even gone through puberty in its entirety yet. You've already decided he doesn't have fire, but "fire" is not some sort of static characteristic that is never changeable. What it sounds like he needs is a frank and open discussion about what it takes to excel. "Fire" is not some random skill that he's either born with or not born with, it's something that can be developed and honed like every other skill. If he's a skilled athlete who really knows his game, there is no need to write him off now if he truly wants to excel. He can do it, but it takes a lot of work. What I see with the teens who excel in their sports is a singlemindedness and a persistence that's something they work on just as much as they work on their pitches, or their three-pointers. They work on their drive just as much as anything else.

It could be that what he's really saying is that he doesn't want to work as hard (and that's totally fine), but I don't think it helps him to think that other kids are just born with drive that he doesn't have. He needs to make an active choice, and he'll feel better. That could be that he doesn't want to put in the time or the energy, and that is fine, but I think he needs to be consciously deciding what he's doing.

[Anonymous]

At 14 a lot can still change for kids, and guys in particular as most still have a lot of growing to do.

It is not a bad time though to sit down with him and talk about what he is thinking and what he wants - and taking into consideration his abilities and skills. Is he fast? Is he big? Is he lacking in skills that could make him better? What other sports might make good use of his abilities?

I have a friend who was okay in several sports in high school but not great in any. In college he took up triathalons and really did well. His good but not great abilities in swimming and running were great foundations for that sport.

Do take the time though to decide if he had some focused training if he could step up in his current sports. My daughter started dating a guy who played on the men's soccer team and they spent many evenings working on the field and juggling. Cheap college dates. Her technical skills improved significantly and so did her confidence in her game. She has been telling the freshmen to not wait to work harder like she did.

Is your son physically fit? At 14 he could work on a real training program with good nutrition. That can be a big confidence boost too.

Work on other interests and talents too. My oldest started high school as a football and baseball kid. He left as a music kid. He now is teaching high school orchestra and choir - so interests can change.

[Anonymous]

This is OP: thanks so much for the helpful--and positive feedback. Still hoping that a little more physical and emotional development will help him get there, but will continue to encourage a search for other interests as well.

[Anonymous]

it seems like there are so many changes at this age. some kids are well into puberty and gaining size and strength while some still are little boys. also, there are a lot of emotional changes which affect their intensity about sports. also, there is some shaking out with the more talented kids making A teams or varsity teams, and reality sets in. and there's burnout. our ds was playing travel soccer pretty intensively and still trying to do club baseball and just got burned out. he scaled back outside sports to focus on his sports teams at school (which meant less practice time than he's used to) and give him more free time for school, Netflix, texting, social, etc. he started developing interest in basketball. now he sometimes will join a rec team with friends "just for fun". let's be honest, how many 30 40 something men are still playing football, soccer, lacrosse, and basketball? I agree with the other poster who mentioned sports that age well--tennis, golf, kayaking, hiking, running, etc. maybe he can expose himself to some of those sports in high school just for fun?

[Anonymous]

I was a lousy athlete at 14, but at 18 was making college choices based on whether I wanted to shoot for the Olympics or not (I went for "not"). My kid adores his sport and is convinced, at 10, that he will play professionally. I think he is going to find he loves so many other things in life that he won't decide to put in the time to really excel in that sport, that that is probably all to the good. Give your kiddo time - he will have to decide how much effort and time and pain he wants to put in.

[Anonymous]

Playing isn't the only outlet to be involved in sports. If your son is skilled and insightful in his sports, he can start to hone other abilities that'll set him up for a real career in the sports he loves. A family friend loved soccer but couldn't even play d3. He continued to work on his coaching badges and majored in cs and now consults for some of the top European clubs in a technical capacity working with trainers, managers, and club presidents. A number of clubs have inquired about bringing him on as a staff.

You see this a lot in baseball. Many of today's GMs didn't play at a high level or even in college. However they (along with my family froen) are involved at the highest level of their sport whereas 99% of the HS and college stud players aren't post college.

Honestly being involved in coaching, managing, and evaluation is more interesting long term than playing

[Anonymous]

He can also consider joining a team at the high school where people don't have a lot of prior experience. I recall at my high school a lot of the athletic-but-not-good-enough-for-varsity joined the crew club and the cross country team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14-year old lives and loves to play sports--two in particular. But as he progresses through middle school, it has become clear that he is a skilled athlete, who really knows his games, but is just lacking that essential fire to be really good at them. He was just moved down from the A to the B team in his current team and he as looks toward high school is beginning to understand that he may not be able to play on the teams there. Given these have been his whole life, how do I help him find a way to feel okay about this? I can tell it's making him feel bad, and I think is really affecting his self-esteem all around. I have encouraged him for years to find other interests, but nothing seems to interest him. Has anyone else helped there not so great athlete get through high school feeling happy enough not playing or at best, riding the bench?

I am going to try to say this a bit gently, but I don't think your outlook on this is very productive. He is only 14. He hasn't even gone through puberty in its entirety yet. You've already decided he doesn't have fire, but "fire" is not some sort of static characteristic that is never changeable. What it sounds like he needs is a frank and open discussion about what it takes to excel. "Fire" is not some random skill that he's either born with or not born with, it's something that can be developed and honed like every other skill. If he's a skilled athlete who really knows his game, there is no need to write him off now if he truly wants to excel. He can do it, but it takes a lot of work. What I see with the teens who excel in their sports is a singlemindedness and a persistence that's something they work on just as much as they work on their pitches, or their three-pointers. They work on their drive just as much as anything else.

It could be that what he's really saying is that he doesn't want to work as hard (and that's totally fine), but I don't think it helps him to think that other kids are just born with drive that he doesn't have. He needs to make an active choice, and he'll feel better. That could be that he doesn't want to put in the time or the energy, and that is fine, but I think he needs to be consciously deciding what he's doing.

I disagree that you can work on "Fire" or "singlemindness". From my personal experiences as a athletic and those of my kids and compare those experiences with the top players - the kids that do the best are ones that have a "fire" and its not something they learn or practice it is an internal push. They are competitive and they are good - they can certainly improve their skills with practice - my kids do that - but they don't have the drive. Not everyone, whether is sports or work have that drive.

[Anonymous]

I was your kid at 14! Luckily, my parents were there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on, and didn't say much about quitting (in fact they encouraged trying). At 17, I tried cross country and track and field and made varsity in my high school.
I eventually lost interest in sports in general but that's a different story.
What I would do is I would find some books and articles about late bloomers and give them to your kid.
I was just listening to a story on NPR about Steph Curry and how it wasn't clear whether he would be a good athlete even when he was entering college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your kid at 14! Luckily, my parents were there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on, and didn't say much about quitting (in fact they encouraged trying). At 17, I tried cross country and track and field and made varsity in my high school.
I eventually lost interest in sports in general but that's a different story.
What I would do is I would find some books and articles about late bloomers and give them to your kid.
I was just listening to a story on NPR about Steph Curry and how it wasn't clear whether he would be a good athlete even when he was entering college.

yeah steph was looked down on by tons of evaluators. too slow, too low release point, too weak, etc.

his biggest 'offer' was virginia tech who told steph he could try out as a walk-on.