Helping my DS be okay with being an average athlete

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14-year old lives and loves to play sports--two in particular. But as he progresses through middle school, it has become clear that he is a skilled athlete, who really knows his games, but is just lacking that essential fire to be really good at them. He was just moved down from the A to the B team in his current team and he as looks toward high school is beginning to understand that he may not be able to play on the teams there. Given these have been his whole life, how do I help him find a way to feel okay about this? I can tell it's making him feel bad, and I think is really affecting his self-esteem all around. I have encouraged him for years to find other interests, but nothing seems to interest him. Has anyone else helped there not so great athlete get through high school feeling happy enough not playing or at best, riding the bench?

I am going to try to say this a bit gently, but I don't think your outlook on this is very productive. He is only 14. He hasn't even gone through puberty in its entirety yet. You've already decided he doesn't have fire, but "fire" is not some sort of static characteristic that is never changeable. What it sounds like he needs is a frank and open discussion about what it takes to excel. "Fire" is not some random skill that he's either born with or not born with, it's something that can be developed and honed like every other skill. If he's a skilled athlete who really knows his game, there is no need to write him off now if he truly wants to excel. He can do it, but it takes a lot of work. What I see with the teens who excel in their sports is a singlemindedness and a persistence that's something they work on just as much as they work on their pitches, or their three-pointers. They work on their drive just as much as anything else.

It could be that what he's really saying is that he doesn't want to work as hard (and that's totally fine), but I don't think it helps him to think that other kids are just born with drive that he doesn't have. He needs to make an active choice, and he'll feel better. That could be that he doesn't want to put in the time or the energy, and that is fine, but I think he needs to be consciously deciding what he's doing.

I disagree that you can work on "Fire" or "singlemindness". From my personal experiences as a athletic and those of my kids and compare those experiences with the top players - the kids that do the best are ones that have a "fire" and its not something they learn or practice it is an internal push. They are competitive and they are good - they can certainly improve their skills with practice - my kids do that - but they don't have the drive. Not everyone, whether is sports or work have that drive.

i find more kids have drive than ability than vice versa. it's hard to find both. there are pros with unreal ability that don't have drive and are content 'coasting'.

while i don't think 'fire' and 'singlemindedness' are 100% down to nature though - the environment matters. when my brother moved from a lower tier club to an academy team (he was a bench player on academy) in soccer, his drive in soccer changed totally. he was surrounded by those trying to get to the top whereas at his old club he was playing with kids who were just there to have a good time and be popular by playing on a hs team.

if your kid is surrounded by 'content' players, that drive/fire can get extinguished really quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your kid at 14! Luckily, my parents were there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on, and didn't say much about quitting (in fact they encouraged trying). At 17, I tried cross country and track and field and made varsity in my high school.
I eventually lost interest in sports in general but that's a different story.
What I would do is I would find some books and articles about late bloomers and give them to your kid.
I was just listening to a story on NPR about Steph Curry and how it wasn't clear whether he would be a good athlete even when he was entering college.

yeah steph was looked down on by tons of evaluators. too slow, too low release point, too weak, etc.

his biggest 'offer' was virginia tech who told steph he could try out as a walk-on.

Michael Jordan is also. Classic tale. He has never forgiven the HS coach that cut him.


This. This is my problem with travel sports in this area. They pigeon hole kids at 8 and their career is set in stone by 12?. Kids on the A team think they are the shit and when they get cut at 12 are desolate. Kids that were overlooked and put in the time and develop late start outpacing the nepotism and youth coach faves. Some were good all along. I have a kid that was evaluated much like Curry --who now has colleges drooling at 17.

My kid worked through a shitload of frustration when the butt kissers' kids were all the rage in elementary. Most of them were cut and no longer play. The injustice gave my kid grit and determination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 14-year old lives and loves to play sports--two in particular. But as he progresses through middle school, it has become clear that he is a skilled athlete, who really knows his games, but is just lacking that essential fire to be really good at them. He was just moved down from the A to the B team in his current team and he as looks toward high school is beginning to understand that he may not be able to play on the teams there. Given these have been his whole life, how do I help him find a way to feel okay about this? I can tell it's making him feel bad, and I think is really affecting his self-esteem all around. I have encouraged him for years to find other interests, but nothing seems to interest him. Has anyone else helped there not so great athlete get through high school feeling happy enough not playing or at best, riding the bench?

I am going to try to say this a bit gently, but I don't think your outlook on this is very productive. He is only 14. He hasn't even gone through puberty in its entirety yet. You've already decided he doesn't have fire, but "fire" is not some sort of static characteristic that is never changeable. What it sounds like he needs is a frank and open discussion about what it takes to excel. "Fire" is not some random skill that he's either born with or not born with, it's something that can be developed and honed like every other skill. If he's a skilled athlete who really knows his game, there is no need to write him off now if he truly wants to excel. He can do it, but it takes a lot of work. What I see with the teens who excel in their sports is a singlemindedness and a persistence that's something they work on just as much as they work on their pitches, or their three-pointers. They work on their drive just as much as anything else.

It could be that what he's really saying is that he doesn't want to work as hard (and that's totally fine), but I don't think it helps him to think that other kids are just born with drive that he doesn't have. He needs to make an active choice, and he'll feel better. That could be that he doesn't want to put in the time or the energy, and that is fine, but I think he needs to be consciously deciding what he's doing.

I disagree that you can work on "Fire" or "singlemindness". From my personal experiences as a athletic and those of my kids and compare those experiences with the top players - the kids that do the best are ones that have a "fire" and its not something they learn or practice it is an internal push. They are competitive and they are good - they can certainly improve their skills with practice - my kids do that - but they don't have the drive. Not everyone, whether is sports or work have that drive.

i find more kids have drive than ability than vice versa. it's hard to find both. there are pros with unreal ability that don't have drive and are content 'coasting'.

while i don't think 'fire' and 'singlemindedness' are 100% down to nature though - the environment matters. when my brother moved from a lower tier club to an academy team (he was a bench player on academy) in soccer, his drive in soccer changed totally. he was surrounded by those trying to get to the top whereas at his old club he was playing with kids who were just there to have a good time and be popular by playing on a hs team.

if your kid is surrounded by 'content' players, that drive/fire can get extinguished really quick.

My 12-year old is now playing up with kids who have been on A team since 8. None of them seem to care or have passion. They have been resting on their laurels and lauded for being great since a very young age. They have reached their max and are starting to be eclipsed by kids with great passion/drive/competitiveness that developed a little later. Most kids that start on A teams aren't on A teams by age 14/15/17. Some are burned out, some never belonged there, some aren't hard workers in training. It's better for the psyche to not start at the top--you need something to fight/work for.

[Anonymous]

I think something being overlooked in this conversation is that it's not all about fire or determination. If all else is equal, then you have fire or determination. But plenty of kids just aren't athletic enough. That's ok. The kid who is playing club in college... Isn't that the goal? Being fit for life?