How do you support someone when they do something stupid

[Anonymous]

Good, good friend. Marrying idiot she found online 1yr ago and has spent very little time with in that year. Dude hasn't worked in 5yrs, has some from previous marriage (widow). Tons of red flags. Like she works all day gets in her car and drives about 3-4 hours to see him for a few days. Arrives around 11-1130 and he can't bother to at least stay up to greet her or talk to her on the phone while driving up so she stays awake. She calls me and we chat about stuff but shouldn't he be doing that.

I want to be there for her and have for years but this is really hard when you see someone doing something really stupid. I don't want to go to this fiasco wedding, I don't want to waste money on gift, I don't want to take time off to go to wedding. What to do?

[Anonymous]

Your friend sounds really trashy

[Anonymous]

So you point out all those flaws and tell her that there's no shame in backing out now, but there will be a lot of financial hassle in divorce, especially if they have a child together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So you point out all those flaws and tell her that there's no shame in backing out now, but there will be a lot of financial hassle in divorce, especially if they have a child together.

Oh yeah, been there done that. She ignores any and all that tell her things. I don't want to be in a position to say "told you so" and wouldn't do it either way but I am just so infuriated that she won't listen to anyone. When/if it goes down I will be the one she turns to to help and it is just crazy.

[Anonymous]

My friend married a twice divorced guy, 15 years older and they got engaged within months and married a year on. Still together 10 years on.

[Anonymous]

2 paths b/c I've taken both. One- you point it out, and refuse to go to the wedding. This happened with one (former) friend, they are still together, everyone moves on. (Fwiw- it has been a rough road for this friend from what I've heard through others, but at least they might be happy in the marriage? ) it is tough b/c you lose the friendship.
2- you keep your mouth a little more shut, so when things fall apart, which it looks like they will, you will be there to help your friend. I did this for another friend when everyone else spoke out. I said very little, and told her I was supportive of her (not commenting on him.) Shit hit the fan, and later I told her I thought it was more important to support her, even if she was making questionable decisions. I was the only one she didn't cut out during that time. Just don't let yourself be used. You shouldn't have to completely bail her out.

[Anonymous]

Realistically, can she do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend married a twice divorced guy, 15 years older and they got engaged within months and married a year on. Still together 10 years on.

I pray nightly that this is how it ends and I am completely wrong and he is the guy of her dreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 paths b/c I've taken both. One- you point it out, and refuse to go to the wedding. This happened with one (former) friend, they are still together, everyone moves on. (Fwiw- it has been a rough road for this friend from what I've heard through others, but at least they might be happy in the marriage? ) it is tough b/c you lose the friendship.
2- you keep your mouth a little more shut, so when things fall apart, which it looks like they will, you will be there to help your friend. I did this for another friend when everyone else spoke out. I said very little, and told her I was supportive of her (not commenting on him.) Shit hit the fan, and later I told her I thought it was more important to support her, even if she was making questionable decisions. I was the only one she didn't cut out during that time. Just don't let yourself be used. You shouldn't have to completely bail her out.

For the most part I have taken path 2. She has decided that if I am not ragging on him that I have accepted the whole thing and agree with it. I don't, I am just keeping my mouth shut. She doesn't have a lot of family support, they are kinda done with her and her antics. Feel like if I dump her she would have no one to turn to should the marriage end. That is the one thing I have to remember, don't be a doormat when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, can she do better?

Oh yes, absolutely....this guy, as obnoxious as he is really hot. But looks are all he has going for him. She is a sucker for a pretty face. She is gorgeous, thin, tall , dark hair light eyes. She just seems to find the worst guy in the room and want to date him.

[Anonymous]

Remember that you will do stupid shit sometimes too. Life is hard enough just be her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Realistically, can she do better?

Oh yes, absolutely....this guy, as obnoxious as he is really hot. But looks are all he has going for him. She is a sucker for a pretty face. She is gorgeous, thin, tall , dark hair light eyes. She just seems to find the worst guy in the room and want to date him.

So there's a pattern here. She'll just have to learn the hard way. Someone needs to date and marry the losers.

[Anonymous]

I think Carolyn Hax has a good response to this type of situation - but I can't find the column right now. Her advice is you get to tell your friend the truth once, in a kind way, that you don't think they should be with this person. Tell your friend that this is the only time you are going to say it, and if they want to stay in the relationship you will be there for them. That way you can give her a way out, but also not take yourself out of her life. She will probably need your help picking up the pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you will do stupid shit sometimes too. Life is hard enough just be her friend.

This point exactly. I am trying, I am trying really hard. In the past when she has caught me doing dumb crap she calls me on the carpet I listen and act right. I am not getting the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Carolyn Hax has a good response to this type of situation - but I can't find the column right now. Her advice is you get to tell your friend the truth once, in a kind way, that you don't think they should be with this person. Tell your friend that this is the only time you are going to say it, and if they want to stay in the relationship you will be there for them. That way you can give her a way out, but also not take yourself out of her life. She will probably need your help picking up the pieces.

This right here is solid advice.