How do I not let every behavior episode get to me?
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Anonymous
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My middle school DS has high anxiety and many Asperger tendencies that often make his behavior difficult to manage, particularly when there is a break in schedule like this week. He seems to be "worse" during these times. He is on medication (and was in therapy until he refused) and things have improved, but this question is really more about me than my DS.
I struggle to control my anxiety and depression when he displays an outburst, rigidity and rude or insulting behavior. It's such a shock when I work all day with people who treat me with respect, then come home and get treated the exact opposite. I'm on meds and in therapy, which has helped to an extent, and the truth is that I too struggle with breaks in schedule like this week. My DW says that I need to step back and don't let every little thing bother me or cause me to catastrophize about what his issues today means for the future. Basically, I need to be less attentive (probably a better way to say that) to all the little things that annoy and upset me. It shouldn't be that I'm happy only when he's happy, but I often fall into that way of thinking. Does this make sense to anybody? Also appreciate any insight from fellow dads. |
Anonymous
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Not a fellow dad but I have a husband much like you.. Very involved, a great father and always worrying about our son. My DH and I both struggle at times with worrying about the future when there is a difficult behavior.
One thing that we have found that helps is to discuss a plan for the next day, the night before. This is especially important when our schedule is off. Even if we just go through the simple stuff ("no school tomorrow, in the morning x and then Y"). It is hard to see a child struggle and not worry about the future. Try to remind yourself of the progress the child has made.. |
Anonymous
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One thing that helps me -- when I can do it, which isn't always or even often -- is try to remember to have a praise:correction ratio of 4:1. That is to say, for every time I tell her to stop doing something/do something differently, I have to give her specific praise/positive feedback 4 times. It makes me look for her good behavior, and has a really good positive feedback loop.
But it's really, really hard. |
Anonymous
| Just wanted to say that you are not alone! I could have written this post, and also struggle with anxiety in situations where I know DC might react from past experiences. Wellbutrin and time have helped some, as well as seeing my child improve somewhat with age and a more suitable school environment. |
Anonymous
| Get medicated yourself. Seriously. |
Anonymous
Op here. Thanks. We were at a Passover Seder tonight and it's so hard to see other kids (younger than DS) able to sit through the Seder while my DS sneers at me and sends awful text messages during every break. Can I really chalk that up to anxiety? All I know is that it put me on edge throughout the evening, which makes me sad. |
Anonymous
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I'm the anxious parent, too, and I have reflex emotional responses triggered by specific idiocies - to call them by their real names - my middle schooler perpetrates when he's not medicated for his ADHD. He also has Asperger's tendencies and can be mind-blowingly insensitive and clueless, which does not mix well with his extensive knowledge of history and warfare (not telling you the comment he made at a dinner party one night after reading all about Hitler when he was 8). So. I draw a big red line regarding rudeness and courtesy in my house. I know he often doesn't know where the line is, and that's why he crosses it, but that doesn't stop me from chewing him out when he does, and then explaining it to him in no uncertain terms. I can go on like this for a long time, and be rather forceful. The reason I do this is that I'm afraid he's going to be shunned or beaten up because of some of his comments or behaviors. So it's better he takes it from me, who will always love him, than from somebody else, who will fire him from a job or worse. And I tell him that too. I lay bare my whole line of reasoning, because he responds to trust and understands strategy. Even though I'm often harsh with him, there are always moments every day when I'm loving. We are in a space where we both allow me to be occasionally severe because there is still love and trust between us. These outbursts stem from my anxiety for him, so in a way, I don't want to be less anxious, because it provides the impetus necessary to place this kid back on the straight and narrow when he strays. I feel it's a fine balance, and will probably become even more of a tightrope as he grows older. Above all, I always explain why I do and say whatever I do and say. We've had this dialogue ever since I told him his diagnosis when he was 4, and he appreciates that I don't dumb down complex information that I feel he should know. |
Anonymous
| I added Wellbutrin to my Prozac; very helpful even to the point where I can ignore DS outbursts and address him calmly. |
Anonymous
I am the poster above and I would shut down the nasty texts - anxious kids are often very perceptive and it sounds like he is purposely pushing your buttons. I would tell him one more complaining text and he loses the phone privilege for X amount of time. I would look away/ignore any faces. Tell him he will get one chance to express his reaction to the night at an appropriate time when the even has concluded but other negativity will have consequences. Don't let him abuse you! |
Anonymous
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I actually have a kid with Asperger's not just tendencies and ADHD and I don't tolerate "outburst, rigidity and rude or insulting behavior." Having ASD and/or ADHD is not a "pass" for acting like a jerk.
Sneering at you and sending nasty text messages during passover Seder! Warn him ahead of time and tell him the consequences for acting like a jerk and stick with it. You should take a parenting class with Dr. Shapiro or similar. Don't tolerate this type of behaviors. You are not doing your son any favors by doing so. |
Anonymous
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What's always helped me to keep the future in perspective is this. I don't buy into everyone needing college and the over achievement attitude of this area. The goal is for my child to be self supporting and be able to move out. Of course I want more than the minimum for him, but I didn't know if that would happen. I keep my eye on the prize and always have a goal that leads to the end. I recognize that I can't work on everything at once and also that all goals have to be broken down into manageable parts. These are my goals for my son not his.
The hardest thing is the early teen years. During that time, I had to pick and choose battles, goals, etc. between the disability and the hormones, life was tough for everyone. I try to remember that it was worse to be him than to live with him. And there are some things you just have to let go until a time when is capable of being receptive to what you are trying to achieve. |
Anonymous
Mean, unhelpful post. |
Anonymous
NP here. Thank you for this. |
Anonymous
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I try to acknowlege to myself that this is something that is annoying and that it makes sense to be annoyed by it, and that I am consciously choosing to let it go as a parenting technique. That works better for me than to try not to be annoyed.
Look into Lives in the Balance and other Ross Greene materials, and make sure you get as much alone time as you can (even if it's just going to the grocery store, or sitting in the car while he's at an activity). Good luck! |
Anonymous
Not being mean. No reasonable person is going to "learn to tolerate" their kid or anyone else "sneering" at them and sending them nasty texts. Of course these behaviors are going to "get to you" - they are meant to especially if it is your kid doing them to you. These behaviors have nothing to do with having "Asperger's tendencies" or anxiety so stop making excuses for the kid and take a parenting class. |