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[quote=Anonymous]
I'm the anxious parent, too, and I have reflex emotional responses triggered by specific idiocies - to call them by their real names - my middle schooler perpetrates when he's not medicated for his ADHD. He also has Asperger's tendencies and can be mind-blowingly insensitive and clueless, which does not mix well with his extensive knowledge of history and warfare (not telling you the comment he made at a dinner party one night after reading all about Hitler when he was 8).

So. I draw a big red line regarding rudeness and courtesy in my house. I know he often doesn't know where the line is, and that's why he crosses it, but that doesn't stop me from chewing him out when he does, and then explaining it to him in no uncertain terms. I can go on like this for a long time, and be rather forceful. The reason I do this is that I'm afraid he's going to be shunned or beaten up because of some of his comments or behaviors. So it's better he takes it from me, who will always love him, than from somebody else, who will fire him from a job or worse. And I tell him that too. I lay bare my whole line of reasoning, because he responds to trust and understands strategy.

Even though I'm often harsh with him, there are always moments every day when I'm loving. We are in a space where we both allow me to be occasionally severe because there is still love and trust between us. These outbursts stem from my anxiety for him, so in a way, I don't want to be less anxious, because it provides the impetus necessary to place this kid back on the straight and narrow when he strays.

I feel it's a fine balance, and will probably become even more of a tightrope as he grows older.
Above all, I always explain why I do and say whatever I do and say. We've had this dialogue ever since I told him his diagnosis when he was 4, and he appreciates that I don't dumb down complex information that I feel he should know.

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