My Sister Points out what my house needs? Is she being helpful or hurtful?

[Anonymous]

My older sister comes to my house and says things like this:

- It looks like the crab grass is taking over your lawn, you should try this product ____.
- You should replace those _________ with some _____.
- Don't you dust your floor molding when you vacuum?
- Your furniture needs leather conditioner, teak oil, or __________
- Do even dust your shades?
- You make coffee with tap water, I use bottled water, it tastes better.
- Your dogs fur is on my pants, does it get onto everything? How can you have people over?
- Your house smells like ____.
- You should upgrade your carpets, tiles, _____
- I don't like the taste of your _________, I use _________.
- Maybe you should buy a _____ vacuum, or hire ______ maid service.

I tell her to shut up all the time. But the critique disguised as conversation hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad about the way I keep my home. I should add that my older sister has been jealous of me all our lives because she is not attractive. She is bullying me to make herself feel better, I get that. I wouldn't dream of telling her that she should wear different clothes or let her hair grow out or put on some makeup. She is so toxic that I dread her visits.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Tell her exactly what you said here.

"Larla, this is critique disguised as conversation and I feel like I'm being bullied. I wouldn't dream of telling you that you should wear different clothes or put on some makeup. I dread your visits."

[Anonymous]

It's all in the tone and subtle cues. If you feel she's trying to be hurtful and not helpful, then tell her what PP said. Go further, and tell her she can't come that often if she's going to talk like this.

I don't like your words either, OP. How terrible to say of your sister that she's not attractive! You may have been responsible for baiting her and being passive-aggressive yourself. In my opinion, you're getting what you deserve here. Both of your attitudes are problematic.

[Anonymous]

Meh. My mom has done that to me about me and my house forever. It comes from a good olace of trying to be helpful (she says when confronted). I ignored her enough times about stupid things and never fixed what I don't was broken. She stopped mentioning it eventually. I do say thank you for actual good advice or when she points out something I really didn't notice and when I agree with her assessment (those times are few and far between).

[Anonymous]

IDK. Are you sure she is being toxic when it comes to this? She maybe never turned off the older sister button. When my older sister points out these kinds of things, I filter what she says. Is she right? Does my house smell like cat because a cat is peeing in a corner and I don't realize it since I live here? If so, she's doing me a favor by pointing it out. That's what sisters are for. No one else is ever going to point out these things because it's not polite. On the other hand, when it gets out of hand and she is trying to tell you that she doesn't like your taste in decorations or food or whatever else, then tell her to shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's all in the tone and subtle cues. If you feel she's trying to be hurtful and not helpful, then tell her what PP said. Go further, and tell her she can't come that often if she's going to talk like this.

I don't like your words either, OP. How terrible to say of your sister that she's not attractive! You may have been responsible for baiting her and being passive-aggressive yourself. In my opinion, you're getting what you deserve here. Both of your attitudes are problematic.

OP here. I would never tell her she is not attractive, she knows it all too well. I don't feel the need to make her feel bad about her appearance. Growing up adults would say things to both of us about the difference in our attractiveness. My sister has always been resentful toward me because of this. I didn't cause it! I didn't deal the cards in life! Now my sister is much more successful professionally than me because she worked really hard for it. I'm glad for her. But she is still bitter at me.

[Anonymous]

Stop inviting her over. Meet at a restaurant. If she then proceeds to critique your hair/makeup/outfit....then meet someplace like a movie theater where the opportunity to talk is more limited.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that since so many things about your house bother her, it's best if she doesn't come over very often. Once per month or every six weeks. Or however often you think you can handle her crap.

Or hand her the cleaning supplies. Or ask her if she's paying for __________ to be upgraded, or hiring the cleaning company she recommends etc.

[Anonymous]

I suspect she's trying to be helpful.

I think you should be honest about how it makes you feel when she says stuff like that -- unless you tell her, she can't change.

[Anonymous]

eh IDK...it totally depends on your relationship and her tone. My brother and I both make comments like this to each other but many times it is teasing and the rest of the time it is helpful. But we are very close and see each other's homes often so it is hard to say without knowing your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's all in the tone and subtle cues. If you feel she's trying to be hurtful and not helpful, then tell her what PP said. Go further, and tell her she can't come that often if she's going to talk like this.

I don't like your words either, OP. How terrible to say of your sister that she's not attractive! You may have been responsible for baiting her and being passive-aggressive yourself. In my opinion, you're getting what you deserve here. Both of your attitudes are problematic.

OP here. I would never tell her she is not attractive, she knows it all too well. I don't feel the need to make her feel bad about her appearance. Growing up adults would say things to both of us about the difference in our attractiveness. My sister has always been resentful toward me because of this. I didn't cause it! I didn't deal the cards in life! Now my sister is much more successful professionally than me because she worked really hard for it. I'm glad for her. But she is still bitter at me.

Your words, OP. You said she was not attractive. That's a pretty sad thing to believe. You could believe she's not as attractive as you. See the difference there? And the thing is, your sister know full well what you think, even if you don't come out and say it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's all in the tone and subtle cues. If you feel she's trying to be hurtful and not helpful, then tell her what PP said. Go further, and tell her she can't come that often if she's going to talk like this.

I don't like your words either, OP. How terrible to say of your sister that she's not attractive! You may have been responsible for baiting her and being passive-aggressive yourself. In my opinion, you're getting what you deserve here. Both of your attitudes are problematic.

OP here. I would never tell her she is not attractive, she knows it all too well. I don't feel the need to make her feel bad about her appearance. Growing up adults would say things to both of us about the difference in our attractiveness. My sister has always been resentful toward me because of this. I didn't cause it! I didn't deal the cards in life! Now my sister is much more successful professionally than me because she worked really hard for it. I'm glad for her. But she is still bitter at me.

Your words, OP. You said she was not attractive. That's a pretty sad thing to believe. You could believe she's not as attractive as you. See the difference there? And the thing is, your sister know full well what you think, even if you don't come out and say it.

Yep. This. Affronted that she's finally one-upped you on something?

[Anonymous]

Putting someone down shouldn't feel like a one up. This is sibling rivalry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older sister comes to my house and says things like this:

- It looks like the crab grass is taking over your lawn, you should try this product ____.
- You should replace those _________ with some _____.
- Don't you dust your floor molding when you vacuum?
- Your furniture needs leather conditioner, teak oil, or __________
- Do even dust your shades?
- You make coffee with tap water, I use bottled water, it tastes better.
- Your dogs fur is on my pants, does it get onto everything? How can you have people over?
- Your house smells like ____.
- You should upgrade your carpets, tiles, _____
- I don't like the taste of your _________, I use _________.
- Maybe you should buy a _____ vacuum, or hire ______ maid service.

I tell her to shut up all the time. But the critique disguised as conversation hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad about the way I keep my home. I should add that my older sister has been jealous of me all our lives because she is not attractive. She is bullying me to make herself feel better, I get that. I wouldn't dream of telling her that she should wear different clothes or let her hair grow out or put on some makeup. She is so toxic that I dread her visits.

WWYD?

WWID? Get some therapy. OP, you're obviously fishing for the "she's jealous of your and your life" comment to make you feel better. Get lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older sister comes to my house and says things like this:

- It looks like the crab grass is taking over your lawn, you should try this product ____.
- You should replace those _________ with some _____.
- Don't you dust your floor molding when you vacuum?
- Your furniture needs leather conditioner, teak oil, or __________
- Do even dust your shades?
- You make coffee with tap water, I use bottled water, it tastes better.
- Your dogs fur is on my pants, does it get onto everything? How can you have people over?
- Your house smells like ____.
- You should upgrade your carpets, tiles, _____
- I don't like the taste of your _________, I use _________.
- Maybe you should buy a _____ vacuum, or hire ______ maid service.

I tell her to shut up all the time. But the critique disguised as conversation hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad about the way I keep my home. I should add that my older sister has been jealous of me all our lives because she is not attractive. She is bullying me to make herself feel better, I get that. I wouldn't dream of telling her that she should wear different clothes or let her hair grow out or put on some makeup. She is so toxic that I dread her visits.

WWYD?

Nicer reply:
If you don't like the conditions here, you don't need to visit.

More pointed reply:
You whine about my house more than my children whine. Remember what they say if you can't say something nice.