Do you or your spouse financially support a family member?

[Anonymous]

DH has been sending his brother and his wife money every month for over a year now. They're in another country and the economy isn't as good as it is here but they're both able bodied people. He owns a barely-above-water business and she doesn't work. Now the brother is asking for expensive equipment for his business and I think my husband is being taken advantage of. I'm a SAHM myself so I feel like I have no right to say where our money goes but it is beginning to really bother me, especially when I myself have to be frugal. Do I need to just get over it? Or would you have a problem with it? Anyone btdt?

[Anonymous]

I think you do have a right to say where money goes even though you are a SAHM. I would start with thinking about why you feel that way. It's supposed to be a partnership and the effort that you put into frugality should not be an excuse to subsidize others.

[Anonymous]

Be careful. He could turn this on you and ask why you don't work? I assume you could make enough to pay a baby sitter?

[Anonymous]

We have helped my MIL (his mom) and do now but she cannot care for herself so its a different issue. I would send a little every now and then but he needs to get another job or find a way to make his business work. Buying equipment for a business that is not doing well makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

We help support DHs ex wife and my brother. My brother lives in rural America working a low paying job. His work is good for the community but doesn't pay enough to live on. The ex wife raised his children. They made an agreement when their children were born that she would be a SAHM because it was important to both of them. He kept his promise after the divorce and continued to provide her enough income to allow her to SAHM and raise the kids. The youngest is now in college but the reality is that after 20 plus years out of the workforce, mid 50s, and a HS diploma, jobs that allow you to support yourself are not plentiful. This was a decision that was made a long time ago. I knew it going into our relationship before we started. I have my family baggage and he has his. It just a part of our family finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We help support DHs ex wife and my brother. My brother lives in rural America working a low paying job. His work is good for the community but doesn't pay enough to live on. The ex wife raised his children. They made an agreement when their children were born that she would be a SAHM because it was important to both of them. He kept his promise after the divorce and continued to provide her enough income to allow her to SAHM and raise the kids. The youngest is now in college but the reality is that after 20 plus years out of the workforce, mid 50s, and a HS diploma, jobs that allow you to support yourself are not plentiful. This was a decision that was made a long time ago. I knew it going into our relationship before we started. I have my family baggage and he has his. It just a part of our family finances.

There are a ton of jobs out there for hard working people. Yes, unskilled work will not pay a lot but she should be encouraged to work. With the youngest in college, what does she do all day? Your DH is a good guy but enough is enough. He doesn't need to cut her off completely, but she should take some responsibility for her financial well being. What would she do if something happened to your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We help support DHs ex wife and my brother. My brother lives in rural America working a low paying job. His work is good for the community but doesn't pay enough to live on. The ex wife raised his children. They made an agreement when their children were born that she would be a SAHM because it was important to both of them. He kept his promise after the divorce and continued to provide her enough income to allow her to SAHM and raise the kids. The youngest is now in college but the reality is that after 20 plus years out of the workforce, mid 50s, and a HS diploma, jobs that allow you to support yourself are not plentiful. This was a decision that was made a long time ago. I knew it going into our relationship before we started. I have my family baggage and he has his. It just a part of our family finances.

There are a ton of jobs out there for hard working people. Yes, unskilled work will not pay a lot but she should be encouraged to work. With the youngest in college, what does she do all day? Your DH is a good guy but enough is enough. He doesn't need to cut her off completely, but she should take some responsibility for her financial well being. What would she do if something happened to your DH?

I agree with PP, but at the same time, think it is very big of both you and DH to provide for his ex-wife. DH is in a very demanding job and we agreed that I would be a SAHM, giving up a very well-paying career. If we ever got a divorce, I highly doubt that he would be as generous as your DH is.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Support my mother. I have done this since I started working in my current job about 16 years ago. DH knew about it before we got married and knew it was part of the package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We help support DHs ex wife and my brother. My brother lives in rural America working a low paying job. His work is good for the community but doesn't pay enough to live on. The ex wife raised his children. They made an agreement when their children were born that she would be a SAHM because it was important to both of them. He kept his promise after the divorce and continued to provide her enough income to allow her to SAHM and raise the kids. The youngest is now in college but the reality is that after 20 plus years out of the workforce, mid 50s, and a HS diploma, jobs that allow you to support yourself are not plentiful. This was a decision that was made a long time ago. I knew it going into our relationship before we started. I have my family baggage and he has his. It just a part of our family finances.

There are a ton of jobs out there for hard working people. Yes, unskilled work will not pay a lot but she should be encouraged to work. With the youngest in college, what does she do all day? Your DH is a good guy but enough is enough. He doesn't need to cut her off completely, but she should take some responsibility for her financial well being. What would she do if something happened to your DH?

I agree with PP, but at the same time, think it is very big of both you and DH to provide for his ex-wife. DH is in a very demanding job and we agreed that I would be a SAHM, giving up a very well-paying career. If we ever got a divorce, I highly doubt that he would be as generous as your DH is.

Eh. There's more to this story. Her DH feels guilty over the divorce for some reason or other. He could have divorced her knowing she was mentally unstable or something, and feels an obligation to her. OP might have started out as the OW, and DH is trying to make it right. And/or her DH might still, on some level, be in love with his first wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We help support DHs ex wife and my brother. My brother lives in rural America working a low paying job. His work is good for the community but doesn't pay enough to live on. The ex wife raised his children. They made an agreement when their children were born that she would be a SAHM because it was important to both of them. He kept his promise after the divorce and continued to provide her enough income to allow her to SAHM and raise the kids. The youngest is now in college but the reality is that after 20 plus years out of the workforce, mid 50s, and a HS diploma, jobs that allow you to support yourself are not plentiful. This was a decision that was made a long time ago. I knew it going into our relationship before we started. I have my family baggage and he has his. It just a part of our family finances.

There are a ton of jobs out there for hard working people. Yes, unskilled work will not pay a lot but she should be encouraged to work. With the youngest in college, what does she do all day? Your DH is a good guy but enough is enough. He doesn't need to cut her off completely, but she should take some responsibility for her financial well being. What would she do if something happened to your DH?

If DH were to die, she would be okay. He has a life insurance policy that she is the beneficiary. I think it's
$1m. They were Marie's for over 10 years so I believe she would entitled to his SS benefits. If he were to become disabled, that would be a bigger problem. I tease him that if he were disabled and we had to hire help, I would hire her. I suppose if he were disabled, her care would fall to the kids and the state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been sending his brother and his wife money every month for over a year now. They're in another country and the economy isn't as good as it is here but they're both able bodied people. He owns a barely-above-water business and she doesn't work. Now the brother is asking for expensive equipment for his business and I think my husband is being taken advantage of. I'm a SAHM myself so I feel like I have no right to say where our money goes but it is beginning to really bother me, especially when I myself have to be frugal. Do I need to just get over it? Or would you have a problem with it? Anyone btdt?

You are married. You and your DH are financial partners. You made a joint decision that you would SAHM to care for the kids (I assume). You absolutely have the right to an equal say in where your money goes.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I can't believe that I continue to almost fully fund the lifestyle of my three children. But since they are 10, 8 and 5 I guess I don't have an option.

[Anonymous]

No, but would if it came to either of our parents. We would think about helping a sibling financially depending on the circumstances - I believe a loan is more appropriate in that case, given that siblings were provided the same resources that DH and I were.

[Anonymous]

Was he giving money before you were married? This is a common practice in many cultures.

[Anonymous]

We help out both my mother and MIL. Both are widows.