How do you manage relationships with ultra-religious family members?

[Anonymous]

A year ago a member of our family very quickly became completely obsessed with religion and church. They only talk about religion. They only post on social media about religion. They only socialize within their church group. I feel like they are a shell of their former self and I don't even know them anymore. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. How do you deal with family that is like this?

[Anonymous]

Avoid

[Anonymous]

The only part of your post that is a problem for you is - - "they only talk about religion" You can try to manage that. Say that you'd like to talk about something else. Otherwise, excuse yourself, get up and move places, limit contact.

[Anonymous]

Mute them on social media- just because they post it, doesn't mean you need to read it. Talk about "safe" topics, family, weather, etc. Shared experience is a great tool for bonding. Be respectful of their beliefs even if you don't share them. Hopefully, they will follow your lead, and be respectful of your beliefs as well.

[Anonymous]

In person: Smile, nod, and walk away. Works every time. You can do this with other annoying people too.

[Anonymous]

You be polite. I guarantee that you have characteristics that are annoying to other people, too. Most people simply have enough tolerance not to make an issue of difference.

[Anonymous]

Who is this person to you? Parent or sibling or adult child is a different matter than anything else.

[Anonymous]

I'm team avoid. I don't have a relationship with the ultra conservative, religious side of my family. They are seriously judgmental and bigoted. I'm never going to convince them that their values are hurtful and bigoted and they will never convince me that they are good decent people who care about others. I'm fairly open about my views and they are as well.

I think it's a testament to my own values that I don't normalize their hateful thinking. I know you can never, ever convince someone that they are hateful, bigots. No one views themselves like that because we are all the hero in our story. But I can draw a line and make my own non-hateful views clear and live a life that is aligned with my own values. So, I just do that and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

My mom is super religious and despite my not believing in it around middle school age, I still had to go to church and participate in all the youth group activities, which I did because it was a social thing and not religious to me.

We told her to say to our kids "Grandma believes XYZ" instead of stating stuff like it's just a fact, or telling Bible stories, but she does not respect this. When she watches our kids on a day she has church activities, she brings them and we let her because she's babysitting, which we appreciate.

However, we decided we needed more support to raise our kids with our belief system yet have respect for their grandma's beliefs, so we joined a UU congregation. My DH is more scornful of any religion than I am. I am not personally a believer but I do think it's important to respect other people's religions and the meaning it gives them, whatever they are. My problem with my mom is that she believes there is only ONE right religion (Christianity and her particular approach to it), takes a literal interpretation of the Bible, puts down other religions/beliefs, and disrespects our wishes for not raising our kids that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mute them on social media- just because they post it, doesn't mean you need to read it. Talk about "safe" topics, family, weather, etc. Shared experience is a great tool for bonding. Be respectful of their beliefs even if you don't share them. Hopefully, they will follow your lead, and be respectful of your beliefs as well.

+1

Also, is it possible that you're exaggerating? They never talk about anything other than religion? They never socialize with anyone outside their church?

Do this person the favor of treating them normally, and see what happens. Don't project your feelings onto them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A year ago a member of our family very quickly became completely obsessed with religion and church. They only talk about religion. They only post on social media about religion. They only socialize within their church group. I feel like they are a shell of their former self and I don't even know them anymore. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. How do you deal with family that is like this?

The fact you are extremely uncomfortable is your issue, not theirs. You are responsible for your feelings and apparently you have difficulty accepting/allowing them to live their life in a manner that you wouldn't choose. Part of the problem in our nation today is intolerance. And should they show intolerance for how you choose to live your life they would be wrong as well.

[Anonymous]

Slow fade.

[Anonymous]

New converts are always the most zealous. If you have the patience, give it time, this relative might cool down a bit in a couple of years. If you can maintain some sort of a surface relationship until then, it'll be easier to stay in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm team avoid. I don't have a relationship with the ultra conservative, religious side of my family. They are seriously judgmental and bigoted. I'm never going to convince them that their values are hurtful and bigoted and they will never convince me that they are good decent people who care about others. I'm fairly open about my views and they are as well.

I think it's a testament to my own values that I don't normalize their hateful thinking. I know you can never, ever convince someone that they are hateful, bigots. No one views themselves like that because we are all the hero in our story. But I can draw a line and make my own non-hateful views clear and live a life that is aligned with my own values. So, I just do that and keep it moving.

You are seriously delusional. They're hateful and bigoted? Why? Because they believe certain things that you have deemed wrong? Bigotry is intolerance. Just because I don't agree with you does not make me intolerant. But the fact you cannot associate with them because of their beliefs shows you to be intolerant.

Here is a prime example of what I am talking about.

A religious person believes that the bible teaches homosexuality is a sin. Yet, that religious person doesn't shun a gay person. Doesn't treat them poorly and can still love them. Why then are they are labeled a homophobe and/or a bigot for their belief by those who don't agree with them? Intolerance. You MUST accept my belief or I can't accept you is the issue and it goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this one person or several? You refer first to "a member" of the family then afterward say "they" do this and that, so I'm not clear if you are talking about one person or more than one. I ask because you would deal with just one person differently from how you might deal with, say, a married couple and all their kids.

I'll use singular here, anyway. If this person is someone you love -- then why would you want to do the "avoid" and "slow fade" stuff that some PPs advocate?

If you cared for this person before the religious awakening, then you still care for this person AS a person now -- don't you?

If this is someone who was mostly peripheral to your life, like a cousin you don't really see or interact with much but just follow a bit on social media and see at occasional, group events for the wider family: Then you just ensure that you are respectful and listen when he or she talks for a while, then always change the topic to something of mutual interest like "Did you know that cousin Sally's daughter is going to College X next year?"

If this is someone whom you are likely to see more often and with whom you did things, shared things, went places before this change: Don't assume you must now cut off this relative. If your relative was interested in (just a random example) going to farmer's markets on Saturdays and you sometimes did that together, then ask the relative to do that. At the market, talk about what you're seeing and enjoying. Focus on the activity rather than doing a big conversation. Apply to whatever you might have done with this person previously. Just because they are more devout does not really mean they will never again do anything other than go to church and come home and post all day on social media about religion. They will still have interests and activities, it's just that those things may be taking a back seat for a time. Be proactive and ask this relative to do something with you; having an activity as the focus can be much easier than being at a gathering where you're expected to chat.

Please don't dump a relative for being devout. This phase is likely to mellow (the talk about faith, not necessarily the faith itself!). You can't expect a convert to tamp down his or her genuine excitement but you can control how you react to it, and yes, you can limit contact for a while, but I can't see cutting off someone I cared about just for this unless truly strident conversion was his or her goal.