My good friend is having an abortion

[Anonymous]

My good friend of 15+ years is pregnant. She's not planning on keeping it. The father is an absolute dirtbag and they've been doing this on and off again thing for a couple of years now. I feel for her because I know first hand how emotionally and physically draining it is to end a pregnancy.

I'm getting married in two months and she is my maid of honour. There's multiple events coming up like my shower, bachelorette, dress fittings, etc that I was hoping she could participate in. However dealing with a looming abortion is likely going to impact her participation. And I realize this makes me sound like an absolute asshole but I'm almost hoping she will bow out of her MOH duties.

I really want to be supportive but at the same time keep some boundaries and not ask her to participate in wedding-related stuff that might be hard on her. I should add that she lives in Canada and has to come across the border every time and I really really feel like I'm pushing her to the limit as is let alone asking her to be supportive to me while she's dealing with a termination.

I hope I don't sound insensitive. I don't want to broach the subject with her moreso than "I totally get it if being involved in wedding stuff is too much to ask and if need be you're more than welcome to come as a guest"

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Stop worrying about your wedding and do not email that to her.

An abortion won't stop her from participating in anything, why would it??

[Anonymous]

Hello no. Do not send that to her. She might be looking forward to doing these things to escape her troubles.

Just let her know you are there for her and if she needs to talk, etc.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I've had an abortion and was an emotional mess. I had morning sickness and constant cravings. I was in a shitty situation as she is now and trying to be happy for other people was definitely tough, for me at least. I'm just basing this off my experiences though, she may handle it completely different. And I'm not planning on talking to her about bowing out of the wedding party unless she brings it up.

[Anonymous]

You should call her and have a conversation with her to make it clear that you support her and she is free to do as much or as little as she can with respect to the wedding, given how much she has going on. Do not kick her out of the wedding, or hint that that is your desired outcome. It's entirely possible this won't interfere at all - it's not an especially complicated procedure. Don't email.

[Anonymous]

I had an abortion. It was emotionally stressful for reasons I won't get into, but physically, I was fine. It would not have affected anything related to being in a wedding for me. Honestly, the distraction might have been helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I've had an abortion and was an emotional mess. I had morning sickness and constant cravings. I was in a shitty situation as she is now and trying to be happy for other people was definitely tough, for me at least. I'm just basing this off my experiences though, she may handle it completely different. And I'm not planning on talking to her about bowing out of the wedding party unless she brings it up.

I had an abortion and was NOT an emotional mess. I spent a day and a half crying about it when I had it done, and then was able to be sad about it in the shower or at bedtime while still fully participating in life. I was still able to be happy for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I've had an abortion and was an emotional mess. I had morning sickness and constant cravings. I was in a shitty situation as she is now and trying to be happy for other people was definitely tough, for me at least. I'm just basing this off my experiences though, she may handle it completely different. And I'm not planning on talking to her about bowing out of the wedding party unless she brings it up.

I think that depends on when she's having the abortion. You're getting married in 2 months. Is she having the abortion in the next week or so? If so, she will not have morning sickness or cravings. You should call your friend and have a conversation with her about her feelings and how she's doing. Leave the wedding out of it, other than to mention that you're looking forward to seeing her for whatever-the-next-thing is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should call her and have a conversation with her to make it clear that you support her and she is free to do as much or as little as she can with respect to the wedding, given how much she has going on. Do not kick her out of the wedding, or hint that that is your desired outcome. It's entirely possible this won't interfere at all - it's not an especially complicated procedure. Don't email.

Better way to handle it, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think you could call to try to gauge how she is handling the experience. Some people aren't really bothered by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you could call to try to gauge how she is handling the experience. Some people aren't really bothered by it.

That sounded insensitive. I just meant some aren't very emotional about the experience.

[Anonymous]

Your maid of honor is usually your best friend, why would you send that ridiculous email to your best friend & not just talk to get about it on the phone?

Sounds like your relationships are either very surface or you're completely consumed with yourself and your wedding.

[Anonymous]

Are you very young? You sound a little self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should call her and have a conversation with her to make it clear that you support her and she is free to do as much or as little as she can with respect to the wedding, given how much she has going on. Do not kick her out of the wedding, or hint that that is your desired outcome. It's entirely possible this won't interfere at all - it's not an especially complicated procedure. Don't email.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I've had an abortion and was an emotional mess. I had morning sickness and constant cravings. I was in a shitty situation as she is now and trying to be happy for other people was definitely tough, for me at least. I'm just basing this off my experiences though, she may handle it completely different. And I'm not planning on talking to her about bowing out of the wedding party unless she brings it up.

I had an abortion and was NOT an emotional mess. I spent a day and a half crying about it when I had it done, and then was able to be sad about it in the shower or at bedtime while still fully participating in life. I was still able to be happy for others.

I had one and was completely relieved! I was a little bothered the day of, but the following morning, I went to spend the day with girlfriends (who didn't even know) like nothing happened. After that, it was business as usual.