A gay man that doesn't want to be gay

[Anonymous]

I have a very good friend, we've known each other since elementary school, went thru hs together, stayed in touch thru college and we are still best friends.
I'm married and have 2 kids. He's basically their uncle.

We are 35 years old.

I have known that he's gay since end of hs/beginning of college. Everyone knows he's gay although he is not over the top and does not show off relationships a ton. He is not hiding it, yet not flaunting it.

Recently he confided in my that he "doesn't want to be gay". He said that he has always known that he's gay, but he has never wanted to be gay.
He said that he has always dreamed of having a typical family, a wife and kids. He told me that he wants to try dating women.

I was floored, I didn't know what to say. I suggested he talk to a therapist about this to maybe weed out why he's feeling this way

He's a masculine guy, you would never guess he's gay by his demeanor or actions.
I love him, he is like a brother and want to support him, but was speechless.

What else can I say to him?

[Anonymous]

I would honestly tell him to be TOTALLY honest with any woman he has a relationship with.

Studies show men who are "romantically" attracted to women, and want a family, "come out" in their late 40s and 50s, when their sexual attraction to men becomes overwhelmingly strong. This leaves a broken family, wife, and children behind as the man lives finally as openly gay.

This happened to my Aunt.

I feel for your friend. He really needs a knowledgeable therapist to work through these issues.

If he has a relationship with a woman, they should attend together.

[Anonymous]

It may just have been a passing comment.

I get the impression there are many gay men in their 30s and 40s who were essentially born 5-10 years too early. They still grew up in a time with a lot of stigma against homosexuals and even among liberals there were still resistance to homosexuals in committed relationships having families of their own. Many gay men of this age who wanted the whole wife-family-house in the burbs ideal they saw all around them couldn't have it, so they effectively withdrew from the serious relationship market, content to remain on the sidelines. The world has now changed, rapidly, in terms of gay acceptance, but they still struggle with their earlier views and expectations. The younger gays seem to have far less of an issue with these conflicts between desires and the practical reality of their sexuality because there's less stigma for gay couples having families and the suburban lifestyle.

Sit down with your friend and tell him the immortal quote from Shakespeare: to thine own self be true.

[Anonymous]

Your friend may be trying to please you or placate you.

I sense from your post you have some misconceptions about what it means to be gay -- your attempt to "reassure" us that he's masculine, for instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very good friend, we've known each other since elementary school, went thru hs together, stayed in touch thru college and we are still best friends.
I'm married and have 2 kids. He's basically their uncle.

We are 35 years old.

I have known that he's gay since end of hs/beginning of college. Everyone knows he's gay although he is not over the top and does not show off relationships a ton. He is not hiding it, yet not flaunting it.

Recently he confided in my that he "doesn't want to be gay". He said that he has always known that he's gay, but he has never wanted to be gay.
He said that he has always dreamed of having a typical family, a wife and kids. He told me that he wants to try dating women.

I was floored, I didn't know what to say. I suggested he talk to a therapist about this to maybe weed out why he's feeling this way

He's a masculine guy, you would never guess he's gay by his demeanor or actions.
I love him, he is like a brother and want to support him, but was speechless.

What else can I say to him?

What he needs is better friends, starting with you. Look at how many times in your OP you reassured us that he's not THAT kind of gay. You are on a LGBTQ forum, but you feel the need to tell us he doesn't "flaunt" his relationships, and he's very "masculine."

Guess what? Femme guys deserve happy relationships too. Butch guys deserve happy relationships. Everyone that wants a happy relationship deserves one.

When you say he doesn't flaunt his relationships, what do you mean? Is he allowed to bring his partner out in group social events? Are they allowed to show the same amount of affection as you would with your partner? Or would that be flaunting?

I wish your friend had written instead of you, so I could tell him directly to find some better friends, who care about him just as he is, and won't demand that he hide his relationships just so you will still count him as "one of us" rather than "one of those filthy queers."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very good friend, we've known each other since elementary school, went thru hs together, stayed in touch thru college and we are still best friends.
I'm married and have 2 kids. He's basically their uncle.

We are 35 years old.

I have known that he's gay since end of hs/beginning of college. Everyone knows he's gay although he is not over the top and does not show off relationships a ton. He is not hiding it, yet not flaunting it.

Recently he confided in my that he "doesn't want to be gay". He said that he has always known that he's gay, but he has never wanted to be gay.
He said that he has always dreamed of having a typical family, a wife and kids. He told me that he wants to try dating women.

I was floored, I didn't know what to say. I suggested he talk to a therapist about this to maybe weed out why he's feeling this way

He's a masculine guy, you would never guess he's gay by his demeanor or actions.
I love him, he is like a brother and want to support him, but was speechless.

What else can I say to him?

I think you have some underlying issues with his being gay, for starters. Take an honest look at what you wrote, and think about it. You are probably sending some mixed signals to him about how you feel, and what you think about "the gays". I think he's trying to help the relationship between the two of you, and it may not have anything to do with his true sexuality.

So what would happen if he were more effeminate, and you could "guess" he's gay the minute you see him? So what if he and is partner are affectionate and loving in public? He CAN have a husband, 2.3 kids, volunteer in the classroom, a house in the 'burbs, and a Volvo in the driveway.

Think about the message you are sending him, and take a good look at how you really feel about things. I guarantee you are not as open as you think.

[Anonymous]

Well, no one wants to be the direct recipient of prejudice and hate, OP, so I completely understand him, especially since November.

I would encourage him to try whatever he wants to try, just so he won't regret it later.

[Anonymous]

Isn't OP bringing his traits up BECAUSE the friend said he wants to date women. Perhaps a bit stereotypical, but meaning that he would be able to hide his sexual preference without difficulty. OP seems confused because if a straight friend came out saying they suddenly desired a homosexual relationship, it would be confusing. He is asking how to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't OP bringing his traits up BECAUSE the friend said he wants to date women. Perhaps a bit stereotypical, but meaning that he would be able to hide his sexual preference without difficulty. OP seems confused because if a straight friend came out saying they suddenly desired a homosexual relationship, it would be confusing. He is asking how to help.

It doesn't come across that way. Read it edited like this, and again in the original--it makes a difference.

have a very good friend, we've known each other since elementary school, went thru hs together, stayed in touch thru college and we are still best friends.
I'm married and have 2 kids. He's basically their uncle.

We are 35 years old.

I have known that he's gay since end of hs/beginning of college. Everyone knows he's gay, he does not hide it.

Recently he confided in my that he "doesn't want to be gay". He said that he has always known that he's gay, but he has never wanted to be gay.
He said that he has always dreamed of having a typical family, a wife and kids. He told me that he wants to try dating women.

I was floored, I didn't know what to say. I suggested he talk to a therapist about this to maybe weed out why he's feeling this way

I love him, he is like a brother and want to support him, but was speechless.

What else can I say to him?

[Anonymous]

Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.

[Anonymous]

IDK, I guess I try to not expect perfection. Also, I find it hard to believe that the friend said that because OP is a true homophobe and he wants to be closer to him. Why not just drop him?

Look, there are a lot of closeted guys sleeping with wives, and sleeping with men. It's surprising to hear it. Example, OP says: "I was floored". If he was a homophobe, wouldn't he have said: "I was relieved."

[Anonymous]

I think that sexuality can be fluid, and there's no reason not to try dating women, if one is suddenly interested, regardless of previous self-identification. However, it sounds like your friend is tired of belonging to a minority, and wouldn't be dating women for the right reasons.

Like a previous PP, I don't get why he hasn't thought of starting a family with a man.

I'm also confused as to why you freaked out so much when your friend just wanted to open up with you. Why couldn't you have asked more questions about what he meant?

[Anonymous]

Tell him being a straight guy isn't exactly a picnic either.


People will blame you for everything. If he's white, people will assume he's racist. Women will act differently (than he's used to) around him. So will gay men. Everything (at work, and in life) will become his problem to fix. He'll be expected to be chivalrous one minute, and gender-blind the next, without knowing which. And he's going to have to get used to being wrong. About absolutely everything.

Being a straight guy sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him being a straight guy isn't exactly a picnic either.


People will blame you for everything. If he's white, people will assume he's racist. Women will act differently (than he's used to) around him. So will gay men. Everything (at work, and in life) will become his problem to fix. He'll be expected to be chivalrous one minute, and gender-blind the next, without knowing which. And he's going to have to get used to being wrong. About absolutely everything.

Being a straight guy sucks.

Aww so sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.

He can't create a child with another man.