A gay man that doesn't want to be gay

[Anonymous]

You are a good friend. Stay open and non judgemental. Show him you care and will always care no matter what. Sexuality is only one part of him. It doesn't define who he is a person

[Anonymous]

I had a very masculine gay friend who tried to like women. (Even did that fake "I'm bi" thing) but we all knew he was gay and just supported him through it until he was ready to be the wonderful, brilliant, perfect, gay man that he is.

Now he's amazingly happy and in a wonderful relationship (soon to be married).

OP, just support your friend.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he can find a woman who is ok with an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know someone just like your friend. Unfortunately, that battle of not wanting to be gay has led him to addiction. I hope your friend can find comfort in living a gay life.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can totally relate to your friend.

I'm in a very happy, committed gay relationship, but it still doesn't feel right to me some times. I still have feelings for women that I've always had, and there are days when I still long for the traditional marriage/kids life that I always thought I would have. In my 20s, I opened up to some friends and felt very pressured to pick a gay life so I wasn't "living a lie." I know they had good intentions but I never felt like I was really living my truth. Still, I have a great relationship with a great guy, but some days I wonder if I made the right choice and where my life might have gone had I taken another path. It's complicated for sure.

Your friend is very lucky to have such a great friend in you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if there is a reason he feels he can't have a family with a husband.

This. Yes, it's expensive and difficult for two men to have kids, but it can happen. I am close with a gay couple who adopted their son a few years ago - they could not be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can totally relate to your friend.

I'm in a very happy, committed gay relationship, but it still doesn't feel right to me some times. I still have feelings for women that I've always had, and there are days when I still long for the traditional marriage/kids life that I always thought I would have. In my 20s, I opened up to some friends and felt very pressured to pick a gay life so I wasn't "living a lie." I know they had good intentions but I never felt like I was really living my truth. Still, I have a great relationship with a great guy, but some days I wonder if I made the right choice and where my life might have gone had I taken another path. It's complicated for sure.

Your friend is very lucky to have such a great friend in you, OP.

I'm a woman married to a woman, living in the 'burbs, teaching in public school, with a kid. Doesn't get much more "traditional" than that. Why do you think you can't have that with another man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can totally relate to your friend.

I'm in a very happy, committed gay relationship, but it still doesn't feel right to me some times. I still have feelings for women that I've always had, and there are days when I still long for the traditional marriage/kids life that I always thought I would have. In my 20s, I opened up to some friends and felt very pressured to pick a gay life so I wasn't "living a lie." I know they had good intentions but I never felt like I was really living my truth. Still, I have a great relationship with a great guy, but some days I wonder if I made the right choice and where my life might have gone had I taken another path. It's complicated for sure.

Your friend is very lucky to have such a great friend in you, OP.

I'm a woman married to a woman, living in the 'burbs, teaching in public school, with a kid. Doesn't get much more "traditional" than that. Why do you think you can't have that with another man?

Yes I get that and congrats, but hopefully you too can appreciate that the gay "traditional marriage/kids life" that you have is pretty new and wasn't really around 20+ years ago when I was trying to figure out my sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very good friend, we've known each other since elementary school, went thru hs together, stayed in touch thru college and we are still best friends.
I'm married and have 2 kids. He's basically their uncle.

We are 35 years old.

I have known that he's gay since end of hs/beginning of college. Everyone knows he's gay although he is not over the top and does not show off relationships a ton. He is not hiding it, yet not flaunting it.

Recently he confided in my that he "doesn't want to be gay". He said that he has always known that he's gay, but he has never wanted to be gay.
He said that he has always dreamed of having a typical family, a wife and kids. He told me that he wants to try dating women.

I was floored, I didn't know what to say. I suggested he talk to a therapist about this to maybe weed out why he's feeling this way

He's a masculine guy, you would never guess he's gay by his demeanor or actions.
I love him, he is like a brother and want to support him, but was speechless.

What else can I say to him?

My DH revealed early on that he was bisexual. It took a long time getting use to. But I think I made it a bigger deal than he did. Similarly, he knew he wanted a wife and kids. He just also knew about his bisexuality and was pretty confident in it. But just as, if not more, confident in our relationship.

[Anonymous]

"Bisexual" can mean many different things, from a "gay man who doesn't want to be gay," to a basically straight guy who occasionally has feelings towards towards members of the same sex.

Up until modern times, the latter group almost never identified as "bisexual," because it's so much easier to just be "straight." Both gays and straight assume that you are either gay and in denial, or you are a dilettante who going through some kind of phase.