Unsolicited advice
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Anonymous
| I got a long email today from my mom full of unsolicited advice on parenting my special needs son. Full of things like "please don't feel judged" and "we're not trying to be critical." We visited them recently so it's in response to seeing us interact. But the effect is that I feel criticized, judged and deflated. I just don't know how to respond. The advice is super obvious- "try to limit screen time" and "use things he likes to motivate him." It makes me not want to visit them again. How to respond so I don't get sucked into defending my parenting? |
Anonymous
| She wants to help and doesn't know how. Say thanks and move on. |
Anonymous
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Another SN mom here. This is driven by her anxiety. The more anxious my mother gets about my SN child, the more advice I get and the more she attempts to control the situation at a very very basic level with silly basic advice. When I realized this, I was able to step back and not get so angry about this type of eye-rolling advice.
I would respond by saying "Mom, are you feeling anxious? You sound very anxious based on the tone of this advice. I want to make sure you are okay and taking care of you. Larlo's diagnosis affects us all" |
Anonymous
| OP here - good advice from both. Thanks so much. Anxiety sounds right - she is very anxious. I need to find a way to acknowledge it without opening the floodgates to all of her anxieties about me and my son, which I find very overwhelming and debilitating. So I will try to say something sympathetic... |
Anonymous
| Maybe, too, remember that you are her child, and she may feel powerless to "make things better" for you? |
Anonymous
+100 she means well. |
Anonymous
Of course she means well. But it's such a trite thing to say. Remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I like pps' suggestion, acknowledge her anxiety and try to see it as a reflection of that instead an indictment on your parenting. I'm sorry OP. My mom does this to me all the time and I don't always react well. This is a good reminder to me as well. |
Anonymous
This poster is seriously wise. This is totally my mom, and coupled with her own anxiety, she ends up not really trying to make things better for me, but only to seem like they are better for me (when really she's talking about better for her worries). Very frustrating, and has ended up leaving me unsupported emotionally and in terms of the physical help that is just too costly for me to accept. I should note that my kid is not special needs, but my family has had a series of health issues through the years that amounts to the same thing on some dimensions. I really try to be kind hearted, but I don't always have the energy for her mishigas on top of my own crap. |
Anonymous
+1 I'm sure she does mean well, but that doesn't obligate OP to be silent and take it. She can say, "I know that you want what's best for DS. Parenting a SN child is difficult, and we are working with teachers/doctors/therapists to best address his needs. Please just be there to love and support DS as his grandma, and if I need advice, I will ask." |
Anonymous
| You can ask sincerely if she has concrete ways that she can help execute this plan she has made for you. |
Anonymous
NP here. OP, while you don't have to "take it," and yes, you should say what the PP advises here, please also couple that with giving your mom something concrete and very specific to DO for you and your child. Figure out something you can present to her as, "You know, I realize you want to help -- Would you be willing to...." then give her a task so she can feel she actually is accomplishing something that you want and need accomplished. Figure it out before you talk to her and don't wing it. If she's really into getting online, maybe ask her to research something for you (yes, you are perfectly able to do it yourself, but this is about finding her some task, not about telling her you can handle everything yourself). Or if your child likes and responds well to certain things (type of toy, type of audiobook to listen to at night, whatever, I don't know) then set her the task of finding those with a limit on how many you want (so she doesn't inundate you). And be willing to teach her about your child's needs. I don't know how far away she lives but I'd bet that places like INOVA might have grandparent classes on special needs children. If they don't, your child's doctors might be able to recommend some. In other words -- she does want to help; she doesn't know first-hand about your child's needs or the way parents handle to hose needs today; and there is zero reason to let this turn into a problem. She is anxious at least in part out of love, and love gets frustrated when it cannot help. Make her an ally in any way she can actually help you, even if you have to fudge a little to find something for her to do. Someone's going to come along and post, "You shouldn't have to do that! Tell her off and tell her to stop! That's coddling her and you're too busy!" etc. But there just is no need to treat her that way. She did not mean to diss your parenting; she just is at a loss, out of love. If she's not toxic or problematic in other ways, please don't let this one e-mail eat at you. And she could prove a great ally over time as your child gets older, if you are willing to involve her however is appropriate. |
Anonymous
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I'm not trying to diminish your problems, but this isn't just a problem restricted to having a special needs child. We have twins and we have times when we get more overwhelmed by having two (certain stages were very difficult). As various life issues get in the way, we sometimes get more stressed or one of the kids goes through a difficult phase. If something like this happens when we visit one of our mothers, we see similar type concern (although both of our mothers would do it in person rather than through email).
The best way we have found to handle any unsolicited advice (and we get a lot from all sources) is to just say "Thanks for caring. I'll think about what you've said and see what works." That conveys the message that you've heard them. You don't have to use anything they said, but I've often found that even some of the ideas in the "I would never do that" category sometimes help. I've found that kids often defy every plan, intention or principal that you set and sometimes even when you've worked out Plans A, B, C, etc, that sometimes nothing you've thought of works with that particular child and you may have to go with plan Z, which may be something someone you don't like suggested, doing something you swore you'd never do, but it might work in that situation with that child. I've had that happen a couple of times, so I stop discounting things and even thinking that I'll never do that. I now think, well, hopefully I'll never need to try that. And hope my children don't make me resort to that, but no promises anymore. |
Anonymous
Special needs mom here. It's very hard to reassure yourself that someone means well when you are out with your special needs child in public and you receive a constant stream of advice such as "You should consider physical therapy." "Have you had her tested for autism?" "There are some great new therapies for kids like that." "Spanking kids works wonders, you should try it." "Special parents for special children!" "I couldn't do what you do!" And other well-intentioned meaningless advice. |
Anonymous
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Do you communicate with her about his treatment plan? Does she know the basic parameters of what you're doing? You need to communicate your own confidence and competence in how you're handling it.
"Mom, None of this is helpful. Do you not think we have considered these ideas? We are working with his doctors and therapists to make a plan that helps him address x, y, and z issue. We've addresses these things and more. Please, have faith in what we're doing. I understand that you feel anxious and worried about DS, but if you would like to truly help him and me, trust us to manage this. Your job as a grandparent is the same as it ever was--to love him and enjoy him just as he is. If there's some specific question you have, I will do my best to answer it--and if this missive is a backhanded way of addressing some specific problem you had during the visit, I would rather you just tell me straight out what the issue was. We are doing the best we can. <insert something nice about the visit> Love, OP." |
Anonymous
My mother runs anxious, and sometimes I have to be rather blunt with her. I tell her straight out that I am done talking about x, and if she is worrying that much about x, she needs to talk with a therapist about it, not me. I remind her that there is treatment for anxiety, and that certain things don't need to cause her as much stress and suffering as they do. Don't be your mom's therapist about your son's issues--and be clear about it. |