Do you pay for IVF or do you and your partner split the cost? Wondering if I need a reality check

[Anonymous]

I married a wonderful, kind man three years ago who had two children from a previous marriage. He knew I wanted a child and was supportive, but we failed to get pregnant naturally. When the issue of IVF came up, he asked me to cover the costs as he was paying child support for his two children

Flash forward 18 months, we're still trying IVF, and I'm wondering if I've been a fool to cash in my retirement savings to pay for this. We've never argued about this. I want a child, so part of me thinks I shouldn't squabble over who pays for the process. But another part of me feels it's not all that fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married a wonderful, kind man three years ago who had two children from a previous marriage. He knew I wanted a child and was supportive, but we failed to get pregnant naturally. When the issue of IVF came up, he asked me to cover the costs as he was paying child support for his two children

Flash forward 18 months, we're still trying IVF, and I'm wondering if I've been a fool to cash in my retirement savings to pay for this. We've never argued about this. I want a child, so part of me thinks I shouldn't squabble over who pays for the process. But another part of me feels it's not all that fair.

i find it kind of weird that you and your husband have separate finances to that extent. my husband and i also have separate bank accounts and technically he pays for some things an and i pay for others, but there is nowhere that sense that it's one person bearing the cost as opposed to other.

[Anonymous]

Holy cow. I can't imagine my husband suggesting this and me going along with it. However, we have joint accounts and are very much a team. You're clearly not a team. If you move forward with IVF it's safe to assume he will expect any and all future child expenses to fall on your shoulders.

[Anonymous]

You should charge him at least 50k for the birth. 100k if there are any complications or the epidural doesn't work. What a jerk.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's okay with it if it happens and if you do all the work, but he's not that invested in it emotionally. I'm sorry, that would be really hurtful to me.

[Anonymous]

We have a joint account for most shared expenses and keep separate accounts for other things Probably not a perfect system, but it works as I have some very expensive eldercare expenses that I pay from my account, and he pays child support to his kids from his previous marriage though his account. I should clarify, I guess I'm just wondering if for most people IVF is a shared expense, or if it's reasonable for female partner of a heterosexual couple to cover the costs. We both make the same amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a joint account for most shared expenses and keep separate accounts for other things Probably not a perfect system, but it works as I have some very expensive eldercare expenses that I pay from my account, and he pays child support to his kids from his previous marriage though his account. I should clarify, I guess I'm just wondering if for most people IVF is a shared expense, or if it's reasonable for female partner of a heterosexual couple to cover the costs. We both make the same amount of money.

For most people IVF is a shared expense, yes.

Fwiw, everything in my household is a shared expense. We are a team. Whether they are eldercare expenses, medical expenses, vacations, golf clubs, Brazilian waxes, etc = shared expenses. We are a team!!! We also make similar salaries.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced from a grade-A jerk and even HE wouldn't ask me to pay for "my own" IVF. Sheesh.

Obviously he is not 100% on board with this. He's probably secretly relieved that maybe you won't be able to have a baby.

[Anonymous]

I would expect that it's a shared expense for most people. But it strikes me as a weird question because, as PPs have said, our finances are so related that there isn't a "his" and "mine" for expenses of this magnitude.
There's not a right or wrong way to handle this, but make sure you are both very clear about who will be paying for what if you do get pregnant. I don't see it as an especially good sign that he's having you bear both the financial and physical cost of all this.

[Anonymous]

When we were first married, we kept things very separate as he had kids/crazy money demanding ex-wife. As his income went up, he took care of more expenses as we had split them initially and it basically freed up most of my money for adoption. Its a huge issue if a good chunk of his income is going to child support. It took us years to adopt so some of the costs were spread out. As soon as we did, he encouraged me to quit as I was not happy and he pays for everything/no issue (I have full access to all money).

My concern for you is when child comes, how are you paying for child care and this child's expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect that it's a shared expense for most people. But it strikes me as a weird question because, as PPs have said, our finances are so related that there isn't a "his" and "mine" for expenses of this magnitude.
There's not a right or wrong way to handle this, but make sure you are both very clear about who will be paying for what if you do get pregnant. I don't see it as an especially good sign that he's having you bear both the financial and physical cost of all this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced from a grade-A jerk and even HE wouldn't ask me to pay for "my own" IVF. Sheesh.

Obviously he is not 100% on board with this. He's probably secretly relieved that maybe you won't be able to have a baby.

I seriously can't imagine.

[Anonymous]

Definitely a shared expense.

I feel awful that you've cashed out your retirement savings for all of this, as I think it's pretty evident that you all won't be married for the rest of your lives.

[Anonymous]

Will he be paying you child support once the child is born?

[Anonymous]

OP here -- all of you have very good points and this is painful, but helpful to hear. I was preparing to have a child on my own when we met, so I guess we just feel into the assumption that I would cover all IVF costs. When I explicitly raised it, he said he didn't have enough money with his child support costs to pay for IVF but then if he can't cover IVF, I guess that really does beg the question of how he can financially contribute to raising child. Sorry, I know this isn't online therapy. I asked the question as I was initially interested to know if in any other couples, the cost of IVF fell on one partner, or if I'm in a really weird situation.