Do you pay for IVF or do you and your partner split the cost? Wondering if I need a reality check

[Anonymous]

OP, I know this isn't online therapy, but I wish you the best in this process. IVF is never easy and many marriages struggle in working these things out. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would imagine it's usually a shared expense so you both have to agree to it. It sounds like if he had to to pay he probably can't or wouldn't be in favor of ivf. You basically agreed to cover the expenses from your money so it's hard to complain about it now.

[Anonymous]

It's a very unique situation OP.

My DH and I have all joint accounts, so this never came up.

Does he have savings? Is there money in your shared account that could cover the expense? IVF is a lot of money, as we all know, and the money has to come from somewhere. To me, a critical question is whether he truly doesn't have the money or whether he's just withholding the money.

I fortunately was not in a position where I had to cash out my retirement savings. I don't think it's crazy that it never occurred to him to do this himself with his own retirement savings. That's a very serious step. He possibly can't even do that based on the terms of his divorce settlement.

It seems like you all need to talk a lot more about the topic. Does he even know you cashed out your retirement? Give him a chance before you write him off as a total jerk on this issue.

[Anonymous]

He also might have no idea what the cost is. For the uninitiated, it's pretty mind boggling. Have you told him the cost?

[Anonymous]

My husband and i do not share bank accounts -- mainly because he financially supports his mom and sister. (Which is another issue.) I paid for most of the IVF because I had more disposable income. But it definitely was a shared burden.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP - this seems crazy to me. IVF is already so hard on the woman going through it. The added financial burden, to me, seems rather cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a joint account for most shared expenses and keep separate accounts for other things Probably not a perfect system, but it works as I have some very expensive eldercare expenses that I pay from my account, and he pays child support to his kids from his previous marriage though his account. I should clarify, I guess I'm just wondering if for most people IVF is a shared expense, or if it's reasonable for female partner of a heterosexual couple to cover the costs. We both make the same amount of money.

For most people IVF is a shared expense, yes.

Fwiw, everything in my household is a shared expense. We are a team. Whether they are eldercare expenses, medical expenses, vacations, golf clubs, Brazilian waxes, etc = shared expenses. We are a team!!! We also make similar salaries.

+1 except I make a little over half my husbands salary.

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you handle other expenses?

In theory we have joint finances with DH, but in practice it's separate accounts and he pays for example for the housing and everything car related and I pay for our insurance and food. We save for big expenses together. For IVF I have been paying whatever my insurance hasn't covered (~20K so far) with the understanding that during the months when the IVF expenses come up, I am fore-going the saving contribution to the house downpayment. So strictly speaking you could say I paid for IF treatments, but I think of the cashflow as a joint thing.

[Anonymous]

You are in a unique situation OP. My DH's insurance covered it. What wasn't covered, we just figured out a way to come up with the money. It was never my money or his money. I sort of get the child support issue, but what about his family with you?

[Anonymous]

If I were you I'd ask for joint accounts. This means your income goes to IVF and child support and his does as well. You're kidding yourself if you think you aren't already contributing to the child support and he's kidding himself if he thinks he isn't contributing to the IVF. Become a team. I assume you married this man knowing he has child support and once you married it became your burden as well. You probably got yourself in this mess to begin with by telling him he alone has to pay child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in a unique situation OP. My DH's insurance covered it. What wasn't covered, we just figured out a way to come up with the money. It was never my money or his money. I sort of get the child support issue, but what about his family with you?

Sorry, hit submit too soon! I am wishing you the best! I hope the current/next cycle works!!

[Anonymous]

Yes you are a fool. Marriage is a partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you are a fool. Marriage is a partnership.

This is very harsh. Partnership comes in different sizes and flavors, just because it's not identical to your brand doesn't mean it's not a valid arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you I'd ask for joint accounts. This means your income goes to IVF and child support and his does as well. You're kidding yourself if you think you aren't already contributing to the child support and he's kidding himself if he thinks he isn't contributing to the IVF. Become a team. I assume you married this man knowing he has child support and once you married it became your burden as well. You probably got yourself in this mess to begin with by telling him he alone has to pay child support.

For her privacy, she is better off keeping a separate account until child support is over. We had lots of ex-wife issues. His ex took him to court as soon as we got married demanding an increase based off my income (she was living with someone and refused to count his income, but demanded mine). If we had a joint account, she'd be able to see all my spending and finances and it was none of her business. Of course, she got denied (and two kids taken off child support and lost alimony in the hearing so she burned herself big time plus attorney fees). They do sometimes look at spouses income. For us, it changed his tax bracket to a higher bracket with my income so they used that to reduce the support because the it had changed things. You become a team but when you have one partner with kids and child support, it makes things far more complicated. Once child support is over, we merged everything. But, not a chance I'd do it before then.

[Anonymous]

It's very strange. Look, part of the problem is that you want a kid and he doesn't. That's not typically the case with most ppl doing ivf. And think about how ridiculous it would be for any man who wanted a child to tell his wife, who bears all the physical cost, that she had to pay for it too. LOL! Never!

But doesn't this also make you reconsider whether it's a good idea? Once the kid is born they will be hurt if dad treats them like "not my responsibility". how can you bring a kid into this?