Lesbian friends

[Anonymous]

If you are straight, do you have lesbian friends?

I am a lesbian whose been married to my partner for 10 years and we have 2 kids. I feel like I am having a hard time making friends with straight women. I get the feeling that if I ask a fellow mom if she wants to hang out (sans kids) then she perceives it as a date. I am happily married and am not looking to date - just hang out with other women/moms.
Just this week a co-worker asked if I wanted to go to happy hour with her, and then tacked on, "you know...just as friends." Sigh.

Most of my friends are from college and no longer live in this area and I really miss having friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm straight. I have one good lesbian friend, but she lives out of town. I would not think you were hitting on me if you wanted to hang out, and I hate that you feel that way!

[Anonymous]

My next door neighbor is a lesbian not currently in a relationship. I have a lesbian friend who is in a long-term relationship. And my best friend since 6th grade is bisexual, although by her own admission would prefer that she end up in a heterosexual relationship.

I am happily married, so if a friend/colleague/acquaintance asked me to hang out, regardless of that person's gender, I would hope we would all be clear that it wasn't a date!

[Anonymous]

I'm straight and a good number of my friends are lesbian. I'm just sorry you've encountered women who perceive your friendly overtures as something more. To the "just as friends" co-worker, I'd have just smiled and said, "Well, yes. My wife will be happy to hear that." Very light-hearted and a little perplexed, because why would it be anything else but as friends?

[Anonymous]

I'm straight and my best friend is a lesbian, currently in a relationship but she wasn't for much of the time I've known her. It's a complete non-issue for us, of course. We're friends just like any other friends -- she's awesome.

As for making friends with other moms, my advice is that if you treat it as a non-issue they will, too. And if someone has an issue and thinks you have other motives, well, then they're wacky and not likely someone you'd want to hang out with anyway.

[Anonymous]

no lesbian friends, but my husband's best friend's wife once hit on me. Does that count?

I've just never had a lesbian try to be my friend (that I know of).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm straight and my best friend is a lesbian, currently in a relationship but she wasn't for much of the time I've known her. It's a complete non-issue for us, of course. We're friends just like any other friends -- she's awesome.

As for making friends with other moms, my advice is that if you treat it as a non-issue they will, too. And if someone has an issue and thinks you have other motives, well, then they're wacky and not likely someone you'd want to hang out with anyway.

Agreed. If someone thinks you're hitting on them solely because you're a lesbian, that's on them.

[Anonymous]

Straight parent here. The two mothers with whom I am closest are a lesbian couple with two children. They were constantly there for me when my daughter was an infant, then I was a birth helper for their first child and did the "night shifts" at the hospital after their second c-section. We email and talk all of the time and try to visit at least a couple of times per month, but they are in Arlington and I am in NWDC so it's not like we can drop by after dinner. I can't imagine being closer to anyone, and my DH adores them too. I have other lesbian friends-- some parents, some not. One thing you might run into is women who resent how balanced your relationship is. I know that this has been a very big thing with some of the other parents in my friend's moms group (she's a SAHM). They just can't believe how equal this couple is, even with one at home and one doing a big-time management job. Some have expressed resentment and then felt weird about it.

People are insecure. If you get a "just as friends comment," maybe you can muster the "of course-- I'm married after all" comment. It's exasperating that you have to, but people don't learn without help.

[Anonymous]

Not currently, but I've had several close lesbian friends in the past -- and we were just that -- friends. They were in relationships and so was I - so it was understood. A few times I hung out with them at lesbian bars (although the other women at the bar didn't necessarily realize I was straight - so I felt like a bit of a tease -haha! Gay, straight, whatever. I don't have many friends in the area either and get a bit lonely at times too - I'd hang with ya! Where do you live? I'm in Fairfax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are straight, do you have lesbian friends?

I am a lesbian whose been married to my partner for 10 years and we have 2 kids. I feel like I am having a hard time making friends with straight women. I get the feeling that if I ask a fellow mom if she wants to hang out (sans kids) then she perceives it as a date. I am happily married and am not looking to date - just hang out with other women/moms.
Just this week a co-worker asked if I wanted to go to happy hour with her, and then tacked on, "you know...just as friends." Sigh.

Most of my friends are from college and no longer live in this area and I really miss having friends.

Oh my goodness, how weird! I'm straight, married, baby on the way (within a week!). Have a few gay friends, men and women but none in the area. Also, my cousin, who was more like my sister growing up, is a lesbian. She's in a relationship right now (albeit a crappy one) but what you describe happens to her all of the time, and it's so shocking to me that people make those assumptions. Goodness, I have to wonder if this colleague was very young or if she has ever had a platonic male friend. Some people are just really, really sheltered, I suppose. I might be tempted to tell her "don't flatter yourself, sweetie!" but PP who said "my wife will be glad to hear that" was probably on a better (nicer) track.

Where are you, poster? I'd hang out with you too. I'm in Michigan Park, DC (upper NE).

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that, OP. It sounds lonely! May I ask what field you work in? I can't imagine anyone at my office saying what your co-worker said because there are so many gay people who work here but then again we are in health and human services.

Anyway, for the record, straight woman here who over the years has had a variety of lesbian friends and used to hang out in the lesbian community in grad school. And being married with a kid I really relate to the difficulty of making good friends outside one's marriage. I'd be delighted to go out with a woman friend from work. I can't imagine assuming someone would mistake it for a date. The lesbians I know at work are all in long-term partnerships/marriages and of course everyone knows I'm married. Nobody is cruising anyone here!

My first reaction is to say that your co-worker is really weird but then I guess I forget what most of the rest of the US is like and that there are plenty of folks like that in the DC area. But there are lots of places where that is not the case. I hope you find a job at a place like that.

Sorry -- that sucks!

[Anonymous]

I'm a lesbian that has noticed this issue too. Some foolish people get the idea that since I am attracted women, that somehow means that I am attracted to all women. It is kind of annoying and I finally asked a woman who made such a comment if she was attracted to every man, since she likes men. She seemed perplexed and a bit horrified and never said anything like that again.

Of course, you cant say that to everyone. I have no idea why some people don't get it. If you want to hang with some straight moms you know, just try to politely work in a comment about wanting a plutonic relationship. You could even come up with an amusing rant about some women assuming your are asking them out and how annoying that is.

[Anonymous]

I'm straight, and I have lesbian friends (a couple of whom are moms, and a couple of whom are not). I think what your co-worker said was odd, and I would not assume that a lesbian asking me if I wanted to hang out sometime was hitting on me.

Then again, at a school function, I smiled and said "hi" to a dad I've seen at a few times at informal group playdates at the park. He just looked at me, put his arms around his wife, and kissed her. Oooooooookay. Maybe the threshold for assuming that one is being hit on is really low these days. Or maybe there are just a lot of weirdos.

[Anonymous]

Okay some perspective here. I am straight and met someone at a children's music show and she happened to be gay--our girls were the same age roughly and we sort of started chatting the way moms do. She was really nice and the awkwardness that I felt was that she sort of emphasized that she was gay etc. etc. I sort of felt bad because I think she maybe was trying to put that out there quickly so if I was anti gay she wouldn't have to waste her time maybe? The net result is that I felt a little awkward--does anyone understand what I mean? I wanted to say-hey no biggie but I didn't really know her so it just felt weird.

How could this have gone better-I don't know because I understand where this lady was coming from but still when someone announces their sexuality it can throw you on top of the fact that it's awkward getting to know new moms in the easiest of circumstance. I also see the awkwardness with SAHD--they like to get together too for playgroups/company etc but that's what they are looking for and not to cheat on their wife but that can also be awkwad. Anyway that is my initial thought.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any lesbian friends, well at least not locally. Not because I don't want them, just because I don't happen to have any. My circle of friends is very small, and the one person I socialize with, who is bi, is now married to a man.

I find it curious that people would have to add "as a friend". Then again, I once went to lunch with a friend, and the next thing I knew I was outed. I guess people in the office thought it was a lunch date, and the rumor spread like wild fire. I didn't give the rumor much attention, and let people think what they wanted. I did get to see one of the supervisors for who he really was though. His whole attitude towards me changed.