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Lesbian friends
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Anonymous
I can understand your frustration. Your co-worker definitely could/should have handled that better. However, to give her the benefit of the doubt, I'd imagine she found herself in a potentially ambiguous situation and reacted poorly. If a man asks a straight woman to go to happy hour, I could see her wanting to clarify their situation ("just as friends"). I imagine that your co-worker may have felt the same potential for miscommunication and wanted to clarify. Sorry you're having a tough time. |
Anonymous
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Oh my goodness, how weird! I'm straight, married, baby on the way (within a week!). Have a few gay friends, men and women but none in the area. Also, my cousin, who was more like my sister growing up, is a lesbian. She's in a relationship right now (albeit a crappy one) but what you describe happens to her all of the time, and it's so shocking to me that people make those assumptions. Goodness, I have to wonder if this colleague was very young or if she has ever had a platonic male friend. Some people are just really, really sheltered, I suppose. I might be tempted to tell her "don't flatter yourself, sweetie!" but PP who said "my wife will be glad to hear that" was probably on a better (nicer) track.
Where are you, poster? I'd hang out with you too. I'm in Michigan Park, DC (upper NE). I think it's crazy that things would be so awkward and hard in DC! I just moved here, but I would think an open city like this would foster people with open views. In any case, I agree with PP quoted, and I would love to hang out with you- I'm in NW DC and also expecting a baby in 3 weeks. WHat's your email? |
Anonymous
| Sorry, PP here, I think I wasn't sure how to "quote" so it looks like a dupe. |
Anonymous
| Straight and married. Have 3 lesbian friends. Don't really think about whether they are attracted to me or would hit on me--and more than I would with a hetero male friend!!! |
Anonymous
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now, we not only have to put up with your conduct but also be friends with you?!?!?!
all our choices have prices and compromising involved. please learn to accept them. |
Anonymous
| 18:37- REALLY? Wow. That is just mean. |
Anonymous
This must be a troll -- because it has nothing to do with the original point OP made about a co-worker who asked her to hang out. Don't bother responding. All she wants to do is stir up trouble and get attention. |
Anonymous
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18:37: Indeed, you are correct about choices. For example, you have made the choice to be rude. And we all must accept it. I'm actually surprised you were able to post, though, since there is no Internet in the 1950s.
OP: I have had a number of lesbian friends and still do, and I have never thought they were hitting on me. (Surprising, since I am extremely attractive and brilliant to boot.  )In all seriousness, though, I'm just thrilled to connect with other moms who I feel like I can talk to about shared joys and frustrations, and I suspect that most moms feel that way, too. And if our kids get along, well, then, that seals the deal. I'm sorry that on top of the general parental challenges you must endure a whole other level of sh*t!--but I think in this area more of than not you will find that the shared maternal bond is what people are looking for. At least, I hope so.
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Anonymous
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I am a lesbian mom and have been together with my partner for about forever. I find that most of my friends are straight and those that aren't are parents. It seems like the mom bond is really strong and that is probably the primary basis of my friend relationships at this point in my life. We all have the same concerns in life - like what is the best type of childcare/camp for the summer, what types of activities to try, which restaurants are kid friendly, where to hold significant birthday parties, how to deal with playground bullies, where to find the best dental care for our kids, etc. And, we have the same interests for Saturday nights - doing what will make our kids happiest.
I do find that I have little in common with stay at home moms or with moms who have summers off. But, I don't think that's a lesbian-straight issue. I think it's just that our lives have so little overlap that we don't develop anything more than a casual relationship. |
Anonymous
I think this poster is right on. When I was single (I'm hetero), there was always a little awkwardness or wondering whenever a male colleague made a friendly overture. And I was hit on by plenty of married men, so their marital status didn't seem to guarantee clear intent. I would give the benefit of the doubt and assume this woman was just clumsy in the moment. And though you are married, for most gay Americans this is not legally possible because they don't live in Iowa or Vermont. I'm pretty confident this will continue to change rather quickly. Surveys show a surprisingly rapid change in public opinion on the matter in the last decade, so call me a pollyanna, but I think there is a wide swath of people who are accepting of gay relationships in principle but have just not been that exposed to them. Hence the awkwardness. Your colleague sounds nice, even if she was a little stupid to start, so take her up on her offer of friendship. Five years from now, she'll probably be mortified when (if) she remembers this comment. Sorry if I took this thread beyond your question. I've been reading Andrew Sullivan's blog for the past year and half and it has really moved me. (In feeling, not principle, as the principle was already there.) I guess I'm saying that gay or straight, the sexual question may be there, and making new friends with other moms is just plain hard at this stage in our lives. |
Anonymous
Just because grandma doesn't agree it doesn't mean that she's a troll. people cannot disagree anymore? where did the 1st amendment go? |
Anonymous
Actually I would love to have some lesbian mom friends. Where so straight mommies meet moms like you? I don't find moms anywhere to be too friendly. Everybody's busy with their own lives.... |
Anonymous
The first amendment protects people from the government punishing them or keeping them from expressing their opinion. It does not give someone immunity from being called out for spouting off some stupid shit. |
Anonymous
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I don't have any lesbian friends - that I know of - but in grad school, I hung out with the lesbians in my cohort all the time, and never thought anything of it. One was married and one was in a relationship, but even if they hadn't been "taken," I wouldn't have thought that they were hitting on me when we arranged to do stuff. I also hung out with the straight guys in my cohort without assuming anything!
I would do a play date with someone with a child my daughter's age, gay or straight, if I liked them and their kid. Perhaps these people would also put the "just friends" thing out there if they were having drinks with a straight guy? just to make sure there were no crossed signals? |
Anonymous
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Just to put this in perspective. If any man in my office asked me to happy hour or to hang out just one-on-one, I would be worried about the intentions - unless we already had a very good friendship in place. So if he didn't tack on "just as friends" or something to make his lack of intentions clear - I would feel awkard. I've been a "victim" (for lack of a better word) from many unwelcomed males in the workplace (both married and single) So I'm not sure what the co-worker did was that wrong. Maybe awkward, but not wrong.
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