My ex did something extremely dangerous and I'm fuming

[Anonymous]

We do things together sometimes. So today we decided to have lunch and go to the outlet mall. While we were in the store, our son said he had to use the bathroom. His dad took him. About 10 minutes later, my ex comes back into the store and says "I told him three times to get out of the stall, but he refused, so I left him in there. He has to learn to listen." I dropped everything and went to the bathroom to make sure our son was still there and to get him. This is an outlet mall and the restrooms are accross the street. I'm also positive our son had no memory of what store I was in. He is seven. To say that I was furious is a major understatement.

The kid had to make a BM and apparently his father decided he was taking too long and he wasn't gong to wait any longer. I was so mad I told him to find a ride home and left him there. I have no idea how he will get home.

[Anonymous]

Yep, that's pretty immature of him. Good thing your ex is your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, that's pretty immature of him. Good thing your ex is your ex.

He is still defending the behavior as if it was some perfectly acceptable form of discipline to leave a seven year old in the bathroom in the mall.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. This was my ex. Lost our children in public places too many times to remember. FWIW, I did explain carefully that it was against the law for exDH to leave them alone under age 8, but, honestly, exDH was incapable of modifying his own behavior. After a dangerous situation, I gave up and became the parent with de facto full custody. No formal court order or fight, just offering to accompany exDH when he had plans for outings in big public places.

By about age 8, my kids understood how to keep themselves safe in basic ways and would ignore Dad if he instructed them otherwise. Also, around age 8 is when I gave them cellphones (which I also had w/ tracking).

Now they are in MS and HS and recognize that their dad is basically a super irresponsible person and terrible parent. Thankfully, neither has ever entered a rebellious/nefarious stage where they wanted to try to move to dad's custody in order to exploit the bad parenting for their own short-term benefit.

Unfortunately, IME, guys who parent like this really never change. They also really don't recognize the negative impact it has on their relationship with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. This was my ex. Lost our children in public places too many times to remember. FWIW, I did explain carefully that it was against the law for exDH to leave them alone under age 8, but, honestly, exDH was incapable of modifying his own behavior. After a dangerous situation, I gave up and became the parent with de facto full custody. No formal court order or fight, just offering to accompany exDH when he had plans for outings in big public places.

By about age 8, my kids understood how to keep themselves safe in basic ways and would ignore Dad if he instructed them otherwise. Also, around age 8 is when I gave them cellphones (which I also had w/ tracking).

Now they are in MS and HS and recognize that their dad is basically a super irresponsible person and terrible parent. Thankfully, neither has ever entered a rebellious/nefarious stage where they wanted to try to move to dad's custody in order to exploit the bad parenting for their own short-term benefit.

Unfortunately, IME, guys who parent like this really never change. They also really don't recognize the negative impact it has on their relationship with their kids.

I'm glad your kids are ok and never had a rebellious stage. My son saw how upset I was (maybe I should have kept my cool better in front of him). Even he knows now that his dad just does stupid stuff. I told him his father made a mistake and what he did was not safe. I'm not going to pretend that it's ok, when clearly it wasn't. He is still "pouting" and acting like I am unreasonable. This is a pattern we have. He does stupid stuff and when I react he blames me for it.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I have a 7yo DS and I don't think I would accompany him to the bathroom. I would point to the bathroom, he can read signs, and tell him I would be in the same place. So leaving him isn't really a problem for me. But being critical of how long your DS take to make a BM is probably not nice. I don't think this is dangerous. Do you let your 7 year old walk to the park or ride his bike around the block? How is this different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I have a 7yo DS and I don't think I would accompany him to the bathroom. I would point to the bathroom, he can read signs, and tell him I would be in the same place. So leaving him isn't really a problem for me. But being critical of how long your DS take to make a BM is probably not nice. I don't think this is dangerous. Do you let your 7 year old walk to the park or ride his bike around the block? How is this different?

No, I do not. We live on Conn in DC and there is no way I would let him ride a bike by himself yet. If I lived in the suburbs and he had friends to play with on the street, sure. But it's different in DC. It's not that he left him in the stall by himself. It's that he left him in the stall, walked across the street into a store where my child had no idea where to find us. He has never been to this outlet mall before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I have a 7yo DS and I don't think I would accompany him to the bathroom. I would point to the bathroom, he can read signs, and tell him I would be in the same place. So leaving him isn't really a problem for me. But being critical of how long your DS take to make a BM is probably not nice. I don't think this is dangerous. Do you let your 7 year old walk to the park or ride his bike around the block? How is this different?

Not OP, but I wouldn't expect a 7-year-old to cross a street or parking lot at a mall by himself to find me in some random store. That's simply not safe for a child that age (cars and strangers, etc.). I also wouldn't stand outside a stall waiting for him unless he wanted me to. I would stand outside the bathroom door, though, to wait for him to come out. Kids that age should never be left to wander in and out of a shopping mall.

[Anonymous]

I don't like that he left the building. In that situation, I probably would have walked out of the bathroom and waited outside in the hallway. Honestly, I don't want to be standing around in the bathroom for 10+ minutes either.

When my daughter was 6 or 7, I let her start going to the bathroom by herself in public places where the bathroom wasn't too far away. So I fall on the non-helicopter side of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like that he left the building. In that situation, I probably would have walked out of the bathroom and waited outside in the hallway. Honestly, I don't want to be standing around in the bathroom for 10+ minutes either.

When my daughter was 6 or 7, I let her start going to the bathroom by herself in public places where the bathroom wasn't too far away. So I fall on the non-helicopter side of things.

If he had waited for him right outside of the bathroom we would not be having this conversation. He left the building completely and went into a store across the street. Apparently kids should poop on HIS schedule and take the amount of time acceptable to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I have a 7yo DS and I don't think I would accompany him to the bathroom. I would point to the bathroom, he can read signs, and tell him I would be in the same place. So leaving him isn't really a problem for me. But being critical of how long your DS take to make a BM is probably not nice. I don't think this is dangerous. Do you let your 7 year old walk to the park or ride his bike around the block? How is this different?

In DC, VA and MD this is illegal under the age of 8.

[Anonymous]

You are right OP. Ex is dead wrong. Breathe. Be glad nothing bad happened, and maybe have a discussion with your son about what to do in an emergency situation of have a backup plan. Hopefully this is a one time miss but it doesn't hurt.

[Anonymous]

What in the hell? Why is he allowed to be around children if this is how he treats children when he gets angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What in the hell? Why is he allowed to be around children if this is how he treats children when he gets angry?

Trust me I feel the same way. Luckily, he is very nervous about having our son by himself so at least I get to monitor his stupid behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right OP. Ex is dead wrong. Breathe. Be glad nothing bad happened, and maybe have a discussion with your son about what to do in an emergency situation of have a backup plan. Hopefully this is a one time miss but it doesn't hurt.

Yes, this is a good time to teach your son what do do in an emergency, and a situation like this. He should know your cell phone number, and who to approach (another mom with kids), etc. That way if your ex acts like an irresponsible idiot again your son will know how to stay safe.