I think it's foolish for women to live and have children with men who won't marry them

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who wants to marry her partner of fourteen years, but he won't budge. They've lived together for five years and have a child together. She doesn't work. I worry about what would happen to her if (God forbid) their relationship doesn't work out. Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

You aren't worried about her, you just want to feel smugly superior to her for your different choices. Don't you have anything better to do than ask strangers to judge your friend first thing in the morning?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes relationships don't work out, married or not.

If theirs doesn't work out, he is still financially responsible for the child, regardless of the fact that they weren't married. Depending on her personal financial situation, it may be tougher for her if they do split, but single mothers rarely have an easy go after dissolution of a marriage either.

Is there a specific reason you "worry" for her, or is it judgement wrapped in pretend worry so you can feel better about the state of your own life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't worried about her, you just want to feel smugly superior to her for your different choices. Don't you have anything better to do than ask strangers to judge your friend first thing in the morning?

No, I really am worried for her. I also think she's being foolish! She refers to him as her husband and speaks wistfully of "when they get married." It makes me feel sad for her.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't make that choice for myself, but presumably your friend is an adult and mentally capable of making her own choices.

I would listen and offer advice the first few times she complained, but after that, I wouldn't discuss it with her anymore.

As for what would happen, she would get child support from the father, and she would have to find a job. The bigger concern would be what if something happens to him. She is not the automatic recipient of his life insurance benefit. She needs to make sure he 1) has life insurance and 2) names her as the beneficiary, or she needs to find a way to provide for herself.

How does she have health insurance if she is unmarried and doesn't work?

[Anonymous]

Since my life choices have been far from perfect I don't believe I am qualified to judge just because I am married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't make that choice for myself, but presumably your friend is an adult and mentally capable of making her own choices.

I would listen and offer advice the first few times she complained, but after that, I wouldn't discuss it with her anymore.

As for what would happen, she would get child support from the father, and she would have to find a job. The bigger concern would be what if something happens to him. She is not the automatic recipient of his life insurance benefit. She needs to make sure he 1) has life insurance and 2) names her as the beneficiary, or she needs to find a way to provide for herself.

How does she have health insurance if she is unmarried and doesn't work?

As far as I know, he purchases private insurance for the family (he's self-employed, and seems to do quite well).

[Anonymous]

No, you're not wrong to worry about her, which is much different than judging.

I have an acquaintance who had two children with a man she never married. The youngest is about to turn 18. Things didn't work between them and thew split up about 10 years ago. What sucks is that she will no longer have her house once the youngest turns 18 since it was in his name only. Had they been married, things would have been much different for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren't worried about her, you just want to feel smugly superior to her for your different choices. Don't you have anything better to do than ask strangers to judge your friend first thing in the morning?

You took the words right out of my mouth

[Anonymous]

Do you think people set out to end up in this position?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's supporting her and the child. What does she do for health insurance?

[Anonymous]

Her adult life her adult choices. Some adults learn the hard way and others the smart way. Sometimes you can't do anything but let them learn their life lessons. Tell her you are my friend, I think this is a poor decision, but good luck with it I'm staying out of it. From this point on you have done your part as a friend and you should no longer feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Why is it that you only think women are foolish?? What about the men? Please word things differently.

[Anonymous]

I hope she has some money and property in her name. It's always a risk for any adult not to have a source of income.

Having a partner who doesn't want to legally marry when you do must be emotionally difficult, but no worse than having a legal spouse who exhibits uncommitted behaviors.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree, it is foolish.