Tell me how to set boundaries

[Anonymous]

My in laws live out of state and visit often. My MiL often says rude and inappropriate things. For instance, UPS dropped off an Amazon package and my MIL was holding my DC and said "My, I think your mother must be having an affair with the UPS man, she gets so many packages!". It's rude and she doesn't understand the age of grocery and necessity delivery. She's also undermines constantly and inserts herself in child rearing situations. If I gently say "I've got this.", she starts crying hysterically that she can't do anything right. I know she won't change but I'm starting to feel like I need to set some boundaries and honestly, I don't want my daughter to think this sort of behavior is OK. She's also very sneaky and says things out of my husband's ear shot. He also finds her annoying and difficult for what it's worth. She is Marie Barone's twin sister. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH have to say, for starters?

The best thing is to have fewer and/or shorter visits. To keep you from going crazy--point that out to DH, that if things keep up as they are, you won't want to see them at all, so you need help reducing time to a point that you can stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH have to say, for starters?

The best thing is to have fewer and/or shorter visits. To keep you from going crazy--point that out to DH, that if things keep up as they are, you won't want to see them at all, so you need help reducing time to a point that you can stand.

She also drives him insane. He has asked them to leave early a couple of times. We also have had a very high stress year which doesn't help. One thing when they are here, I usually try not to bitch to my husband about them because it riles him up and then we are both miserable. I would like to get to the point where I'm okay with saying "that's not okay with me" and let her reactions be hers and not take them on or feel badly as long as they are done with kindness. I hate how I'm sitting here seething and thinking of all the hints I should have said to stick up for myself.

[Anonymous]

Hints = things

[Anonymous]

Practice a few short sentences that you will use to set boundaries, and say them in front of a mirror or recorded on yiur phone until you can deliver them in a confident but emotionless manner. Practice really helps.

[Anonymous]

Cut down on visits. Actually DH needs to be the one to tell them it's not a good time. And make the visits shorter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws live out of state and visit often. My MiL often says rude and inappropriate things. For instance, UPS dropped off an Amazon package and my MIL was holding my DC and said "My, I think your mother must be having an affair with the UPS man, she gets so many packages!". It's rude and she doesn't understand the age of grocery and necessity delivery. She's also undermines constantly and inserts herself in child rearing situations. If I gently say "I've got this.", she starts crying hysterically that she can't do anything right. I know she won't change but I'm starting to feel like I need to set some boundaries and honestly, I don't want my daughter to think this sort of behavior is OK. She's also very sneaky and says things out of my husband's ear shot. He also finds her annoying and difficult for what it's worth. She is Marie Barone's twin sister. Thanks in advance.

The UPS comment sounds clueless but benign to me. It's the undermining and then wildly overreacting that I would have a problem with.

Setting boundaries means not making her craziness your responsibility. Don't let her manipulate you. Ignore the tears - pretend it's not happening or leave the room. When she says something rude, don't try to smooth it over - react appropriately. "Why would you say that?" If she's saying quietly it to you so DH can't hear, respond in a loud voice. Don't enable her.

Also, I get that this is stressful for your DH, but he can't bury his head in the sand while his mother acts like a crazy person to his wife. This is his problem, too, and you two need to approach it together. He should to figure out what he needs in order to have a calm discussion about the problem and work on ways to approach it together. He doesn't get to leave you on your own to deal with his mother because his fee-fees are disturbed by talking about her shenanigans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's also undermines constantly and inserts herself in child rearing situations. If I gently say "I've got this.", she starts crying hysterically that she can't do anything right. I know she won't change but I'm starting to feel like I need to set some boundaries

"I'm asking you to stay out the way I handle Larla. If you can't accept that, then you need to leave."

[Anonymous]

Is she allergic to cats or dogs? If so, get a few. Start working on your excuse list to limit visits. You've got to work with your husband as a united front to set any boundaries.

I highly recommend the book "Boundaries" to help learn good ways to handle boundary crushers. (It has some Christian references, but they're easily ignored if that's not your thing.)

Make your list of things she has problems going along with. Any time she goes overboard in her reactions, just walk away and do not react or engage. It's HER problem how she feels, not yours. If she has a crying fit, you have to walk away with your child, and you can say, "Grandma needs some time out right now to calm down."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's also undermines constantly and inserts herself in child rearing situations. If I gently say "I've got this.", she starts crying hysterically that she can't do anything right. I know she won't change but I'm starting to feel like I need to set some boundaries

"I'm asking you to stay out the way I handle Larla. If you can't accept that, then you need to leave."

Way too aggressive.

Her tears are her problem. Don't interact with her while she's crying.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I think I'm going to download Boundries tonight. I appreciate the advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're upset about the UPS joke, I'm not willing to put all of this on your MIL. Your house, your boundaries, but I'd look at whether hypersensitivity on your part is contributing to the problem. You may just be different kinds of people and that's ok, but it doesn't make your MIL a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

I am THE best MIL. I never visit or call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you're upset about the UPS joke, I'm not willing to put all of this on your MIL. Your house, your boundaries, but I'd look at whether hypersensitivity on your part is contributing to the problem. You may just be different kinds of people and that's ok, but it doesn't make your MIL a terrible person.

I can accept that. It was a sensitive time so I probably wasn't in my best frame of mind. I am also the OP who's MIL recorded her baby's funeral and this was said while he was on serious life support and not expected to come out of it (he did that time). So pretty much any dumb jokes she made this past year was too much. I'm trying to get past this and establish boundaries for my own sanity. It will be several months before they come to stay again.

[Anonymous]

The mistake you made was allowing this woman in your house and not holding her accountable for her behavior at the start.

And frankly, that's your DH's job.

If you truly want a change, get him to call her or tell her face to face that only x number of visits are going to work for you guys and she needs to back off on the child rearing advice.

My DH had to do this (believe me, mine was WAY worse) and she backed off, to her credit. And she behaves a lot better now and I can tell you this - she treats me with respect in my house and hers and would not dare do otherwise I think.