2nd grade DD worried about parents dying during school day - how to reassure?

[Anonymous]

Clearly we don't have control over what happens to our lives but how can we make her feel safe at school knowing we are ok? She's just starting to comprehend that life isn't permanent after the loss of her dear friend's grandmother.

She doesn't have a cell phone so texting her midday isn't an option. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

Is this a recurrent fear? If so you need to talk to an OCD specialist.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT feel the need to contact her midday, that is totally giving in to an irrational fear and this will only make her anticipate and fear the worst if you missed a call.

[Anonymous]

Tell her the most important thing we can do is treat people well and appreciate them while they're on earth. Dying is a part of living. Focus on your teacher and learning and school friends - what if they die while you're home appreciating that we didn't die during the day?

[Anonymous]

Mention it to your child's teacher. But no, you cannot call or text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT feel the need to contact her midday, that is totally giving in to an irrational fear and this will only make her anticipate and fear the worst if you missed a call.

Totally agree. Calling or texting a 2nd grader every day mid-day to say "Still alive, Love you!" is completely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Literally just read a story about how Emma Stone did the same thing as a child - she had pretty bad anxiety. I'd see someone about it.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that her school has your emergency contact list so that if anything ever happened to both you and her dad at the same time (which is highly unlikely) they would call Grandma, or the neighbor, or Aunt Larla or whoever is on your list. Let her know there will always be someone she knows to take care of her and that you are not planning on going anywhere any time soon. Then change the subject to something mundane.

[Anonymous]

OP, please talk to her school counselor ASAP. Do it without your DD there, so you can fully express what's going on, which you don't want to do in front of her. Then the counselor might want to see you together with DD, or may choose to talk to DD one on one without you; work it out.

If the counselor says he or she will see you next week or whatever, please, emphasize that this is a problem happening right now and you'd like to come in or talk by phone tomorrow, rather than waiting.

A good counselor will know how to handle this. Teachers can help too, and do notify the teacher, but counselors often deal with kids who have had deaths in the family or who have fears like these. You do have a specific thing to tie this to -- the death of the friend's grandmother -- and that will help the counselor talk to your DD. Maybe the grandmother was elderly or ill, for instance, and even if she was not, the counselor should be able to help you talk about this.

The counselor is there for you and your spouse, too. Ask for some specific things to say to your DD when she expresses these fears.

Also don't discount the effectiveness of distraction and redirection; she's too old to distract easily from such an intense fear, but you can reassure her then offer something to do that you know she likes.

This will pass with time. It is a pretty normal fear though she sounds more intense right now than some kids would be, in her shoes. But I would not leap to an assumption like possible OCD as someone posted earlier, if this is the first and only time this has happened. And it's rational, to your DD's mind, to have this fear -- after all, a real person whom she really knew (or knew of) actually did die (was it during the school day, OP, and the other child's family told the child something like "It happened while you were at school..."?). Don't dismiss the fear at all, but acknowledge it, and then work with the counselor on showing DD why it's not likely.

And hug her a lot for no particular reason.

[Anonymous]

Not to freak you out, but please bring this up with your ped and try to get a psych referral. This is a huge red flag with regards to anxiety issues, and if your DD has them, the sooner she gets into treatment the better. You want her to develop coping mechanisms before her developing brain spends too much time trapped in anxious thought cycles. This is not something to wait and see on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the most important thing we can do is treat people well and appreciate them while they're on earth. Dying is a part of living. Focus on your teacher and learning and school friends - what if they die while you're home appreciating that we didn't die during the day?

Please don't tell her what is in bold above! It will make her fearful that not only her parents but her friends and teacher might die when she's not with THEM. Stick to the issue at hand and don't make it worse by introducing this idea.

[Anonymous]

I was like this around that age. I think a lot of my fear had to do with only having a single mom and being scared of where I would go. I found comfort in discussing where I would live if my mom died. Morbid I know. Oh and I went therapy for separation anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly we don't have control over what happens to our lives but how can we make her feel safe at school knowing we are ok? She's just starting to comprehend that life isn't permanent after the loss of her dear friend's grandmother.

She doesn't have a cell phone so texting her midday isn't an option. Any ideas?

I'd try ridicule.

"That's ridiculous, Larla. Dad and I are not going to die today. Don't be so dramatic."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly we don't have control over what happens to our lives but how can we make her feel safe at school knowing we are ok? She's just starting to comprehend that life isn't permanent after the loss of her dear friend's grandmother.

She doesn't have a cell phone so texting her midday isn't an option. Any ideas?

I'd try ridicule.

"That's ridiculous, Larla. Dad and I are not going to die today. Don't be so dramatic."

Wow.

[Anonymous]

My child has anxiety and has lots of irrational fears. He is afraid of car trips, because we may wreck or a tornado might come, or a volcano might erupt (when there are none). We have seen a psychiatrist. While I recommend you do the same, I will also share some things you can try.

Talk to your child about worries, and how sometimes the brain can play tricks on you. We call it the worry brain. The worry brain gives your bad signals and confuses possibility with probability. So, while you cannot promise your child that you will not die, you can explain how very, very, very rare is for someone to die for no reason. Remind your child that they have gone to school and nothing bad has happened and that there is no reason that the next day will not be the same. The best thing you can do, is never let your child skip school due to this fear. You should also talk to the teacher, in case the anxiety manifests itself at school. Although if your child is like ours, they hide it during the school day and the teachers always think we are nuts : ) I would not attempt to call or text because that is giving her fear more merit. You need to acknowledge she feels what she does, but that her brain is tricking her.

You may really want to buys some books that are designed for children on anxiety. My son almost felt relieved to read a book that acknowledged he wasn't the only person in the world to think bad thoughts. It also helped him open up to us and talk about all of his anxieties (we had no idea). It will seem at first like your child is getting worse, but in reality it is just them being open.

Again, I suggest a psychiatrist. For some reason, I was terrified of this, but it was actually good for parents as well. Ours spent most of the time talking to us as parents and providing us with tools we could use to address specific anxieties. They can also help you figure out if this is just a sign of general anxiety or something else.