was I unreasonable (re FIL and ASD child)
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Anonymous
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ASD DD and NT DS have been bickering all day. Nothing bad, just typical sibling stuff -- younger brother would do something annoying (but harmless) and DD would over-react. It got bad enough this morning that we had to leave what we were planning on doing. We got home, separated them, everyone calmed down. It was much better and DS had stopped doing the annoying thing. Then FIL audibly whispered to DS that he should resume doing the annoying thing. Of course he did and DD burst into tears.
I got angry at FIL for encouraging DS to annoy DD. He got angry at me for interfering in his having fun with his grandson. I suggested they go to another room to have fun together, but FIL said he no longer felt in a fun mood. I don't want to interfere with his relationship with DS -- and in another house, with another sister, the thing they were doing wouldn't be bad. And DD does over-react. But I don't think the adults in her life should be part of the problem. (In case it matters, we don't celebrate Christmas, so excitement/anxiety over Christmas isn't part of the issue) |
Anonymous
| FIL is an asshole so who cares what he thinks? |
Anonymous
This x 1000. |
Anonymous
| No you were not unreasonable. It is never ok to irritate someone intentionally and that is what your FIL was encouraging. It's not funny and it's not ok for your DS to think it's funny. Even if it would be funny in a different family or under different circumstances, that is not his reality. Your FIL was a jerk. |
Anonymous
| FIL is a big jerk, or just doesn't understand ASD. We have to impose all kinds of rules (like NT sibling should not touch ASD sibling's special toys because there will be a huge meltdown and fight) to keep peace. Sure it's not fair and limits NT kid's fun sometimes, but adults should understand and help keep the peace. Let FIL sulk and have his tantrum. Sorry you have to deal with his immaturity. |
Anonymous
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Gramps thought he was being funny--he wasn't. Teasing isn't funny. When your kids aren't around, calmly explain this to him. It's important we model behavior we want in our kids.
It probably wouldn't matter if your kids were NT or SN, siblings can't grate on one another and they all have they're breaking points. I could see the same outcome between two NT kids. |
Anonymous
X2,000 |
Anonymous
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Both of my children are NT and I would find that FIL behavior completely unacceptable. Who seeks to drive wedges between siblings? Assholes. |
Anonymous
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Good for you for saying something. |
Anonymous
| Yes, I think your FIL was being inappropriate. He probably does not understand ASD very well, lacks empathy, and was annoyed by your DD's overreaction. He was using your son to retaliate and playing the victim when you became angry, which is incredibly asshole behavior. |
Anonymous
| I have an ASD kid and an NT sib and I totally get the feeling of walking on egg shells sometimes because the kid with ASD overreacts. That said FIL is teaching a really bad lesson! ASD or not why the F would you teach a kid to deliberately push someone else's buttons. That's just encouraging obnoxious behavior. There are plenty of other ways to have fun with your grandkids. I get this totally because my parents do things that rile our kids up and make my ASD kid spin out of control. When I ask them to please help us by not giving him gobs of sugar, skipping down time and hyping him up by giving him unlimited screen time and taking him to loud busy places, they say we're also spoiling the fun. Its hard OP because you know your kid best but they probably have an idea of what gramdparents 'do' that doesn't mesh well with your family's needs or values. You did fine. He's just being a grump. |
Anonymous
| OP here. And now FIL just stomped off because DD wouldn't immediately share a new Hannukah present (a one person game) with him. It's like he's 5 years old. |
Anonymous
Yes, he sounds like an immature asshole. End him. |
Anonymous
Oh, for pity sake people--he's an immature adult. Have people been hitting the sauce hard this holiday season? OP, he's still your FIL and their grandfather OP. Yes, he's in the wrong and immature. That doesn't make him an a-hole. Get over it. You'll catch more flies with honey. |
Anonymous
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This sounds so annoying. I'd be mad too. People who don't live it day to day have no idea what it takes to just maintain a peaceful equilibrium in the house. Hope the rest of your holiday goes better. And hope your file comes around, or that when things are calmer you can help him understand. Not that it's your job, but that's just how it ends up.
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