Coming to terms with the fact that my mother is a horrible person

[Anonymous]

Growing up my mom was addicted to pain pills. She never left the house and would control my life from her bedroom. She would get on the computer and chat with friends, pretending to me. she would force me to talk on the phone beside her and write down what I was supposed to say, she would call coaches and complain even thought she never went to any of my games. She would ground me if I didn't go to the tanning bed, would tell me I wasn't pretty/thin enough my whole life. When she wasn't doing those things she just slept all the time, never cooked a meal or played a board gam. It's all very messed up.

Today she is sober and unfortunately is still a bad person. I always had hopes that once she got off the pills things would be better but she's still the same person. I'm still not pretty enough and tells me I don't take pride in my looks. Tells me my daughter looks like a poor kid because she won't keep bows in her hair. If I come to her with a problem she will say it's because our souls aren't right with the lord. She obsesses over every thing a post on fb and will call me if she doesn't like something I wrote or a picture I took. She told me just this week she hoped I would have turned out better than I did.

How do I come to terms with the only mother I'll ever have just isn't a good one. I've told her how I feel and she starts cryin saying I don't appreciate her and everything she's done for me(not sure what that is) and when I don't play into that she gets angry and says that's just who she is and she can't change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my mom was addicted to pain pills. She never left the house and would control my life from her bedroom. She would get on the computer and chat with friends, pretending to me. she would force me to talk on the phone beside her and write down what I was supposed to say, she would call coaches and complain even thought she never went to any of my games. She would ground me if I didn't go to the tanning bed, would tell me I wasn't pretty/thin enough my whole life. When she wasn't doing those things she just slept all the time, never cooked a meal or played a board gam. It's all very messed up.

Today she is sober and unfortunately is still a bad person. I always had hopes that once she got off the pills things would be better but she's still the same person. I'm still not pretty enough and tells me I don't take pride in my looks. Tells me my daughter looks like a poor kid because she won't keep bows in her hair. If I come to her with a problem she will say it's because our souls aren't right with the lord. She obsesses over every thing a post on fb and will call me if she doesn't like something I wrote or a picture I took. She told me just this week she hoped I would have turned out better than I did.

How do I come to terms with the only mother I'll ever have just isn't a good one. I've told her how I feel and she starts cryin saying I don't appreciate her and everything she's done for me(not sure what that is) and when I don't play into that she gets angry and says that's just who she is and she can't change.

I'm sorry OP that you heard that from a parent. And I'm sorry, I really am that you grew up with such a fxxked up parent. Be very, very careful that you do not repeat her mistakes. I have to work every single day to not be my own mother, its not easy, but it can be done.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. I don't think there is any reason for you to stay connected to her. I think you need to disengage, especially so that she doesn't harm your child or your relationship with your child, directly or indirectly.

I think it would be best for you to cut ties with her, but to do your best to forgive her and wish her well from afar.

[Anonymous]

If you're not in therapy, get there now. You need to make a plan to disengage, starting with things like Facebook and visits and calls. And you need to learn how to erase the "tapes" in your head that hold the messages you heard growing up.

We get 2 chances at this parent/child relationship. Your chance as a child was seriously messed up. But luckily you get another shot at it, only now as a parent. Don't mess it up. The healthiest way to do that would be to get into therapy and distance yourself from your mother. For your daughter's sake, you need to make this break.

[MikeL]

Anonymous wrote:If you're not in therapy, get there now. You need to make a plan to disengage, starting with things like Facebook and visits and calls. And you need to learn how to erase the "tapes" in your head that hold the messages you heard growing up.

We get 2 chances at this parent/child relationship. Your chance as a child was seriously messed up. But luckily you get another shot at it, only now as a parent. Don't mess it up. The healthiest way to do that would be to get into therapy and distance yourself from your mother. For your daughter's sake, you need to make this break.

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my mom was addicted to pain pills. She never left the house and would control my life from her bedroom. She would get on the computer and chat with friends, pretending to me. she would force me to talk on the phone beside her and write down what I was supposed to say, she would call coaches and complain even thought she never went to any of my games. She would ground me if I didn't go to the tanning bed, would tell me I wasn't pretty/thin enough my whole life. When she wasn't doing those things she just slept all the time, never cooked a meal or played a board gam. It's all very messed up.

Today she is sober and unfortunately is still a bad person. I always had hopes that once she got off the pills things would be better but she's still the same person. I'm still not pretty enough and tells me I don't take pride in my looks. Tells me my daughter looks like a poor kid because she won't keep bows in her hair. If I come to her with a problem she will say it's because our souls aren't right with the lord. She obsesses over every thing a post on fb and will call me if she doesn't like something I wrote or a picture I took. She told me just this week she hoped I would have turned out better than I did.

How do I come to terms with the only mother I'll ever have just isn't a good one. I've told her how I feel and she starts cryin saying I don't appreciate her and everything she's done for me(not sure what that is) and when I don't play into that she gets angry and says that's just who she is and she can't change.

How did you not say back to her" yeah I know exactly what you mean, I was really hoping you would turn out better once you were sober but that didn't happen. Oh well, I guess it's disappointment all around."

But seriously, yes, therapy can help. Rest assured it wasn't you. Your mom would have sucked at mothering any child she had. You could have been absolutely perfect and she still would have screwed up as a parent.

[Anonymous]

I"m so sorry OP. 19:37 gave you the best advice.

You should not bring problems to her. It sucks, but she's shown you who she really is. She's never going to give you support, so don't look for it from her.

Disengage and distance. Just create some healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've identified what makes it so hard: you will never have a good mother. Or even a mother who is a good person.

You seem to have held out hope that she would be different when she got sober. I'm sorry it didn't happen.

So now you have to say goodbye to that kind of hope. You can only preserve hope do yourself. There's only hope for you without her. She's a manipulator and a martyr. Block her on social media. Cut the cord.

You owe it to yourself and your family not to let this person anywhere near you or them.

[Anonymous]

You mother doesn't sound horrible to me. She has serious issues, and you'll be better off if you learn to empathize and not take her words personally. She probably had a tough life that made her that way. Few of us are capable of making deliberate choices to be the people we're not meant to be.

I agree that you may need therapy to learn to distance yourself and deal with this reality in a healthier way. Wallowing in sorrow for the 'good' mother you don't have is a no-go.

[Anonymous]

np: My mom competes with me for martyr points, and is not supportive. But she is very proud of me. We are barely on speaking terms, I've stopped calling her and she rarely calls. She's a prize compared to your mom, though, OP. I should try to make up with her...I started therapy this year, so maybe it'll happen at some point. Therapist says the goal should be to have short phone calls and short visits, since we're not even doing that currently.

[Anonymous]

Dont assume therapy will "fix" these relationships by making you one big happy family.

I went to therapy for a few years and am glad I did. It helped me understand a lot about my own issues and my mom's roll in them. As I became less of a doormat and established boundaries, my relationship with my mom "worsened."

I put that in quotation marks because she thinks it is worse but I think it is more adult. She's not really on board with me not taking her $hit.

[Anonymous]

Therapy will help you put things in perspective and also help you break the cycle of abuse. It's very hard to not treat our children as we were treated by our parents--it takes awareness and a conscious effort. Agree with others that you should work on acceptance of who she is and boundaries. What she says about you is a reflection on her, not you! Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up my mom was addicted to pain pills. She never left the house and would control my life from her bedroom. She would get on the computer and chat with friends, pretending to me. she would force me to talk on the phone beside her and write down what I was supposed to say, she would call coaches and complain even thought she never went to any of my games. She would ground me if I didn't go to the tanning bed, would tell me I wasn't pretty/thin enough my whole life. When she wasn't doing those things she just slept all the time, never cooked a meal or played a board gam. It's all very messed up.

Today she is sober and unfortunately is still a bad person. I always had hopes that once she got off the pills things would be better but she's still the same person. I'm still not pretty enough and tells me I don't take pride in my looks. Tells me my daughter looks like a poor kid because she won't keep bows in her hair. If I come to her with a problem she will say it's because our souls aren't right with the lord. She obsesses over every thing a post on fb and will call me if she doesn't like something I wrote or a picture I took. She told me just this week she hoped I would have turned out better than I did.

How do I come to terms with the only mother I'll ever have just isn't a good one. I've told her how I feel and she starts cryin saying I don't appreciate her and everything she's done for me(not sure what that is) and when I don't play into that she gets angry and says that's just who she is and she can't change.

True story: my mother od'd on Oxycontin. I rushed her to the ER and called my brother because she did not look good. They hit her with some Narcan and she threw up and then woke up a bit. She then preceded to tell my brother that it was all his fault because he doesn't go to church and if he got right with the Lord these things wouldn't happen. After she sobered up some more, she and I had the biggest fight of my life. I was extremely upset that she almost died. She told me that I was persecuting her and that I lacked a sense of humor. Completely insane. (Apparently, I was supposed to laugh off the OD and not rush her to the hospital.) Completely insane.

Seriously, it's very hard to come to terms with your mother's dysfunction and her on-going abuse. (And she is still abusing you, even though she quit using.) I am still not sure that I have come to terms with my mother and she's been dead for six years. There's a saying in AA that if you sober up a drunken horsethief, all you end up with is a sober horsethief. She sounds like she has a personality disorder or mental health issues. Getting sober isn't going to fix that, unless she gets therapy and/or goes to a 12 step program and works a program. (Ie. She has to do all the steps and talk to the group about the process and get a sponsor. Just going isn't enough. )

You can't make her do anything. You can't make her the mother that you deserve to have. You can only work on your own stuff and take care of yourself. Therapy can help. Self-help books can be helpful. Toxic Parents, Walking on Eggshells, and Trapped in the Mirror were helpful for me. The book that helped me the most is a book called Zen of Recovery. Metta meditation helps with the sorrow and hurt that I feel over the relationship. I find that helping others helps me. I didn't find much useful in Al-Anon but other people do. There's a reddit group called Raised by Narcissists that helps some people.

Good luck. It's very difficult to take care of an abusive parent as they age. I am sorry. Nobody deserves to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dont assume therapy will "fix" these relationships by making you one big happy family.

I went to therapy for a few years and am glad I did. It helped me understand a lot about my own issues and my mom's roll in them. As I became less of a doormat and established boundaries, my relationship with my mom "worsened."

I put that in quotation marks because she thinks it is worse but I think it is more adult. She's not really on board with me not taking her $hit.

np: I asked my therapist if she thinks I should encourage my mom to go to therapy. She said, maybe not. My dad is a narcissist, so if my mom goes to therapy, she may become less satisfied in her own marriage, but there's no viable alternative at this point, and my dad isn't abusive, he's just selfish. I thought that was interesting, because I'd never expect a therapist not to recommend therapy!