Help, Christmas, desperate

[Anonymous]

My mother in law has a martyr complex but also (paradoxically) is bossy and always thinks she's right. She has zero introspection and zero personal boundaries. 5 years ago my father in law left her (now I get why) and since then she has glommed onto my kids, my family, my friends, my life. She has no interests or friend of her own and is totally taking over mine (constantly offers to help my brother's wife, joined my gym and my fitness group, goes to my hairdresser, totally took over my Pilates class and now I no longer go, calls my best friend nonstop- this summer we had a random period where my bff and I stopped speaking and I thought the friendship was over and behind my back, my MIL was calling her and inviting her over and telling her she'd "always be our family". She has a martyr thing going where she always offers to help so my brother and SIL think she's amazing but she does it to get gratitude- she has this thing where she always helps but makes sure everyone knows it so she gets praise etc. even when I don't want help and tell her she overrides me so that she gets that gratification. It makes me insane and after several years of feeling bad/ trying to help her the tides have turned and I now wish her serious harm. Like, I fantasize about getting into a physical fight with her and kicking her ass. I looooooooathe her. If we owned a gun I might try to shoot her. It's bad. But she's not going anywhere (unless I kill her hahahaha jk not jk ok ye jk but srsly). Help me. How the FUCK do i deal????

[Anonymous]

What is your question re: Christmas? You left that out......

[Anonymous]

OP- oh right- how do I not kill her over Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't this an episode of Frasier?

[doodlebug]

I read somewhere not too long ago that being a martyr like that is a form of narcissism. Maybe read up on that and see if there are any tips from knowledgeable sources that can give you some insight on the best way to deal with her.

[Anonymous]

OP- or- can I be hypnotized into enjoying her company, or how do I deal with a bossy martyr insane family member who buys my kids things I ask her not to for Christmas (candy, iPads, pleather jackets and jorts to start)

[Anonymous]

Op- It's quite possibly a form of narcissism- she literally lacks introspection to a degree I've never seen. She calls herself an "earth angel" who tries to help everyone she meets- meanwhile she ignores even my most basic requests for my family and does whatever the hell she wants. E.g.- my daughter is a super picky eater who only wants to eat sugar. We banned all sweets from the house in an effort to get her better eating habits. Have to trash several drop offs from mil- cinnamon rolls, sugar cookies etc. finally she comes over and says she bought a treat that even I will approve -- made of real baked fruit-- POP TARTS

[Anonymous]

Read the book, How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities.

Should be able to read it in 2 weeks...as you practice what you learn over the holidays!

Then come back and tell us how it went.

[Anonymous]

Woah, OP. Your pent-up resentment is spilling out of my computer screen!

I think you need therapy, honestly. For a few sessions, targeted on how to deal with this MIL-glomming problem, and how to manage it. You don't say how your husband deals with it, but perhaps he could go as well, so that you function as a united front.

In the meantime, since it's probably a tad late to get that first session in before she comes, don't share with her any information at all that she could use later as a way to enmesh further into your lives. Do your level best to steer conversation away from private topics, and if she sees what you're up to and complains, pretend to share then redirect. She doesn't need to know which yoga studio, doctor's office, kids' activities you go to now.

Pick your fights - there is one I would die on, and that is the sweets. I would have no problems saying to her face: "I'm sorry, DD will not eat those. You can take them back again otherwise we'll have to throw them out."

Otherwise, deflect, redirect, distract, and KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. It doesn't matter if she complains she doesn't see you anymore, and that you seem to be avoiding her, no one loves her, and it doesn't matter that she says that to all and sundry. What matter is seeing as little of her as possible for you to be pleasant when she come to visit.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband say/do? This has already gone way too far, IMO. It's intrusive and creepy (calling your friend, signing up for your classes, etc.) if you don't have that kind of relationship. Minimize the time you spend with her, and don't accept gifts for your kids that you don't want them to have.

[Anonymous]

Give her nothing to glom onto. Why does she even know where you work out/what class you took? "Where do you work out?" "Oh, I've just been jogging lately."

How does she even have the contact info of your best friend?

Here's the deal--you can't use her for help when you feel like it, and then resent the way she gives you that help. If you resent her bragging about watching the kids for three hours while you shop, don't let her watch the kids for three hours. You can either accept help and the "consequences" that come with it, or you can decline the help.

She can only be involved in your life if you let her. Don't let her/set some boundaries. My MIL would never ask for my friends' contact info, and if she did, I would ask why and "work around" the problem. But if your friend accepted a friend request from MIL on Facebook, then handed over her contact info? Well, then they have their own relationship, and you don't get to police it.

Be general with her. Be breezy, be vague. Don't take her up on her offers to help--the downside is, you don't get the help, but then she doesn't get to do the martyr/savior routine.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds just like mine. We figured out years ago that she's NPD all the way.

First, because she has no boundaries, you have to build super strong ones yourself. The fact that you've allowed her to encroach in so many ways tells me you have some trouble handling this. There's a wonderful book called Boundaries that you should read for future reference.

The ways you deal with an NPD person:

Build your boundaries! Hugely important. Learn to say no. Learn to handle the pushback.

Do not tell her anything. The less she knows, the harder it is for her to glomm onto things.

Do not give her attention. Don't engage. Many behaviors are just attention seeking. The way to starve an NPD person until they leave you alone is to have zero reaction to anything they do or say. Act pleasantly neutral and keep your focus on other things.

Limit what you accept from her as "help," and put in perspective what she does, so you don't get tangled in her martyrdom web of trying to put you in her debt.

Get your husband as your ally here. If he buys into all her stuff, you're on your own. He may need to do some reading (see sites I referred to later in this post) or even therapy to see her clearly and learn to handle the dynamic in a more healthy way. Or maybe he's already seeing it and backing you up?

Usually there will be a core group of people who believe her and stick up for her. She needs these people to feel okay about herself, and you will find them undermining whatever you do and feel that goes against her agenda.

Be prepared to face some over-the-top negative reactions from her any time you put up boundaries or refuse to engage in her NPD dynamic.

This site is interesting. https://narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/

There's another about being a daughter of an NPD mother, which has helpful tips for dealing with any NPD person in your life.

[Anonymous]

Op here- yes! Thank you!! I really needed people to sympathize with me- part of the problem is she has created this "helpful" persona so everyone who doesn't know her well thinks she's so great. FAAaack it's crazy making. That narcissistic mil website is AMAzing- just skimmed through it and immediately saw several points that resonate. One thing she does is tell lies and then alters reality in her brain to where she believes them! Even when you confront her with evidence to the contrary she still denies! And she really believes her own denials. I've never met a more delusional person. And I'm extremely grounded, self deprecating, sarcastic, so I just CANNOT even compute her behavior. Thanks for hearing me out and letting me know I'm not alone. And I promise, I won't shoot her over Christmas. Although I'll be imagining it in my head with great satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

And to everyone who says to limit info- I do, but she comes to kids events, calls my bff, calls my brother, calls my sil and so gets her info that way. My bff is finally beginning to see what a whack job she is but my brother thinks she's wonderful so he's always over the top nice and thankful which just feeds into the issue. Maybe I need to shoot him too. (Jk, jk, jk)

[Anonymous]

Not a single mention of your husband...how does he let all this happen and still expect you to spend holidays with her? That's the real craziness.