Bad relationship with my little sister that I want to fix

[Anonymous]

Has anyone here gone to therapy with a sibling and did it improve your relationship?

Growing up we were never close and fought all the time. We were very close for a few years during our high school and college years, but now we barely speak and hardly look at each other when we're in the same room.

I feel a lot of guilt when I think about our childhood. I was a mean older sister and treated her like shit a lot of the time. I took a lot of my insecurities and issues out her by constantly yelling st her or calling her names, etc. It hurts me to think about and I don't think me just apologizing to her will fix anything.

[Anonymous]

I'm a little sister, and I think apologizing to her would mean a lot. And I think reaching out in concrete ways would also mean a lot.

My sister was also sort of awful to me growing up. She had a difficult time as a teenager, for some reasons. I think she's actually now probably a great person, but we're just not close. She is the type that always has a lot of friends, and makes them easily, and we live far apart, so while she really is comfortable in her life with lots of friends, I would love for us to be closer, as I don't really have friends.

I sort of doubt therapy is necessary, unless there's some real deep stuff buried. I think all you probably need is a real sincere recognition that you know you made her life more difficult than it needed to be, that you are sorry for that, and that you'd like to try to be closer. Honestly, I can't imagine someone really holding your childhood behavior against you, if you're really committed to acting differently now. I think most of the time when adult siblings don't get along, its because they haven't really changed the dynamic from when they were kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little sister, and I think apologizing to her would mean a lot. And I think reaching out in concrete ways would also mean a lot.

My sister was also sort of awful to me growing up. She had a difficult time as a teenager, for some reasons. I think she's actually now probably a great person, but we're just not close. She is the type that always has a lot of friends, and makes them easily, and we live far apart, so while she really is comfortable in her life with lots of friends, I would love for us to be closer, as I don't really have friends.

I sort of doubt therapy is necessary, unless there's some real deep stuff buried. I think all you probably need is a real sincere recognition that you know you made her life more difficult than it needed to be, that you are sorry for that, and that you'd like to try to be closer. Honestly, I can't imagine someone really holding your childhood behavior against you, if you're really committed to acting differently now. I think most of the time when adult siblings don't get along, its because they haven't really changed the dynamic from when they were kids.

Thanks PP. I appreciate your response, it's good to get thy perspective. Definitely agree about the dynamic of adult siblings.

I think I was emotionally and mentally abusive to her though, which is what really upsets to me to think about. It hurts me to remember and think about the things I said and way I said it. I'm sure she was scared of me. I just hope she didn't let it affect her as she got older

[Anonymous]

I have a mean older sister who has been mean for 50 years. If she suddenly changed her tune, it would not make a difference to me. Too much water under the bridge. I finally became estranged from her a year ago. It is better that way.

I think it depends how long you were mean.

[Anonymous]

I'd leave your sister alone. It's not about you - who cares that it hurts you to know that you hurt her? You can get therapy on your own, but if your sister doesn't want a relationship with you, disrespecting the boundaries she's set forth for herself at this point in life, is well... completely disrespecting her further. It sounds like she's had enough of that.

I had a brother like you, whom I am estranged from. The relationship is irreparably damaged. The fact that he still emails me/texts sometimes is proof that he has no regard for the boundaries I've put in place, and he knows I want nothing to do with him. I've blocked him - but I still get the group replies.

Stop thinking about yourself. For once, think about your sister - what would she want? If she doesn't want anything to do with you, then respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave your sister alone. It's not about you - who cares that it hurts you to know that you hurt her? You can get therapy on your own, but if your sister doesn't want a relationship with you, disrespecting the boundaries she's set forth for herself at this point in life, is well... completely disrespecting her further. It sounds like she's had enough of that.

I had a brother like you, whom I am estranged from. The relationship is irreparably damaged. The fact that he still emails me/texts sometimes is proof that he has no regard for the boundaries I've put in place, and he knows I want nothing to do with him. I've blocked him - but I still get the group replies.

Stop thinking about yourself. For once, think about your sister - what would she want? If she doesn't want anything to do with you, then respect that.

I think yu are projecting a bit. OP didn't say she and her sister were estranged, her sister has not cut her off, they are just not close. It's admirable for OP to think about how she can repair any damage she may have caused to her sister. If her sisters says she wants no contact and OP violates thhat, then it's a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave your sister alone. It's not about you - who cares that it hurts you to know that you hurt her? You can get therapy on your own, but if your sister doesn't want a relationship with you, disrespecting the boundaries she's set forth for herself at this point in life, is well... completely disrespecting her further. It sounds like she's had enough of that.

I had a brother like you, whom I am estranged from. The relationship is irreparably damaged. The fact that he still emails me/texts sometimes is proof that he has no regard for the boundaries I've put in place, and he knows I want nothing to do with him. I've blocked him - but I still get the group replies.

Stop thinking about yourself. For once, think about your sister - what would she want? If she doesn't want anything to do with you, then respect that.

I think yu are projecting a bit. OP didn't say she and her sister were estranged, her sister has not cut her off, they are just not close. It's admirable for OP to think about how she can repair any damage she may have caused to her sister. If her sisters says she wants no contact and OP violates thhat, then it's a different story.

"but now we barely speak and hardly look at each other when we're in the same room."

That sounds like estrangement to me, or perhaps slight social graces when in the company of others. At the very least, it's obvious that OP's sister isn't interested in more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave your sister alone. It's not about you - who cares that it hurts you to know that you hurt her? You can get therapy on your own, but if your sister doesn't want a relationship with you, disrespecting the boundaries she's set forth for herself at this point in life, is well... completely disrespecting her further. It sounds like she's had enough of that.

I had a brother like you, whom I am estranged from. The relationship is irreparably damaged. The fact that he still emails me/texts sometimes is proof that he has no regard for the boundaries I've put in place, and he knows I want nothing to do with him. I've blocked him - but I still get the group replies.

Stop thinking about yourself. For once, think about your sister - what would she want? If she doesn't want anything to do with you, then respect that.

I think yu are projecting a bit. OP didn't say she and her sister were estranged, her sister has not cut her off, they are just not close. It's admirable for OP to think about how she can repair any damage she may have caused to her sister. If her sisters says she wants no contact and OP violates thhat, then it's a different story.

"but now we barely speak and hardly look at each other when we're in the same room."

That sounds like estrangement to me, or perhaps slight social graces when in the company of others. At the very least, it's obvious that OP's sister isn't interested in more.

An apology could work wonders here. Never apologizing for bad behavior because you just assume the other person won't care or doesn't want to hear it isn't the answer. An apology or broaching a subject isn't disrespecting a boundary. If the sister isn't receptive, then it's done.

[Anonymous]

I am a younger sister and the sibling 1 year above me was mean and cruel.

He has lots of issues and he was jealous of me... come to find out 30 years later... even though he was smarter, better looking, more athletic... hidden anxiety and depression.

I would appreciate a mediated apology.

He is trying, he actually sent me a Xmas gift for the 1st time ever in our whole lives. He told me he knows that he sucks as a brother. It was worth hearing.

[Anonymous]

I have an older teen boy and he is awful to his 2 years younger sister. I hope that you can improve your relationship so that I can have hope for my kids one day getting along better. It all started the same way, around 11 years old my DS started being really mean and rude to her. I kept correcting and she worshiped the ground he walked on. He has anxieties, but still, no excuse. Well, she is a whip smart girl and after a couple fo years she gave up and it escalated. I am told this happens to many siblings close in age. I didn't know how to deal with it as my younger sister and I get along great, and never had huge issues. Yesterday, my DS told me that now it would be too awkward to drive his sister and her friends(all good looking girls, remember they are teens) and try to be nice, after everything he said to her and how bad he treats her. I hope that this might mean he realizes his mistake and that things might improve. Give us an update in a few months, if for no other reason but to give me hope that there might be a way for my own kids to repair their relationship in the future. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I was a mean older sister and I try to fix things now at holiday celebrations. But then she gets me going again. I've never met someone I didn't get along with as much as my sister. I'm very easy going. We're like oil and water.

I actually blame my parents a lot more for my sister and I's disagreements than I blame her. We were 10 years apart and everything was absolutely different in our childhoods. I did so many chores and even my parents acknowledge that I did 90% of the household work (that's being generous). They said it made me a better person and they didn't try to get her to do any chores because she was so difficult. They constantly told me that life isn't fair when I was growing up. I agree that life isn't fair, but we should have been treated equally. I learned last month that they're paying for her grad school and I went and cried in my car. I so wanted to go to grad school but couldn't make the finances work and it's been a big regret.

[Anonymous]

I'm a middle child, who now has a pretty good relationship with my sisters. Like others, I doubt therapy is necessary or even desirable.

One of my older sisters was really incredibly horrible in high school. She apologized to me when we were both away at college. I think I pissily blew it off at the time. But it actually was a good starting point for a relationship that built from then. She's my first call these days when i have parenting questions! And for jawing about men and babies in general. A sincere apology, reaching out, trying not to fall into old patterns when you're both at home, etc. And if she says she's not interested, express regret, respect her wishes and maybe try again if she seems more amenable in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a mean older sister and I try to fix things now at holiday celebrations. But then she gets me going again. I've never met someone I didn't get along with as much as my sister. I'm very easy going. We're like oil and water.

I actually blame my parents a lot more for my sister and I's disagreements than I blame her. We were 10 years apart and everything was absolutely different in our childhoods. I did so many chores and even my parents acknowledge that I did 90% of the household work (that's being generous). They said it made me a better person and they didn't try to get her to do any chores because she was so difficult. They constantly told me that life isn't fair when I was growing up. I agree that life isn't fair, but we should have been treated equally. I learned last month that they're paying for her grad school and I went and cried in my car. I so wanted to go to grad school but couldn't make the finances work and it's been a big regret.

So when you were 15 and she was 5, you did more housework?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a mean older sister and I try to fix things now at holiday celebrations. But then she gets me going again. I've never met someone I didn't get along with as much as my sister. I'm very easy going. We're like oil and water.

I actually blame my parents a lot more for my sister and I's disagreements than I blame her. We were 10 years apart and everything was absolutely different in our childhoods. I did so many chores and even my parents acknowledge that I did 90% of the household work (that's being generous). They said it made me a better person and they didn't try to get her to do any chores because she was so difficult. They constantly told me that life isn't fair when I was growing up. I agree that life isn't fair, but we should have been treated equally. I learned last month that they're paying for her grad school and I went and cried in my car. I so wanted to go to grad school but couldn't make the finances work and it's been a big regret.

So when you were 15 and she was 5, you did more housework?

I lived there throughout college. So yes a 12 year old can do chores. She was 10 grades younger but more like 9.5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a mean older sister and I try to fix things now at holiday celebrations. But then she gets me going again. I've never met someone I didn't get along with as much as my sister. I'm very easy going. We're like oil and water.

I actually blame my parents a lot more for my sister and I's disagreements than I blame her. We were 10 years apart and everything was absolutely different in our childhoods. I did so many chores and even my parents acknowledge that I did 90% of the household work (that's being generous). They said it made me a better person and they didn't try to get her to do any chores because she was so difficult. They constantly told me that life isn't fair when I was growing up. I agree that life isn't fair, but we should have been treated equally. I learned last month that they're paying for her grad school and I went and cried in my car. I so wanted to go to grad school but couldn't make the finances work and it's been a big regret.

So when you were 15 and she was 5, you did more housework?

I lived there throughout college. So yes a 12 year old can do chores. She was 10 grades younger but more like 9.5 years.

Oh and we're all adults now and I'm in my 30s. After a big holiday meal, she will go upstairs and leave all the dishes to us.