Bad relationship with my little sister that I want to fix

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a mean older sister and I try to fix things now at holiday celebrations. But then she gets me going again. I've never met someone I didn't get along with as much as my sister. I'm very easy going. We're like oil and water.

I actually blame my parents a lot more for my sister and I's disagreements than I blame her. We were 10 years apart and everything was absolutely different in our childhoods. I did so many chores and even my parents acknowledge that I did 90% of the household work (that's being generous). They said it made me a better person and they didn't try to get her to do any chores because she was so difficult. They constantly told me that life isn't fair when I was growing up. I agree that life isn't fair, but we should have been treated equally. I learned last month that they're paying for her grad school and I went and cried in my car. I so wanted to go to grad school but couldn't make the finances work and it's been a big regret.

So when you were 15 and she was 5, you did more housework?

I lived there throughout college. So yes a 12 year old can do chores. She was 10 grades younger but more like 9.5 years.

You don't get it... so when you were 22 and she was 12 you did more. That is normal.

Now if you said when you were 12 you had to do XYZ and when she was 12 she only did X.

Birth order matters... your 12 yo self was not living with a 22 yo family member that should help out.

You need to let it go. Life is not equal. The oldest has parents that are trying too hard, have less money and make lots of mistakes. The youngest has parents that are more laid back, have more money and don't worry about mistakes.

[Anonymous]

I feel a lot of guilt when I think about our childhood

You apologize. Have a moment. Take her to lunch or visit her - and have the point of it - to say that you are sorry. It can be a general apology, but don't make the conversation be about anything else. Then you have to be very very patient. Be appreciative of any small improvements in the relationship. Don't make this about you and your feelings (again... that's just selfish in a different way)

[Anonymous]

Op -- - Your first post you had remorse. You were humble. Your second post you added info e: a different view entirely, more of a victim. I give up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a mean older sister and I try to fix things now at holiday celebrations. But then she gets me going again. I've never met someone I didn't get along with as much as my sister. I'm very easy going. We're like oil and water.

I actually blame my parents a lot more for my sister and I's disagreements than I blame her. We were 10 years apart and everything was absolutely different in our childhoods. I did so many chores and even my parents acknowledge that I did 90% of the household work (that's being generous). They said it made me a better person and they didn't try to get her to do any chores because she was so difficult. They constantly told me that life isn't fair when I was growing up. I agree that life isn't fair, but we should have been treated equally. I learned last month that they're paying for her grad school and I went and cried in my car. I so wanted to go to grad school but couldn't make the finances work and it's been a big regret.

Sounds like you have crappy parents, but it would blow your worldview apart if you really acknowledged that. So you blame everything on your sister, who you started to resent when she was a CHILD. All of the things you talk about, in this discussion of mean sibling behavior, are things your parents did. I think you resent her for being born. If she doesn't do the dishes at holiday gatherings, so what? Why do you? Stop volunteering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op -- - Your first post you had remorse. You were humble. Your second post you added info e: a different view entirely, more of a victim. I give up

Uh no. Second post is still remoseful.

[Anonymous]

Here's a start--stop calling an adult in her 30s your "little sister." She's your peer, your equal. She is your SISTER.

[Anonymous]

Got along with my sibling as a child. Not so much as adults. We are cordial when we have to be, otherwise we don't reach out to each other. Apologize and see where that gets you. Just don't be surprised if it lasts for a short while and then things are back to where they were. I know I sound so pessimistic but I've seen that happen many times with many people. Isn't the saying "you can choose your friends but not your family"? Good luck either way!

[Anonymous]

Oh....OP you are my older sister except we are 9 years apart.

I don't like you and I don't want to be close or in contact with you. Just because we are family doesn't mean I have to like you. I don't wish you ill but I wish you would leave me alone.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

OP here. We're in our early twenties. Not thirties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd leave your sister alone. It's not about you - who cares that it hurts you to know that you hurt her? You can get therapy on your own, but if your sister doesn't want a relationship with you, disrespecting the boundaries she's set forth for herself at this point in life, is well... completely disrespecting her further. It sounds like she's had enough of that.

I had a brother like you, whom I am estranged from. The relationship is irreparably damaged. The fact that he still emails me/texts sometimes is proof that he has no regard for the boundaries I've put in place, and he knows I want nothing to do with him. I've blocked him - but I still get the group replies.

Stop thinking about yourself. For once, think about your sister - what would she want? If she doesn't want anything to do with you, then respect that.

I think yu are projecting a bit. OP didn't say she and her sister were estranged, her sister has not cut her off, they are just not close. It's admirable for OP to think about how she can repair any damage she may have caused to her sister. If her sisters says she wants no contact and OP violates thhat, then it's a different story.

"but now we barely speak and hardly look at each other when we're in the same room."

That sounds like estrangement to me, or perhaps slight social graces when in the company of others. At the very least, it's obvious that OP's sister isn't interested in more.

New poster -- I also think you are projecting here. This isn't estrangement. It's lack of closeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a mean older sister and I try to fix things now at holiday celebrations. But then she gets me going again. I've never met someone I didn't get along with as much as my sister. I'm very easy going. We're like oil and water.

I actually blame my parents a lot more for my sister and I's disagreements than I blame her. We were 10 years apart and everything was absolutely different in our childhoods. I did so many chores and even my parents acknowledge that I did 90% of the household work (that's being generous). They said it made me a better person and they didn't try to get her to do any chores because she was so difficult. They constantly told me that life isn't fair when I was growing up. I agree that life isn't fair, but we should have been treated equally. I learned last month that they're paying for her grad school and I went and cried in my car. I so wanted to go to grad school but couldn't make the finances work and it's been a big regret.

So when you were 15 and she was 5, you did more housework?

I lived there throughout college. So yes a 12 year old can do chores. She was 10 grades younger but more like 9.5 years.

You don't get it... so when you were 22 and she was 12 you did more. That is normal.

Now if you said when you were 12 you had to do XYZ and when she was 12 she only did X.

Birth order matters... your 12 yo self was not living with a 22 yo family member that should help out.

You need to let it go. Life is not equal. The oldest has parents that are trying too hard, have less money and make lots of mistakes. The youngest has parents that are more laid back, have more money and don't worry about mistakes.

She is saying that at the same age, she had to do much more work. Sounds like that's still true, since Little Larla drifts off after holiday dinner and everyone else is supposed to clean up.

PP, that's sad about graduate school. I agree that birth order probably is a big factor, but it must still sting.
OP, reach out and apologize. You have nothing to lose. Then try to be in contact in small ways and build from there, really focusing on her.

[Anonymous]

Just curious if anyone knows some stats...but it'd be interesting to know if there were any studies done to see what percentage of adult siblings do not like each other and/or don't get along. I haven't spoken to my sibling in 2 years and I know quite a few siblings who also don't get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone here gone to therapy with a sibling and did it improve your relationship?

Growing up we were never close and fought all the time. We were very close for a few years during our high school and college years, but now we barely speak and hardly look at each other when we're in the same room.

I feel a lot of guilt when I think about our childhood. I was a mean older sister and treated her like shit a lot of the time. I took a lot of my insecurities and issues out her by constantly yelling st her or calling her names, etc. It hurts me to think about and I don't think me just apologizing to her will fix anything.

I would love it if my sister apologized. She was such a jerk in the family (not necessarily to me), but the family dynamic really suffered. When I called her out on this I got called a few good names and told to die (this was like when she was 35). I would apologize first and see where it goes. I would definitely appreciate an apology from my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We're in our early twenties. Not thirties

New poster here. If you're both in early 20s then it's not you, OP, posting above about the relationship where the sisters were a decade apart in age. Some PPs are responding as if that is you, the OP, but it seems to be someone else. Is that right?

Anyway, OP, you are doing the right thing. Do it -- apologize and say you want to start working on a better relationship, and you know it will be slow, and you don't expect her to jump for joy and be your BFF instantly.

OP, say to her what you said to us in the original post. You have your starting words right there. Tell her that you know you treated her very badly and take responsibility for that.If your parents were a reason for the dysfunction, well, don't bring that up; it may be an explanation for your behavior but it's not an excuse. She will hear anything like "But mom and dad made us both feel..." as you making excuses. I can tell you don't want to make excuses, which is to your great credit. Never let the word "but" enter your apology because that's a signal that the person apologizing is about to make an excuse.

Tell her when it's just the two of you. I agree with the PP who mentioned seeing her alone just to make this apology. You don't need to do this on the side at a holiday gathering or at your parents' house over Christmas, or at auntie's New Year's party; that would be too fraught with holiday emotions and people possibly interrupting.

I'd invite her somewhere neutral -- not your own home, not hers, someplace where she can walk away if she gets upset and for an outing that has a definite ending time, like going out for coffee. And script out, even on paper, what you want to say. Don't read it to her but do figure out in advance what you'll say, and then be quiet! Listen to her. If she pours out anger, be ready for that and ready to respond with only things like "I understand. I see how you feel that way and I recognize that I was a shit to you and I am sorry."

She may fly off into details of the time you did X or said Y, but don't, yourself, get into details in return. If she brings up the time long ago when you did X or said Y, let her vent it, but don't respond with "I know I was crappy when I did X and I'm sorry but that week my boyfriend dumped me/I had a horrible exam/I was angry at mom and dad, not really at you...." Just don't go there even if your gut wants to do it. It's defensive and you need to just restrain that impulse and let her own her anger at you, if that's where this goes.

You have to be calm but also let her see you're sincere and able to take it if she needs to vent about the old you. Ask her at the end if she's willing to just spend a little time with you, after the holidays are over, to find out what you both still have in common. As adults you might find that you have some common interests that can help you get to know each other AS adults, and not as the teens you once were. You're ready to move on and I hope she can move on too, but she does get to vent her emotions if you apologize.

You can do this, OP. It's the adult, mature thing to do, and I hope you come back on this thread and tell us how it went.

[Anonymous]

Being adults now, it doesn't really matter. Do your own things, especially if your parents (who set up the situation) are still reinforcing things the way they always have.

If you can name concrete examples and apologize to your sister and be willing to SAY NOTHING in person other than apologize (not start another fight) when she finally speaks up and rails against you, do it. If you don't think you can, write it in a letter.

You may never be friendly, friends or close but you will have closure if you are able to both apologize.