I think my husband has a drinking problem

[Anonymous]

I have tried talking to him about it before. I asked him just pick two nights not to drink as a start bc I was getting so much pushback. Now, he acts like it is a big deal that he doesn't drink for those two nights and gets mad at me if I ask him to hold off on another evening. I don't know what to do. It's like he is upset us with alcohol. Perhaps we go out to dinner at each have a glass of wine. That is fine but that is not the end. He will come home and continue to drink more and more.

Lately, he has started to be rather nasty to me after he had been drinking. He has been saying a lot of hurtful things, and it's really bad for our relationship. Of course, that impacts my interest in being intimate with him. That in turn, make him say more nasty things to me. It is a vicious cycle right now.

My kids have started saying daddy seems to be more mean these days. This is happening even when he hasn't had any alcohol. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I love him, but I want to guy I married to come back. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I have tried talking to him about it before. I asked him just pick two nights not to drink as a start bc I was getting so much pushback. Now, he acts like it is a big deal that he doesn't drink for those two nights and gets mad at me if I ask him to hold off on another evening. I don't know what to do. It's like he is upset us with alcohol. Perhaps we go out to dinner at each have a glass of wine. That is fine but that is not the end. He will come home and continue to drink more and more.

Lately, he has started to be rather nasty to me after he had been drinking. He has been saying a lot of hurtful things, and it's really bad for our relationship. Of course, that impacts my interest in being intimate with him. That in turn, make him say more nasty things to me. It is a vicious cycle right now.

My kids have started saying daddy seems to be more mean these days. This is happening even when he hasn't had any alcohol. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I love him, but I want to guy I married to come back. What do I do?

How much was he drinking before you told him to quit two nights a week? And was he treating you badly? If he was drinking enough that it was causing trouble in his life and/or he was treating you & the kids poorly, then he has a drinking problem that he needs to address or you & the kids need to get out.

On the other hand -- and I don't think this is the case based on what you said -- if the trouble only started after you told him to stop, then it could be a reaction to controlling behavior. I drink one or two beers a night, pretty much every night. It doesn't cause any trouble and doesn't make me treat the family any differently. I like how they taste, and (right or wrong) it signifies relaxation for me. If my wife arbitrarily told me to stop, I'd probably react negatively.

[Anonymous]

Just leave. Been there done that, wasted 10 years. Don't be me.

[Anonymous]

OP here - It was rarely just 1 or 2 a night, more like 4-5. The reason I asked him to cut back is b/c of health. He has a health situation this spring and he had to stop drinking all together for about a month. The doctor made it clear that his amount of drinking was excessive and it could cause more health problems. When he was given the OK to go back to drinking, it was much more moderate. He could just have a beer while making dinner and then stop. After awhile, however, he started drinking at him old rate. That's why I asked him to cut back. I don't want to take him to the ER in the middle of the night again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I will try to give some advice from the perspective of someone who has argued with her husband over drinking, though I do not think my husband is addicted to alcohol. He does drink too much from time to time (and so do I). He does not appreciate me nagging him about drinking, so we used to fight more about it before I learned to live and let live on the subject a little bit.

I would address your concerns with him from the perspective of his actions and his statements. You can mention that these things tend to happen when he's drinking, or not, but I would keep the focus on "you did or said XYZ that was hurtful/rude/dangerous, etc." Use specific examples. Write them down as they happen if you need to, and then read them back at a time when he hasn't been drinking. Ask him if he's upset or stressed about something in his life. These things are worth discussing independently of alcohol, and he may be less defensive if you don't come at him from a "you have a problem" perspective. And I would drop the pressure on him to not drink on certain days. It is controlling (believe me, tried it myself!) and will make him resentful. My DH goes through phases where he will have one or two beers per night, every night, and other times when he won't drink at all during the week. When I used to try to "make him" cut back, we fought. Now, he does his thing and generally his level of consumption is associated with stuff other than me nagging (for example, he wants to lose weight so he cuts back, or he indulges a bit more because he is stressed about work). I now try to focus on his actual behavior and interactions with the family, and whether they are affected by his alcohol consumption, than monitoring actual intake.

I would give his approach a try and see how it goes for a few months. Assume he doesn't have a problem and address the things that bother you, other than his actual consumption of alcohol, and see if you can improve those. It may be that he DOES have a drinking problem, but all you know for sure right now is you have a communication problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - It was rarely just 1 or 2 a night, more like 4-5. The reason I asked him to cut back is b/c of health. He has a health situation this spring and he had to stop drinking all together for about a month. The doctor made it clear that his amount of drinking was excessive and it could cause more health problems. When he was given the OK to go back to drinking, it was much more moderate. He could just have a beer while making dinner and then stop. After awhile, however, he started drinking at him old rate. That's why I asked him to cut back. I don't want to take him to the ER in the middle of the night again.

Sorry about the typos. This isn't fun to discuss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:all you know for sure right now is you have a communication problem.

Yeah, we do. We fight so much more than we used to. The past 2 years have be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:all you know for sure right now is you have a communication problem.

Yeah, we do. We fight so much more than we used to. The past 2 years have be hard.

I'm sorry, OP. PP here. It sounds like your husband certainly has a bigger reason to quit drinking so much (health issues) than mine ever did (mainly, b/c I wanted him to). But, it does seem that alcohol is a lightning rod for you guys right now, so to the extent you can try to focus on other issues, even if they are ultimately intertwined. He may be dealing with his health scare poorly. He wouldn't be the first person to engage in self-destructive, counterproductive behavior out of fear or facing mortality.

My dad also drinks too much, and he has been told by his doctor to quit. While he has cut back, he does not follow the doctor's instructions to the letter or anywhere close to that. Drives my mother crazy but she is mostly accepting of it. But, again, he doesn't act like a jerk and it sounds like sometimes your husband does. Start there maybe, with his actions and interactions.

[Anonymous]

I'm not totally clear on why you think the alcohol is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Does he have close family who have addiction problems? If so, chances are good he's inherited it. OP, I suggest attending some Al-Anon meetings, which are for friends and families of people with drinking problems. Sounds like your husband doesn't want to cut back on his drinking and while you can insist he do it, if he doesn't want to, he's just going to make your life miserable. At Al-Anon, you will meet other people who have dealt with this kind of problem and who can give you support.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not totally clear on why you think the alcohol is the issue.

1. He had a health scare that is exasperated by binge drinking. The doctor told him that the amount he was drinking was considered binge.

2. When he gets drunk (after the kids go to bed, at least), he'll pick fights with me and say nasty things he'd never say in the middle of the day.

3. He has become short-tempered and snapping at all of us. Whether or not that's related, I don't know. He keeps complaining about being tired and maybe that's b/c he stays up late drinking and then doesn't get a good night's sleep. This is the 3rd reason I listed b/c the 1st 2 are definitely related to alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have close family who have addiction problems? If so, chances are good he's inherited it. OP, I suggest attending some Al-Anon meetings, which are for friends and families of people with drinking problems. Sounds like your husband doesn't want to cut back on his drinking and while you can insist he do it, if he doesn't want to, he's just going to make your life miserable. At Al-Anon, you will meet other people who have dealt with this kind of problem and who can give you support.

Best of luck to you.

He calls his grandfather a nasty drunk. He has never said a good thing about that man. I never met him b/c he died before my husband and I met.

[Anonymous]

He's self-medicating. Is he depressed?

[Anonymous]

I am an alcoholic in recovery. Your situation sounds like ours with you being my DH and me in big trouble with addiction. If you really want help, go to Al Anon or get counseling for yourself. It's going to be a long road and you need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's self-medicating. Is he depressed?

Probably. He won't go to therapy.