I think my husband has a drinking problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I have tried talking to him about it before. I asked him just pick two nights not to drink as a start bc I was getting so much pushback. Now, he acts like it is a big deal that he doesn't drink for those two nights and gets mad at me if I ask him to hold off on another evening. I don't know what to do. It's like he is upset us with alcohol. Perhaps we go out to dinner at each have a glass of wine. That is fine but that is not the end. He will come home and continue to drink more and more.

Lately, he has started to be rather nasty to me after he had been drinking. He has been saying a lot of hurtful things, and it's really bad for our relationship. Of course, that impacts my interest in being intimate with him. That in turn, make him say more nasty things to me. It is a vicious cycle right now.

My kids have started saying daddy seems to be more mean these days. This is happening even when he hasn't had any alcohol. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I love him, but I want to guy I married to come back. What do I do?

Al Anon.

Alcoholism is at war with everyone who stands in its way.

Al Anon.

And it takes prisoners. Remember that.

What exactly do you mean by that? Is directed st OP? Do you believe she is up against a war with alcoholism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I have tried talking to him about it before. I asked him just pick two nights not to drink as a start bc I was getting so much pushback. Now, he acts like it is a big deal that he doesn't drink for those two nights and gets mad at me if I ask him to hold off on another evening. I don't know what to do. It's like he is upset us with alcohol. Perhaps we go out to dinner at each have a glass of wine. That is fine but that is not the end. He will come home and continue to drink more and more.

Lately, he has started to be rather nasty to me after he had been drinking. He has been saying a lot of hurtful things, and it's really bad for our relationship. Of course, that impacts my interest in being intimate with him. That in turn, make him say more nasty things to me. It is a vicious cycle right now.

My kids have started saying daddy seems to be more mean these days. This is happening even when he hasn't had any alcohol. I don't know what to do. I am at a loss. I love him, but I want to guy I married to come back. What do I do?

Al Anon.

Alcoholism is at war with everyone who stands in its way.

Al Anon.

And it takes prisoners. Remember that.

What exactly do you mean by that? Is directed st OP? Do you believe she is up against a war with alcoholism?

NP. She is. Al Anon is one way that people whose loved ones are alcoholics learn coping mechanisms.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Yes That is exactly what I'm saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Man, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. (just figuratively!) The advice went from, "stop nagging" to "get your kids out".

I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I will look into Al-Anon to see if there is a meeting during the day somewhere that I can attend. If I do end up needing to leave, it's going to be a hard road. I can't support us right now. I have a job that pays squat, but allows to be contribute a little and gives me all the flexibilty I need to take care of everything kid related that comes up. It doesn't pay me enough to live here. I look around our house and see all the history and happy memories. I pray that this is just a short-term bump in the road that passes in under a year b/c the good times are still fresh in my head. I hear what you are saying, however, and I promise not to bury my head.

but then you listed all the reasons you are going to do exactly that. Your kids deserve better.

[Anonymous]

My wife is an alcoholic. She also has a strong family history of alcoholism. It took years for me to recognize it, years for her to admit it and get treatment and several trips to outpatient and inpatient clinics to get sober. Several relapses and a terrible toll on our children and our marriage. You have had some good advise here about therapy and Al-Anon. Especially for your kids. If I had to do it all over again, I would have insisted that my wife get early therapy, I would have done a better job of protecting our kids, and I would have left sooner.
Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Man, I feel like I've been punched in the gut. (just figuratively!) The advice went from, "stop nagging" to "get your kids out".

I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses. I will look into Al-Anon to see if there is a meeting during the day somewhere that I can attend. If I do end up needing to leave, it's going to be a hard road. I can't support us right now. I have a job that pays squat, but allows to be contribute a little and gives me all the flexibilty I need to take care of everything kid related that comes up. It doesn't pay me enough to live here. I look around our house and see all the history and happy memories. I pray that this is just a short-term bump in the road that passes in under a year b/c the good times are still fresh in my head. I hear what you are saying, however, and I promise not to bury my head.

but then you listed all the reasons you are going to do exactly that. Your kids deserve better.

Wow! I didn't think I did that at all. The problems I've noted started about 3 months ago. Yes, he drank more than he should before the health scare, but it wasn't impacting his mood or anyone else before then. Do you toss it all away after a short time when you don't think you've exhausted your avenues?

It's clear I need to talk to someone and that is what I am going to do.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else think the responses here are over the top? As OP said, it went from 'stop nagging' to 'leave him immediately!'

[Anonymous]

Dear, you need to contact Al Anon, which is a support group for the partner of the alcoholic, not the alcoholic himself. You can find good chat groups online for them too. Once you talk with other people in your same situation, you will quickly see what it is you are dealing with. Your husband does indeed have a drinking problem and it will likely continue to get worse over time, particularly given his denial and avoidance. How you handle the situation is entirely up to you ... everyone is different. But I can promise you that even a high functioning alcoholic brings slow and enduring misery to your marriage. The hurt and tap dancing you will slowly take on more and more is corrosive. At some point, you may need to walk away. Just wanted to let you start thinking about that now. I am really sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think the responses here are over the top? As OP said, it went from 'stop nagging' to 'leave him immediately!'

+1 It snowballed. I think some people have experienced a lot of hurt and want that not to happen to others.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious. Do the poster who think the responses are "over the top" think the dh has an alcohol issue?

[Anonymous]

oops. meant posters plural in post above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think the responses here are over the top? As OP said, it went from 'stop nagging' to 'leave him immediately!'

+1 It snowballed. I think some people have experienced a lot of hurt and want that not to happen to others.

Absolutely. People are projecting their own experiences. They mean well I'm sure but ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. Do the poster who think the responses are "over the top" think the dh has an alcohol issue?

Potentially, but I think there's something else going on here (mean without the alcohol, cruel to his spouse at all). ie the alcohol may be a symptom, not the disease. I'd encourage OP to figure out what is at the root of her husband's sadness and anger. To me that seems the bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. Do the poster who think the responses are "over the top" think the dh has an alcohol issue?

Potentially, but I think there's something else going on here (mean without the alcohol, cruel to his spouse at all). ie the alcohol may be a symptom, not the disease. I'd encourage OP to figure out what is at the root of her husband's sadness and anger. To me that seems the bigger issue.

I think you are unfamiliar with alcoholism. Are you in denial in your own life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. Do the poster who think the responses are "over the top" think the dh has an alcohol issue?

Potentially, but I think there's something else going on here (mean without the alcohol, cruel to his spouse at all). ie the alcohol may be a symptom, not the disease. I'd encourage OP to figure out what is at the root of her husband's sadness and anger. To me that seems the bigger issue.

I think you are unfamiliar with alcoholism. Are you in denial in your own life?

I don't think so. I may be unfamiliar, that's fair (though I'm not the only poster saying the responses went over the top).

Can you explain? I mean this sincerely. If he is mean to his family when not drinking, seems angry with his spouse when he does - why is it not possible that something else is going on? Or is that not relevant?