Couples Weekend
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Anonymous
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I am starting to get annoyed that every single one of our couples friends (about 10 different couples total) finds the time to get away without their kids at least once during the year. Most of us are in the same boat without local family, so they either fly in parents or pay their nanny to stay. For some reason my DH and I can't ever seem to pull it together. I am always the one nudging him about it - let's go away together, pick somewhere nice, sleep in, have some alone time, etc. Money isn't the issue here, so what gives? He asked what I wanted for my birthday in June and I said a night at a hotel and so I just never got a birthday present this year. I don't even think he looked into it.
Our marriage is fine - not great, but not bad. We have two young kids so that has taken its toll. But where I am trying to carve out some alone time for us, he just can't ever commit and puts zero effort into making something happen. Is this just the way it is for some couples? I have tried having a dialog and he says he would love to go away and we walk away agreeing to plan something, but it just never materializes. DH is not a planner at all. We have an active social life and do go out on date nights, but it's always me planning. I could just plan a trip and send him an itinerary and he could come, but that really takes the fun out of it for me. I want him to care. |
Anonymous
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I think you have to do it yourself if you want to make it happen. Really. You said he's not a planner, and perhaps he also doesn't care about going away.
Either you tell him exactly what you want to do and ask him to plan it (and he does or doesn't and you live with that) Or you do it yourself. And it happens. He might still care even if he can't get his act together to plan it. |
Anonymous
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Do it. Even if you have to plan it, just do it. Not sure how old your kids are, but get the nanny or the babysitter or the teacher from daycare on the calendar. Leave first thing Friday morning and come back Sunday afternoon. Don't waste too much time traveling. Sleep in. Go places that aren't kid friendly. Eat dinner without sticky hands at the table. DO IT.
We have two kids - 2 and 4. We have no local family, either. The grandparents flat out refuse to take both kids at once. We're both only children, so no awesome aunts or uncles in the wings. We can't afford to do it as often as we want, but it is so worth it when we can swing it. |
Anonymous
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This reminds me of Rachel in "Friends": "I want you to WANT to do dishes!!!!"
Plan it yourself. |
Anonymous
| I just told DW that all I want for my birthday is an erotic night away with her. No pitter-patter into our room at 6 am,no dog jumping on the bed. Just she and I, good wine, sexy negligee, long night of lovemaking and a shower together in the morning. Now we will see if we can pull it off... Have ducked away for a night before. Sooooooo worth it |
Anonymous
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OP--You're probably in your mid-30's, yes? Take a lesson I've learned: You only get one time in this rodeo. If you want something to happen, MAKE IT HAPPEN. I used to want my spouse to plan a spectacular birthday for me. It just wasn't happening. So I let it go and started planning my own. Guess what--it's a win-win for everyone. I never question my spouse's love for me and see the lack of "effort" as a measure of his love. It's just that planning these things isn't his wheelhouse.
I'm turning 50 next week and have a fabulous trip planned to NYC for a few days. I was clear that I wanted spouse to take care of childcare arrangements and get train tickets. But everything else is planned by me because it's about what I want. He has stepped up on his end because he had clear tasks, and I'm really excited for this birthday trip. We're going to have lots of fun, crazy sex and time to ourselves. Again, it's a win-win for everyone. |
Anonymous
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All good advice so far. The answer is obvious, even to you. Here is a further hint if you want him to start planning some of these: pick a place that he will like.
Is he a Vegas kind of guy? Is he into hiking? History? Whatever it is that gets him going, plan it. Pick a style of restaurant you know he'll like, perform his favorite sexual act/live out on of his fantasies. If he comes back from something like that, you won't have to ask him to plan the next one. If I'm wrong, then when he asks: "where are we going next year?" tell him that it's his turn and maybe gently remind him he still owes you a birthday present. |
Anonymous
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uggh. talk about first world problems. you sound eerily similar to my exW - nothing was ever enough for her and she was constantly comparing us to her friends.
#1 - you know he's not a planner yet you expect him to plan something. You must have known about this when you married him. Pull up your big girl panties and take action. #2 - you have no idea what he may be worried about. you say money is not a problem and that the marriage is good but not great. There is something important in there that you may not be aware of but that may be weighing on DH's mind. Stop and think about that for a second. #3 - maybe he's not feeling the love from you and that disconnect simply prevents him from really hearing you. I bet you've never really though that. |
Anonymous
| It's sad you don't enjoy being near your children. If two young kids "has taken its toll" maybe you shouldn't have had them. We enjoy doing things as a family. We have a lock on the bedroom door so there is no pitter patter of feet at the wrong times. Sorry your family makes you so miserable. |
Anonymous
Please get a life. You are an asshole even though you're trying really hard to look perfect. |
Anonymous
This might be the dumbest thing I've read on DCUM in a long time. Because I want a romantic weekend away with my spouse I hate my kids? What a ridiculous stretch. I love my kids more than anything in this world. We love doing stuff as a family. They do not make me miserable. But a night or weekend away with my spouse recharges both of us, reconnects us, and is absolutely essential to our marital health. |
Anonymous
| My DW and I didn't have a couples weekend for about 12 years after we had our first child and it was business related but at a beautiful place. It was 15-18 years before we had our first week long vacation. But, we were both working full time and knew that weekends were kid time and that was precious to both of us. I'm sure we would have loved to have gotten away but have no regrets. We always found time for each other once the kids were asleep. Don't compare yourself to others. We didn't. Now as empty nesters we make up for it with plenty of fun trips. |
Anonymous
| I pick a time that would be great for a vacation (ie when I see great plane ticket deals), let DH know and then I plan it 100%. I really enjoy planning the minutiae of our vacation and know he doesn't have that much time to devote to it. I'm sure some women would be resentful of it though. |
Anonymous
My husband really doesn't want to go away without the kids, so I now just accept it. We did take a nice trip for our 10th anniversary. On the other hand, he doesn't mind me going away once a year or so with girlfriends, so that's good. |
Anonymous
Because my spouse isn't into planning, I also planned my 50th birthday trip for myself, but spouse didn't make the guest list. |