Coping skills needed!
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Anonymous
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Hi everyone,
Can anyone offer any advice on how you deal with/cope when you are given bad news or poor reports regarding your SN kid? My DS's speech therapist has a tendency to give me bad reports in a harsh way and I have a difficult time with it for some reason. It totally ruins my whole day because it makes me feel so bad for him that he is struggling, it makes me worry about him and then I get anxiety from it. He is 4 and just got an IEP last year, so Im still navigating through everything. He has a slow processing speed, which tends to be the topic of the bulk of bad reports. I just made an appt with a therapist for myself to help me out a bit but haven't gone enough yet to really benefit from it. Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom regarding coping for parents! |
Anonymous
| Honestly, if the speech therapist is being so negative, I'd switch speech therapists! |
Anonymous
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OP - If this speech therapist is young or new to a school setting, you might tell her that it would be beneficial to start of with a positive in reporting to a parent or say nothing at all other than a neutral such as "I am still working on goals with X, and I know he puts forth effort. Then she might note one thing that is giving him trouble or that you might work on." Her attitude could well carryover to working with youngsters who struggle. Really this person sounds like she could use some social and communication skills herself. She needs to be told that reaching speech goals can take varying times for student sand the last things parents need to hear is negativity. Also, if you do not want to sort of offer positive suggestions, then you might just tell her the continuous negative reports are not a help so that you would rather have no comment and read a written report on goals progress every month or quarter. If she has a supervisor or you feel comfortable with someone else in the school setting, you might share your really "well founded" general concerns about her approach with someone who might reach her. |
Anonymous
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Yeah -- I agree to find a better fit for speech therapy. I don't think you need to be lied to in terms of progress if your child is struggling. But you want someone who you feel is compassionate and sensitive and who can also pick out the good to highlight.
Another thing -- if the therapist is so negative, perhaps you should ask if you are on the right path and if that therapist handles children with your child's profile. Does this therapist think she can handle your child's challenges? If not, maybe you need a different focus or different therapist who is more skilled with what your child is struggling with. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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OP- I used to feel so down and anxious when DS10's teachers contacted me. Even after years of it, it's still
tough. Here is what helps: 1. Try not not to compare your DS to other kids his age. It's easier said than done, but it's counterproductive. 2. Look at progress year by year, not in weeks or months. Honestly my kid struggles a lot ADHD +) but the social and emotional growth over the past few years is remarkable and hard to appreciate if I over focus on his current challenges. 3. In a school setting, I *always* listen with an open mind but I don't have to take every statement as gospel given what I know about my son, peer dynamics, the classroom management etc. I stay neutral until I have a complete picture so that I can effectively advocate for my child and/or collaborate with teachers. (advice for later). |
Anonymous
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The therapists are supposed to be part of the solution not part of the problem. They should always start with the positive and be constructive with feedback. If something isn't working it is her job to adapt and try something else. I would move on personally.
With regard to negative feedback from the school, I try to think about the situation from their side and then I go into impartial detective and problem solver mode. I try to gather more info from them without sounding hurt and I try to work with themto come up with ways to address the issue. I also bitch to friends and I have developed a pretty warped, but functional sense of humor about it all. |
Anonymous
| OP, we have a child who has been in speech for years. Age 4 is one of the more difficult years as it gets noticeable how different your child's speech is. For us, it got easier starting at 5, but really 6 and 7. We went through several speech therapists early on. It just wasn't a good fit. A good fit is really important and if you have the option, do try a few therapists and find a better fit. Yes, kids have a tuff time in speech therapy and can act out a bit, but if an SLP makes it fun, usually its not as big an issue. Kids are there because they have needs and it doesn't sound like this SLP is handling it well. The same thing with school. The right fit is important and not everyone understands language delays and automatically assumes the worst, like the child is misbehaving, difficult, etc. when its really they are not processing or understanding. |
Anonymous
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I always say, with a bright smile, "yes, that is why we are here!"
But that aside, you need to set some clear guidelines re how you expect her to communicate with you regarding your child's progress. Ask that she inform you or write out (mine does this in writing) the goals that they worked on and how it is progressing. If she says there has been no progress, ask for new goals to be set. Tell her clearly that you do not find it helpful or necessary to simply discuss how behind our child is, other than for her to perhaps recommend an additional screening, as it makes you anxious and upset and it does not seem helpful for anyone involved. Do this in particular if she is doing this in front of your child - we have had several therapists do this. If you have seen a dev ped, clearly tell her that, and tell her he is overseeing diagnosis and progress. Bottom line, you don't need to know all of her passing thoughts about what may be going on. I have heard them all, from "are you sure he is not ASD?", to from someone else in that practice "Well he can't possibly be ASD based on his profile, it must be something medical," etc., etc. etc. It does not bother me AS MUCH now because it has been going on for so long and the opinions are all so wildly divergent. You have to take therapists for the role that they have - she is a speech therapist, not a dev ped. She is not going to be able to give you a differential diagnosis, and she knows that. |
Anonymous
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Thank you everyone. All of your feedback and advice is helpful.
I am going to give the speech therapist more direct parameters on how I would like to communicate moving forward, ie: not speaking in front of my son and also providing me with feedback based on our goals, etc, not just every passing thought she has. I will give it a bit more time before we switch, just to make sure I make a clear-headed choice regarding therapists. |
Anonymous
Thanks for this. Particularly #2 because that has been a challenge for me. Just as Im feeling so great about progress from last year to this year, I am told or reminded about a current challenge, so sometimes it makes me feel hopeless. Thanks again! |
Anonymous
It doesn't sound like the SLP is being harsh just honest. It's not "bad news." She's giving you an update of how your kid is doing and she has limited time to do so. Truly OP, I don't want therapists to sugar coat stuff or beat around the bush. I need to know what the problems are and what I can do about them. Work on your attitude; be receptive to what she's saying. She's not trying to be mean. Also, from personal experience, being on anti-depressants help. |
Anonymous
Look, this isn't helpful advice if your child has a real disability. There is a very fine line between harshness and honesty. None of us live in a fantasy world about our children's deficits. But we do not want to be slammed with them. I take my daughter for therapeutic riding lessons. She's gone for years. I have zero expectations that she's going to actually independently ride a horse. She goes for the joy of being close to the horse, for the social stimulation, and the pride of other kids knowing that she rides. Out of the three years of doing this, one instructor one semester took it upon herself to issue a "report card" for my daughter and the other pupils in the class (the lowest rung). Progress: Minimal Skills: Minimal Recommendation: Repeat class I asked her why she had done this, and why she felt it was necessary. If she believed that we as parents were unaware of our children's skills and progress, or lack thereof. If she felt this was in any way called for, or if the students were really looking for an assessment of their skills. She seemed absolutely shocked by my feedback. Or by the need to offer any sort of praise for the kids' genuinely positive qualities -- attitude; attendance; etc. |
Anonymous
Having been at this for 12 years, I understand what OP means. Some ST's identify the issue and say what they are doing to address it. When something is effective they share so you can follow up at home. Sometimes you get a dud who complains about your kids attitude and just lists all the things he can't do. I like the response a PP gave of "That's why we hired you." A good clinician knows how to convey information to the parents in a way that feels collaborative, not negative and condescending. |
Anonymous
OP here- you are so right about "yes, that is why we are here!" Like sometimes I want to be like "hello??? I know this, that is why we are here!!" I might actually need to say that next time! |
Anonymous
I promise you, I am open. I want to hear the progress and the concerns. But I believe delivery is important, especially when it is in front of my 4 yr old DS, who understands what she is saying. Her delivery is usually a little rough around the edges. I am very receptive, probably too receptive because I take everything she says to heart very seriously. Which is why I asked for coping advice on how to manage how to handle what I hear, as someone only a year into this whole process. |