doing our own thing as a family for Christmas and my parents are being their usual selves

[Anonymous]

After a very long year, DH and I decided we should do something fun for Christmas with our two kids (under 5). We've spent plenty of holidays with our parents and figured it was time to just do something on our own. And honestly, my parents are very difficult people-- hard to please, always want to talk about uncomfortable topics-- and it would be nice to not have to deal with their antics even just this once.

So, we booked a long Christmas weekend at a hotel in the Caribbean. DH's parents said have a nice time. I told my mom when she asked what we're doing and she immediately invited herself and my father along. Not that they weren't necessarily invited but I knew this kind of thing isn't the way they like to spend holidays. They like eating the same traditional food, going to church on Christmas Day, being able to have a tree, etc. So, she goes and asks me for the dates and books a trip.

Now, a week after booking, she's all up in arms. She's all worried about where we're going to eat, what if she doesn't like the restaurants, how she now doesn't like to idea of being at a hotel on Christmas, what if there's bad weather, etc. This was exactly what I wanted to avoid this holiday season. Her anxious BS. DH and I are now bracing for our holiday to be ruined by my parents acting all put upon because we're "making them" have to visit their grandchildren this way. I wish there had been a way to discourage them from coming.

[Anonymous]

There was...but it requires the ability to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

My parents also invited themselves along for our Christmas break travel, and after a couple of days of picturing all the ways in which they would turn vacation into work and drama, I uninvited them. I can't even describe in words how incredibly relieved I felt. Try it sometime - it feel amazing.

[Anonymous]

Seriously OP? How would they know how to book themselves on this trip if they didn't have the necessary information? Oh wait...you must've told them. All you had to do was say that you, DH and kids were going on this trip. Period. There was no reason you had to share the dates or the resort. But you did.

Your way to discourage from attending was to never give the detailed information in the first place. If you really don't want this drama from your parents, you'd figure out how to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OK, let me understand this situation.

1. Your parents are difficult people.
2. You and your family decided to do something fun for Christmas, specifically, going to a resort.
3. Your parents decided they wanted to go too.
4. [There is a missing part here where your parents somehow were able to obtain information about where you were staying, your flight information, and all the rest of the details, and obtain your permission to come too. Possibly you were drugged or under CIA mind control. Details to come?]
5. Your difficult parents are complaining about being off site for vacation.

Shocker.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you set yourself up Op. You would have been better off just spending the holidays with both sets of your parents. Your kids are little - both under 5. There is a limit to how relaxing this resort trip was going to be anyway.

At least you'll have two doting grandparents there who will happily spend time with your kids. There is that. I hope it all works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was...but it requires the ability to set boundaries.

Too late.

And it also involves early planning.

[Anonymous]

When she complains, tell her it's not too late for them to cancel and reassure her that it's totally fine with you if they cancel. Otherwise, when she complains say, "You know, Mom, we are hoping for a relaxing, stress-free week. No complaining, no worrying, no stress." Repeat as often as necessary and cut her off with this when she starts complaining.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one because it requires you to say no when your parents invite themselves on the trip.

For next time, I suggest you figure out your message ahead of time and stick with it. Focus on what in it for them. For example:

"This year, DH and the kids and I are going for a rustic, outdoorsy Christmas break. We are planning on a lot of hiking and boating, and teaching the kids to snorkel.

We'll miss you but we don't want you to miss your traditional Christmas because we know how much you love it! We will figure out a time to come visit you soon after the holidays."

If they try to invite themselves: "Mom, I think you'd be miserable on this trip! It won't have any of the traditional trappings. We'll see you sometime early in the year."

If she keeps pushing, continue with variations of no, it won't work for you. The key is to keep on message.

If she asks questions, like "Why can;t we come?" answer with a question" "Mom, why would you want to come on a rustic vacation that involves camping, hiking and sleeping on the beach?"; etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, why did you give them the dates and places?! LOL You live and learn, you live and learn LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she complains, tell her it's not too late for them to cancel and reassure her that it's totally fine with you if they cancel. Otherwise, when she complains say, "You know, Mom, we are hoping for a relaxing, stress-free week. No complaining, no worrying, no stress." Repeat as often as necessary and cut her off with this when she starts complaining.

This is great advice since the "setting boundaries on not allowing them to come" ship has sailed. Obviously, the best course of action would have been to kindly tell them this was going to be a "just us" vacation but what's done is done. All you can focus on now is making it clear you aren't going to listen to the endless complaints when they should have known what they're getting. You won't be able to get the vacation you were originally planning on but you can at least not let yourself be held prisoner by their gripes and groans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she complains, tell her it's not too late for them to cancel and reassure her that it's totally fine with you if they cancel. Otherwise, when she complains say, "You know, Mom, we are hoping for a relaxing, stress-free week. No complaining, no worrying, no stress." Repeat as often as necessary and cut her off with this when she starts complaining.

This is great advice since the "setting boundaries on not allowing them to come" ship has sailed. Obviously, the best course of action would have been to kindly tell them this was going to be a "just us" vacation but what's done is done. All you can focus on now is making it clear you aren't going to listen to the endless complaints when they should have known what they're getting. You won't be able to get the vacation you were originally planning on but you can at least not let yourself be held prisoner by their gripes and groans.

Great advice. Furthermore, I suggest you all do exactly what YOU planned to do. Don't let this devolve into a trip looking for ways to accomodate their needs. They are grown ass adults and can figure it out.

Mom- Have you found a church for us to attend on Christmas?
You- There's a chapel at the hotel that has a service Christmas Eve- that's what we're doing. I'm sure the Conceirge can help you find something else if you want!

You- We're heading down to the beach after breakfast. Do you want to meet for lunch?
Mom- Oh, honey you know I can't do the beach.
You- What time should we meet for lunch? Or do you want to catch up this afternoon (repeat repeat repeat)

[Anonymous]

Since the "vacation alone" ship has sailed, time for the "vacation with boundaries" to start. Call ahead to the resort and ensure that you and the kids are on a separate floor from your parents. When they arrive and ask what the agenda is, announce not every detail of your schedule but just "we have plans in the morning but we'll meet up with you at X time for Y activity or meal. If they ask what plans, "We want to have some nuclear family time this trip, so we'll see you at X time for Y activity." Then be a broken record. If they have a tantrum, treat it as you would from your kid: ignore and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since the "vacation alone" ship has sailed, time for the "vacation with boundaries" to start. Call ahead to the resort and ensure that you and the kids are on a separate floor from your parents. When they arrive and ask what the agenda is, announce not every detail of your schedule but just "we have plans in the morning but we'll meet up with you at X time for Y activity or meal. If they ask what plans, "We want to have some nuclear family time this trip, so we'll see you at X time for Y activity." Then be a broken record. If they have a tantrum, treat it as you would from your kid: ignore and move on.

This. If the vacation with boundaries does not work, next time tell them you are planning a nuclear-family only trip and don't tell them specifics until it is too late to book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why did you give them the dates and places?! LOL You live and learn, you live and learn LOL

Yes, that was dumb OP.