Let's talk 9th grade social life

[Anonymous]

DD is in 9th grade. She is very shy and has mild (unmedicated) ADHD - inattentiveness. plus executive functioning deficits She's also a bit quirky.

She goes to a small, rigorous school outside the neighborhood. Her 9th grade class is about 50 students and has been together since 6th grade.

She talks about girls at school, so I know she has friends. She is constantly doing something on her phone.... instragram, chat....
But she no longer "hangs out." SHe used to go to the movies or ask to hang out at the mall/Starbucks with a friend but stopped at the beginning of 9th grade. She comes home from school on Fridays saying she wants to hang out with friends over the weekend, but never commits to anything. I ask who she wants to hang out with and she doesn't give anyone specific..

A formal winter dance is coming up in early December. SHe wanted to go dress shopping "with her friends" this weekend. I told her I could drive her/them - just organize which day and time. She never did. She talks often about getting together with friends, but never actually does. I wonder if she is hiding/covering up that no one asks her to do anything....

I don't think she is an introvert as she never spends any time in her room. She's always near other family members and asks to do stuff with me - cook, go for a walk, watch a movie on tv, etc...

I remember hanging out (home/mall) ALL. THE. TIME starting in high school. I'm wondering if her ADHD, shyness, executive function is hindering.... Should I step IN to help her plan, or step OUT for her to figure it out?

[Anonymous]

Help her. Freshman year of HS is tough!

[Anonymous]

Also- help her get involved with something outside of school. I can't stress that strongly enough!

Church youth group, youth volunteer group, sports team (with non school friends), art club, etc. The list goes on. She needs a social group outside of school (I think every kid should have one).

Do you socialize with the other parents? Are there one or two parents with whom you'd like to hang out? Invite them for coffee. It may give you an insight into the group of kids.

Good luck, OP. It's so tough.

[Anonymous]

Help her plan. My ADHD 8th grader has an impossible time planning. She'll wait until the last minute, and then everyone's busy.

I'll let her know I can take her and her friends on Saturday afternoon or on Friday evening, and ask which is better for her. I'll tell her I need to know by Thursday, so that she'll contact her friends ahead of time. I'm not taking the planning away from her, I'm just helping provide some structure and encouragement. It seems to work, although when I step back things still fall apart. DD was supposed to go shopping with friends this weekend and I told her I could take her. Sunday morning I checked in and she'd decided not to do anything. I think my stepping back was too much, she wasn't quite able to manage coordinating the thing.

[Anonymous]

I often wonder how much "hanging out" is healthy/appropriate for a shy teen.

DO you hope your teen should aim for something once a weekend?
So, a movie with a friend at home on Friday night is good and then call it done for the weekend?

[Anonymous]

Only a small % of plans ever develop

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the ADHD might be preventing her from actually following through.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she's overwhelmed at the minutia (sp?) of organizing.

What time are we going?
What time are we coming back?
How are we getting there?
How are we getting back?
How much money do I bring?
How much money do I ask my mom for?
What if Friend brings more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only a small % of plans ever develop

This is so true. Do you know why? Group chats. There is always someone who can't go and the plan folds.

OP, tell her to make plans with ONE friend and they can tell everyone else. "Hey, Amy and I will be at the mall from 2-5pm on Saturday if anyone wants to meet up."

[Anonymous]

And then a couple of girls will peel off and your dd gets left out.

[Anonymous]

ADHD and anxiety go hand in hand. It's probably lack of planning and then fear of being rejected. It is very tough.

You will likely have to give your DD the words to use and tell her when and how to do it. It's easier if they are willing to text. Have her start with one friend, the one she is closest to.

[Anonymous]

So maybe your DD isn't a planner, but that doesn't explain why she never hangs out with friends on the weekend. The friends can't plan either? As another poster suggested, join, join join. There are clubs in high school as well as sporting events to watch.

[Anonymous]

This is my DD too. Although two years later and it's really no better. I think the ADHD, which we now medicate for, and some resulting anxiety, have really made it very hard for her to engage with her peers. (I also think girls can have unrealistic ideas of what high school social lives look like - sort of the Disney Channel effect - and assume everyone else is off having fun without them. It can be hard to realize that that doesn't all just happen organically and it takes some work.)

[Anonymous]

Organizing is beyond my DS. He will way stupid things like, I am playing tennis at 4 in Rock Creek park and then at 5 we are all going to the movies. And I will say where to the movies and when does the movie start. He will usually yell at me to let him live his life and stop interfering.... To find out that movie starts at 5pm in Laurel! Assume that all teens have no skills at any organizing.

[Anonymous]

Just to give you something else to look out for- it's not just organizational skills that's affected by ADHD.

We had our child tested by 3 psychologists for ADHD and the first question was always - Does she have any friends? I thought it was odd because what would ADHD have anything to do with friends?

She's in 9th grade now and friendships are always very rocky. A couple of years ago, I read a book called "Is it you, me or ADD" and I realized that my spouse of 16 years probably has ADHD too. The book explained why our dynamic has been what it is. Don't get me wrong, my marriage is awesome in many ways but the ADHD mind does wreak havoc in a lot of our daily interactions.

Our child is now doing social skills group therapy and is doing much better with her awareness of herself, her surroundings and her friendships.

This was also a very helpful book: 100 Questions & Answers About Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) In Women And Girls.