Let's talk 9th grade social life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also- help her get involved with something outside of school. I can't stress that strongly enough!

Church youth group, youth volunteer group, sports team (with non school friends), art club, etc. The list goes on. She needs a social group outside of school (I think every kid should have one).

Do you socialize with the other parents? Are there one or two parents with whom you'd like to hang out? Invite them for coffee. It may give you an insight into the group of kids.

Good luck, OP. It's so tough.

+1,000 on being sure she has activities other than school and can meet peers who are not in the school "circle." Especially since she has such a tiny class at school and they all stick together in the same class year after year, she could use some friends who are outside that school group.

If she doesn't already have an outside activity, help her find one but be sure that she, not you, chooses it and is really interested in it. By her age the best and real friendships are rooted in shared interests more than in mere proximity of being in the same class at school.

And at the same time do give her some help navigating outings with school friends when she mentions outings they've discussed. I know you likely want to avoid hovering, but remember too that she might need a little pushing like "Hey, call Sarah now and get a definite time tomorrow for shopping. I can pick her up at her house and drive you to the shops" etc. It can be tough for some kids to turn vague ideas into actual outings so you might need to telegraph to her that she needs to set actual dates and times and that you will help work out transportation.

[Anonymous]

Do any of you have experience with ADHD/Inattentive in college? Does it get better?

[Anonymous]

I think you are all missing the point that MANY kids socialize via phone these days. I don't think it has much at all to do with ADHD. Honestly, I don't.

My daughter was the same way as a freshman. Kids get overwhelmed with HW, sports/activities run much later, and many kids still do club sports and other obligations on the weekend. Sadly, if they socialize on IG, Snap or group texts, they are fulfilling friendship needs. We may not see it that way but our parents didn't think hanging out a mall or arcade for a few hours doing "nothing" constituted as much. And honestly, parents are always busy too.

OP, I say you offer a sleepover at your house. Just a few girls. It will give you a better idea.

Another thought is her friend group is changing. My daughter didn't want to be in the trying to impress group in HS. Some did. Friendships fade out. New ones will start. Totally normal

Lastly, check her phone a little. See what's up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you have experience with ADHD/Inattentive in college? Does it get better?

Yes, I have inattentive type and things got worse in college. I wish I had been medicated then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are all missing the point that MANY kids socialize via phone these days. I don't think it has much at all to do with ADHD. Honestly, I don't.

My daughter was the same way as a freshman. Kids get overwhelmed with HW, sports/activities run much later, and many kids still do club sports and other obligations on the weekend. Sadly, if they socialize on IG, Snap or group texts, they are fulfilling friendship needs. We may not see it that way but our parents didn't think hanging out a mall or arcade for a few hours doing "nothing" constituted as much. And honestly, parents are always busy too.

OP, I say you offer a sleepover at your house. Just a few girls. It will give you a better idea.

Another thought is her friend group is changing. My daughter didn't want to be in the trying to impress group in HS. Some did. Friendships fade out. New ones will start. Totally normal

Lastly, check her phone a little. See what's up.

+1

[Anonymous]

With my DS & DD I have always found that it is best to make some cool plans that involve others. Some examples that I can think of:

1) Chartered a fishing boat

2) Concerts

3) Paintball

4) Ice skating

5) Spa day

6) Learning to cook

7) Bonfire on beach

8) Bowling

9) Mini-golf

10) NBA Games

11) Baseball games

12) NHL Games


I make these plans for them a couple weeks in advance for him and 2 or 3 friends. My rules was that it can't always be the same friends, I know who he asks in advance and that I must clear this activity with the other parents well in advance. Clearing it with the other parents helps make sure that plans don't change at the last minute or that the other teen does not "forget" all about it.

I only needed to do this for the freshman and sophomore years. Once they were upperclassmen, they had a solid group of friends. I do think that this helped out in them cultivating friendships.

[Anonymous]

While these are all good suggestions, if you're DC isn't inattentive, I don't think you truly understand their ongoing struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While these are all good suggestions, if you're DC isn't inattentive, I don't think you truly understand their ongoing struggles.

This is a curious response as the PP gave simple straightforward advice. I guess he should have added see a counselor ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are all missing the point that MANY kids socialize via phone these days. I don't think it has much at all to do with ADHD. Honestly, I don't.

My daughter was the same way as a freshman. Kids get overwhelmed with HW, sports/activities run much later, and many kids still do club sports and other obligations on the weekend. Sadly, if they socialize on IG, Snap or group texts, they are fulfilling friendship needs. We may not see it that way but our parents didn't think hanging out a mall or arcade for a few hours doing "nothing" constituted as much. And honestly, parents are always busy too.

OP, I say you offer a sleepover at your house. Just a few girls. It will give you a better idea.

Another thought is her friend group is changing. My daughter didn't want to be in the trying to impress group in HS. Some did. Friendships fade out. New ones will start. Totally normal

Lastly, check her phone a little. See what's up.

+1

+2, except I don't even think it's "sad". My parents always told me to get off the phone and stop tying up the line for hours, and my dad was forever complaining about how much time we spent "aimlessly wandering" in the mall (me) or skating rink (my brother). The parental generation never quite approves of or sees value in the children's social activities.

As long as she seems happy it's probably all fine, but if she expresses a desire for something different maybe see how you could help her make that happen instead or in addition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my DS & DD I have always found that it is best to make some cool plans that involve others. Some examples that I can think of:

1) Chartered a fishing boat

2) Concerts

3) Paintball

4) Ice skating

5) Spa day

6) Learning to cook

7) Bonfire on beach

8) Bowling

9) Mini-golf

10) NBA Games

11) Baseball games

12) NHL Games


I make these plans for them a couple weeks in advance for him and 2 or 3 friends. My rules was that it can't always be the same friends, I know who he asks in advance and that I must clear this activity with the other parents well in advance. Clearing it with the other parents helps make sure that plans don't change at the last minute or that the other teen does not "forget" all about it.

I only needed to do this for the freshman and sophomore years. Once they were upperclassmen, they had a solid group of friends. I do think that this helped out in them cultivating friendships.

Would you have allowed your kids to decline your assistance had they been so inclined? My middle daughter is in her last year of 8th grade so I'm watching this thread with interest, but I don't think either she or her older sister would want me having anything to do with arranging their social life. In DD2's case, she's so picky about who she hangs out with that if it can't be the exact people she wants I doubt she'd go along with the plan at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While these are all good suggestions, if you're DC isn't inattentive, I don't think you truly understand their ongoing struggles.

I don't think the OP was asking for advice from only those whose kids have mild ADHD (don't most teens have it to an extent anyway?)

If she wanted only advice from those with special needs, she would have posted in that forum.


OP, many kids have executive functioning issues and mild ADHD. Some medicated and some not. For kids like this, their worst years are 7-9th grade. 9th grade is tough for everyone. More homework, more after school activities. By 10th grade they start to get it a little better. Not that their inattentiveness has gone away but they are feeling a little more secure in handling it. Your school should have a learning specialist that should help with the executive functioning. You need to offer some plans and have your child as one friend to start and then add a few more. You really need to lead the horse to water at this age. The posters talking about social media being their social lives is spot on. All week long kids go to school, activities, homework, a little bit of phone and off to bed. Sometimes this age, kids that are a little anxious, shy, awkward, will relish being at home doing not much. The pressure is high for freshman all week. Some kids don't want to admit it but lounging around and not socializing helps them decompress. Many don't want to start the party/social scene and that is a-ok. I would set limits on the phone, even on weekends. Let her learn to decompress without it. Reading, hiking, bike riding, adult coloring book, etc... But still encourage socialization without being pushy. "Hey, I have to run to the mall for a few hours tomorrow. Do you want to ask Sophie to go see the Magical beasts movie? I can drive and pick up." or "For once we have no plans on Saturday morning. How about inviting a few girls for movies/pizza and a sleepover." If nothing happens, then YOU take your daughter to the movies, dinner, etc... and just talk and hang out. You may get a better feel for what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my DS & DD I have always found that it is best to make some cool plans that involve others. Some examples that I can think of:

1) Chartered a fishing boat

2) Concerts

3) Paintball

4) Ice skating

5) Spa day

6) Learning to cook

7) Bonfire on beach

8) Bowling

9) Mini-golf

10) NBA Games

11) Baseball games

12) NHL Games


I make these plans for them a couple weeks in advance for him and 2 or 3 friends. My rules was that it can't always be the same friends, I know who he asks in advance and that I must clear this activity with the other parents well in advance. Clearing it with the other parents helps make sure that plans don't change at the last minute or that the other teen does not "forget" all about it.

I only needed to do this for the freshman and sophomore years. Once they were upperclassmen, they had a solid group of friends. I do think that this helped out in them cultivating friendships.

Would you have allowed your kids to decline your assistance had they been so inclined? My middle daughter is in her last year of 8th grade so I'm watching this thread with interest, but I don't think either she or her older sister would want me having anything to do with arranging their social life. In DD2's case, she's so picky about who she hangs out with that if it can't be the exact people she wants I doubt she'd go along with the plan at all.

If they refused, I guess there would have been little that I could have done. I always tried to fing events that they were very interested in going to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my DS & DD I have always found that it is best to make some cool plans that involve others. Some examples that I can think of:

1) Chartered a fishing boat

2) Concerts

3) Paintball

4) Ice skating

5) Spa day

6) Learning to cook

7) Bonfire on beach

8) Bowling

9) Mini-golf

10) NBA Games

11) Baseball games

12) NHL Games


I make these plans for them a couple weeks in advance for him and 2 or 3 friends. My rules was that it can't always be the same friends, I know who he asks in advance and that I must clear this activity with the other parents well in advance. Clearing it with the other parents helps make sure that plans don't change at the last minute or that the other teen does not "forget" all about it.

I only needed to do this for the freshman and sophomore years. Once they were upperclassmen, they had a solid group of friends. I do think that this helped out in them cultivating friendships.

omg how embarrassing!! My son would die. We do something similar but always picks the same three boys since those are who he feels closest to..so much micro management. I have my son txt his friends and if the parents have questions they can contact me. You can encourage/suggest but my high school this is too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are all missing the point that MANY kids socialize via phone these days. I don't think it has much at all to do with ADHD. Honestly, I don't.

My daughter was the same way as a freshman. Kids get overwhelmed with HW, sports/activities run much later, and many kids still do club sports and other obligations on the weekend. Sadly, if they socialize on IG, Snap or group texts, they are fulfilling friendship needs. We may not see it that way but our parents didn't think hanging out a mall or arcade for a few hours doing "nothing" constituted as much. And honestly, parents are always busy too.

OP, I say you offer a sleepover at your house. Just a few girls. It will give you a better idea.

Another thought is her friend group is changing. My daughter didn't want to be in the trying to impress group in HS. Some did. Friendships fade out. New ones will start. Totally normal

Lastly, check her phone a little. See what's up.

I agree.

This does not sound like an adhd issue.

This prpblem sounds like how many non-social butterfly type kids socialize now.

Due to social media and online gaming many kids lack the skills and motivation to socialize in real life in a normal healthy way.

This is true for most teens, not just kids with adhd.

[Anonymous]

It's possible that DD is tired by the time the weekend rolls around. 9th is a big adjustment. She might want to see her friends but doesn't want it enough to actually do it. My DD had friends at school but never saw them on the weekend. She liked them enough but not enough to give up her free time.