Is this correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My three yr old is very into who has a penis and who has a vagina. Today I overheard him tell his very “woke” nanny that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Nanny responded, “Well, most boys have penises and most girls have vaginas but not all”.

Is that the right way to handle it?!

I can’t believe we’re really doing this...

I love your nanny's response.

signed,
Child Psychologist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My three yr old is very into who has a penis and who has a vagina. Today I overheard him tell his very “woke” nanny that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Nanny responded, “Well, most boys have penises and most girls have vaginas but not all”.

Is that the right way to handle it?!

I can’t believe we’re really doing this...

I love your nanny's response.

signed,
Child Psychologist

Thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very confusing to a 3 year old. They are just starting to master the differences in body parts. I don’t think the nanny is being age appropriate. The answer is vague and leaves the kid confused. I know my four year old would immediately want to know which ones don’t have which body parts and could just imagine him pointing to everyone he sees and asking me loudly whether that one has a vagina or not.

Imagine the boy had said "Women have babies." and then the nanny said "Well, some women have babies and some women do not." Something tells me you would not have concerns about this being too confusing, and it's the exact same concept. The way preschoolers learn to think beyond black and white is through experience of things that are not black and white.

And the way to handle a child asking in public whether certain people have vaginas is to say "That's a private part. We don't talk about private parts in public."

I think this would be too confusing. You don’t talk to three year olds like that. If they say, “dogs say ‘woof, woof’” you don’t correct them or discuss the different types of barks a dog might make.
Something tells me that you don’t know a lot of three year olds.

Or maybe you don’t. Some dogs, like Granny’s say arf arf. And what does Aunt Tina’s puppy say? What about Uncle Randy’s husky?

That’s what you say to your 3 year old?

Sometimes, I go to the teen forum and I wonder how so many great parents have kids who are defiant, smoking pot, etc. Then I read posts like this, and I remember why.

You'll have to draw the lines for me for correlating talking about different kinds of sounds a dog could make with smoking pot!
Who knew "Arf Arf" is a gateway to drugs!!

The line is that as soon as they learn to talk, your child can never say anything right. They are always wrong and never good enough for you.
- boys have penises. - some boys do.
- dogs go "woof", - no, listen to nana's dog,
- the sky is blue - well, sometimes it's blue and sometimes it's other colors...

This leave kids feeling a little anxious and insecure. So, you get the DCUM teens...overachievers at school, who are still never good enough, never right, and always anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team nanny here. It’s both the age appropriate and correct answer. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

But boys do have penises and girls do have vaginas. Are there men without penises? Sure. But OP's kid said an irrefutably true statement that does not preclude any nuanced understandings of gender. Logic 101.

I agree with this. Basically a kid that age is referring to other kids. You could get into a more detailed nuanced conversation about the available surgeries for older folks who want to have their penis removed or have a penis added to their body, but I'd probably delay a conversation like that way past three. I'd think it was a better idea to start with the basic biological realities that a three-yr-old wants to understand.

Other kids are sometimes inter sexed or even transgender. No one is discussing surgery on sex organs here; just recognizing that anatomy and sense of self and the way they go together can and do vary.

Life could be easier for the kids we’re talking about and your kid could help by not bringing oversimplified concepts to their interactions. I sure as hell hope mine will do the same (and FWIW he had no difficulty understanding it because he also knows trans and gender nonconforming adults).

So you've got an agenda. Your focus is not on the psychological well-being or age appropriate development of OP's child. But OP's focus is on her child, and on what is age appropriate and good for her child's development right now. She doesn't need to worry about whether her 3 year old is making inclusive gender statements for hypothetical people he has never met.

My agenda is that my kid grow up to be kind and to accept with interest the incredible range of human normal in himself and everyone else. Isn't this what everyone wants?

The easiest way to do that, by far, is to set kids up for it early--not to teach a hard-line binary distinction and hope the more complicated questions don't get discussed on your watch as a parent.

When my son was three, the path for that included what the nanny said. What she said was perfect and all that needed to be said at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very confusing to a 3 year old. They are just starting to master the differences in body parts. I don’t think the nanny is being age appropriate. The answer is vague and leaves the kid confused. I know my four year old would immediately want to know which ones don’t have which body parts and could just imagine him pointing to everyone he sees and asking me loudly whether that one has a vagina or not.

Imagine the boy had said "Women have babies." and then the nanny said "Well, some women have babies and some women do not." Something tells me you would not have concerns about this being too confusing, and it's the exact same concept. The way preschoolers learn to think beyond black and white is through experience of things that are not black and white.

And the way to handle a child asking in public whether certain people have vaginas is to say "That's a private part. We don't talk about private parts in public."

I think this would be too confusing. You don’t talk to three year olds like that. If they say, “dogs say ‘woof, woof’” you don’t correct them or discuss the different types of barks a dog might make.
Something tells me that you don’t know a lot of three year olds.

Or maybe you don’t. Some dogs, like Granny’s say arf arf. And what does Aunt Tina’s puppy say? What about Uncle Randy’s husky?

That’s what you say to your 3 year old?

Sometimes, I go to the teen forum and I wonder how so many great parents have kids who are defiant, smoking pot, etc. Then I read posts like this, and I remember why.

You'll have to draw the lines for me for correlating talking about different kinds of sounds a dog could make with smoking pot!
Who knew "Arf Arf" is a gateway to drugs!!

The line is that as soon as they learn to talk, your child can never say anything right. They are always wrong and never good enough for you.
- boys have penises. - some boys do.
- dogs go "woof", - no, listen to nana's dog,
- the sky is blue - well, sometimes it's blue and sometimes it's other colors...

This leave kids feeling a little anxious and insecure. So, you get the DCUM teens...overachievers at school, who are still never good enough, never right, and always anxious.

It’s all in the delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team nanny here. It’s both the age appropriate and correct answer. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

But boys do have penises and girls do have vaginas. Are there men without penises? Sure. But OP's kid said an irrefutably true statement that does not preclude any nuanced understandings of gender. Logic 101.

I agree with this. Basically a kid that age is referring to other kids. You could get into a more detailed nuanced conversation about the available surgeries for older folks who want to have their penis removed or have a penis added to their body, but I'd probably delay a conversation like that way past three. I'd think it was a better idea to start with the basic biological realities that a three-yr-old wants to understand.

Other kids are sometimes inter sexed or even transgender. No one is discussing surgery on sex organs here; just recognizing that anatomy and sense of self and the way they go together can and do vary.

Life could be easier for the kids we’re talking about and your kid could help by not bringing oversimplified concepts to their interactions. I sure as hell hope mine will do the same (and FWIW he had no difficulty understanding it because he also knows trans and gender nonconforming adults).

So you've got an agenda. Your focus is not on the psychological well-being or age appropriate development of OP's child. But OP's focus is on her child, and on what is age appropriate and good for her child's development right now. She doesn't need to worry about whether her 3 year old is making inclusive gender statements for hypothetical people he has never met.

My agenda is that my kid grow up to be kind and to accept with interest the incredible range of human normal in himself and everyone else. Isn't this what everyone wants?

The easiest way to do that, by far, is to set kids up for it early--not to teach a hard-line binary distinction and hope the more complicated questions don't get discussed on your watch as a parent.

When my son was three, the path for that included what the nanny said. What she said was perfect and all that needed to be said at that age.

Teach your toddler to be nice to people, even people who are different from them. That is all that kids need at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My three yr old is very into who has a penis and who has a vagina. Today I overheard him tell his very “woke” nanny that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Nanny responded, “Well, most boys have penises and most girls have vaginas but not all”.

Is that the right way to handle it?

Yes. It’s perfection.

They can learn that it’s actually a vulva that’s visible later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very confusing to a 3 year old. They are just starting to master the differences in body parts. I don’t think the nanny is being age appropriate. The answer is vague and leaves the kid confused. I know my four year old would immediately want to know which ones don’t have which body parts and could just imagine him pointing to everyone he sees and asking me loudly whether that one has a vagina or not.

Imagine the boy had said "Women have babies." and then the nanny said "Well, some women have babies and some women do not." Something tells me you would not have concerns about this being too confusing, and it's the exact same concept. The way preschoolers learn to think beyond black and white is through experience of things that are not black and white.

And the way to handle a child asking in public whether certain people have vaginas is to say "That's a private part. We don't talk about private parts in public."

I think this would be too confusing. You don’t talk to three year olds like that. If they say, “dogs say ‘woof, woof’” you don’t correct them or discuss the different types of barks a dog might make.
Something tells me that you don’t know a lot of three year olds.

Why is it bad for a kid (or anyone) to be confused? I think this is a good lesson that things are not always black and white. I doubt thinking about it will keep the 3 year old awake at night or cause any issues for him. It may just be something that he thinks or asks about again later and that’s ok.

Lots of things are confusing. Kids are still trying to make sense of the world. They are trying to put things into categories that they can understand so that they can gain a little confidence to go out into the world.
And of course it would cause issues for a kid if, instead of making the world simpler for them, every time they had a question you gave a confusing and nebulous answer.

That’s all fine but it’s also good for kids to know that not everything or everyone fits into a certain category. The only reason not to let them know that there is ambiguity is because of our own insecurities not because that’s what’s best for the kid. I can see how this could be a bit confusing for a kid. But you act like being a little confused is a bad thing; it’s not. It just helps kids/all people learn how to think more deeply about something and understand that the world doesn’t all fit into neat little categories and that’s ok,

No. it isn't.

I am guessing you aren't a parent, because if you were, you would know this. But you can read a little on child development if you wish.
Little kids make sense of the world by putting things into categories. If you tell them 200 times a day that there aren't categories and life is gray and nebulous, it isn't good.

Yes. You can help an 8 year old think a little more deeply, but not a 3 year old.

So you think a 3 year old will be scarred if someone tells them that not all boys have penises? Seriously what’s the harm in that? I’m not suggesting every single they try to categorize be over explained and placed in a gray area. It would be damaging if every time the child makes a statement/observation it’s challenged. So if this nanny had a habit of challenging the 3 year old about everything (well, actually that’s not blue that’s cerulean, etc) that would be a problem as it can make the kid very insecure and be upsetting. But in this case, I truly don’t see the harm in the nanny letting the kid know that while his comment is often true, it’s not true for everyone. Maybe this will be a topic the kid wants to discuss again later or maybe he didn’t even register what the nanny said. He’s 3 so it could go either way. But it’s totally not a big deal and I think anyone who thinks it is is very close/narrow minded and scared of the nuances of gender themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very confusing to a 3 year old. They are just starting to master the differences in body parts. I don’t think the nanny is being age appropriate. The answer is vague and leaves the kid confused. I know my four year old would immediately want to know which ones don’t have which body parts and could just imagine him pointing to everyone he sees and asking me loudly whether that one has a vagina or not.

Imagine the boy had said "Women have babies." and then the nanny said "Well, some women have babies and some women do not." Something tells me you would not have concerns about this being too confusing, and it's the exact same concept. The way preschoolers learn to think beyond black and white is through experience of things that are not black and white.

And the way to handle a child asking in public whether certain people have vaginas is to say "That's a private part. We don't talk about private parts in public."

I think this would be too confusing. You don’t talk to three year olds like that. If they say, “dogs say ‘woof, woof’” you don’t correct them or discuss the different types of barks a dog might make.
Something tells me that you don’t know a lot of three year olds.

Why is it bad for a kid (or anyone) to be confused? I think this is a good lesson that things are not always black and white. I doubt thinking about it will keep the 3 year old awake at night or cause any issues for him. It may just be something that he thinks or asks about again later and that’s ok.

Lots of things are confusing. Kids are still trying to make sense of the world. They are trying to put things into categories that they can understand so that they can gain a little confidence to go out into the world.
And of course it would cause issues for a kid if, instead of making the world simpler for them, every time they had a question you gave a confusing and nebulous answer.

That’s all fine but it’s also good for kids to know that not everything or everyone fits into a certain category. The only reason not to let them know that there is ambiguity is because of our own insecurities not because that’s what’s best for the kid. I can see how this could be a bit confusing for a kid. But you act like being a little confused is a bad thing; it’s not. It just helps kids/all people learn how to think more deeply about something and understand that the world doesn’t all fit into neat little categories and that’s ok,

No. it isn't.

I am guessing you aren't a parent, because if you were, you would know this. But you can read a little on child development if you wish.
Little kids make sense of the world by putting things into categories. If you tell them 200 times a day that there aren't categories and life is gray and nebulous, it isn't good.

Yes. You can help an 8 year old think a little more deeply, but not a 3 year old.

DP. My four year old wants to put things in categories sure and sometimes I support that and sometimes I challenge it. I can't imagine that any parent doesn't introduce some complexity or ambiguity into their kid's categories of the world. You're supposed to be helping them learn to think, not just validating whatever schema they develop at age 3.

If she says "girls wear skirts" I'll push back on that, and I imagine most people would. The same goes for genital questions. My four year old knows trans people closely and she's much LESS confused by that ambiguity than she is by the fact that I sometimes call her coat a jacket.

This reminded me that at 3 and 4 years old, my older kid used to have full-out tantrums if you called a coat a jacket, or vice versa. It was insane.

Personally, it wouldn't have occurred to me to say anything ambiguous about genitalia, but it's true that I certainly would and have about many other categories (hair color, skin color, "children always have a mommy and a daddy" etc). So in this situation it's not how I likely would have responded, but I would not have contradicted the nanny, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid (4) has a trans parent so that's what we've had to teach. She's not been confused in the least.

To be fair though I sometimes refer to dogs as barking and sometimes refer to them as woofing so maybe it's just a matter of time before she starts smoking pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is very confusing to a 3 year old. They are just starting to master the differences in body parts. I don’t think the nanny is being age appropriate. The answer is vague and leaves the kid confused. I know my four year old would immediately want to know which ones don’t have which body parts and could just imagine him pointing to everyone he sees and asking me loudly whether that one has a vagina or not.

Imagine the boy had said "Women have babies." and then the nanny said "Well, some women have babies and some women do not." Something tells me you would not have concerns about this being too confusing, and it's the exact same concept. The way preschoolers learn to think beyond black and white is through experience of things that are not black and white.

And the way to handle a child asking in public whether certain people have vaginas is to say "That's a private part. We don't talk about private parts in public."

Or imagine that the chid had said, "People have eyes and noses." And the nanny responded, "Well yes, many people have eyes and noses, but not all. Some don't." It's a fact that people have eyes and noses. It's also a fact that not all people have eyes or noses, but saying this to a child this age is unnecessary and needlessly confusing. The vast majority of people have eyes and noses, and there's no reason to mention otherwise unless they encounter someone who obviously has no eyes or nose.[/quote

+1

[Anonymous]

Way too complicated.

[Anonymous]

Do you folks realize that there are more persons born yearly who are intersex than who are redheads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you folks realize that there are more persons born yearly who are intersex than who are redheads?

Sure, if you add in conditions like PCOS, which nobody outside of people trying to gin up these numbers does.