s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do know someone who is VERY needy with my time and will not take no for an answer.

She wants to hang out with me all the time and I had to be a little more upfront with her. If you try to push the hangout off she will follow up and push until you agree. Just turning down an invitation wasn't enough.

If she sees a picture of me doing something with other friends she will message me saying when are we going to do that. She only wants to hang out one on one so it's not like she is pushing to be included.

Frankly, hanging out with her is draining. Covid in some ways has made things easier, but she was very upset not to be included in my bubble (she has a job where she interacts with a lot of people and has had multiple scares so this was truly a safety reason, but she was still insulted). So I do think there are situations where you need to be more upfront.

I agree this is a real issue (tho not at all what the other thread was about). I do think there’s a real question in this case as to whether you should just be direct or try to fade out. I had an acquaintance like this and did the long fade out, but it actually seemed to make things worse. I remember once she invited me to a holiday thing and it was like the 11th invite I’d gotten from her in three months (all of which is politely declined without specifying a reason). I decided to just not reply at all and see what happened because I was exhausted and didn’t know how else to communicate that I wasn’t interested. Well, she got really angry and told me to my face that she thought I was a b*tch and talked negatively about me to mutual friends. I was stunned, because I’ve definitely had people just not RSVP to a group event before and never thought it was a big deal. I don’t know why she was do hurt (I’m a good friend but we just did not have compatible personalities, so it’s not like she was missing out anything).

So in that case I do wonder if it would have been better to say, “Sorry Larla, I appreciate the invites but I’m just not in the market for a new friend right now.” Maybe being more direct would have helped. Though I should note that it still would have been a lie, as I would have been happy to make a new friend at that point, I just wasn’t into this woman as a friend.

But this is a specific situation.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to make fetch happen. This spin off is super attention seeking.

[Anonymous]

I also thought it was disrespectful to lie to them and give them false hope that we would hang out soon. I had enough on my plate that the party was all the social events I had time for.

So I used the line a lot, and then we would move and continue the conversation. But based on the responses here, I shouldn't have done that? I feel like I'm missing something here.

So nothing wrong, at all, with what you said. But you don't expect these people to ever ask again, do you? If you want to get together in the future, you'd have to initiate.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why people here feel the need to tell people that their social life is full. It's so cheap and screams attention seeker.

Just politely decline. If someone declined an offer from me twice, I would just stop asking. Done, moved on. And I would expect the same from someone else, I wouldn't expect constant invitations if I'm not joining.

Telling someone that is just being friendly that you have no room for them in your very full of yourself life is beyond gross, but then again, my mother actually taught me manners and that there was never a need to go out of my way to make someone else feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Who says level up?

[Anonymous]

As I get older I feel that spark at first sight less often and find friendships develop more often from proximity or in some cases the other person’s persistence. In other words I find many friendships are maybe less about simpático connections and more about putting in the work. I also feel less likely to reject at least a casual friend than I may once have been. I once did have to break up with a woman who was super annoying but in general I’m happy to accept casual friendships as they appear and I think deeper bonds develop over time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days"

I actually think this is not a good response (thought I don't know what would be a good response)
This could invoke sympathy. You're overwhelmed. Maybe this person could help, or lend you some support in some way
That would be the action of some nice people.

It depends how close you are. I wouldn’t comfortable offering specific help to someone I didn’t know well — for people I know better, I’m happy to say “hey can I drop off dinner” or “can I take your kids to the park with us later this week” or whatever (assuming no plague) — but if someone who’s a casual acquaintance, even one I would like to be better friends with, I don’t want to be overly familiar. I might say “let me know if I can help” but I wouldn’t expect them to take me up on it unless it was an emergency. (I took care of a casual acquaintance’s toddler for a day while she was having an emergency c-section, and we have indeed become much closer since then, but that’s unusual.) Anyway I guess what I mean is that a vague excuse is not likely to meet with a specific offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days"

I actually think this is not a good response (thought I don't know what would be a good response)
This could invoke sympathy. You're overwhelmed. Maybe this person could help, or lend you some support in some way
That would be the action of some nice people.

It depends how close you are. I wouldn’t comfortable offering specific help to someone I didn’t know well — for people I know better, I’m happy to say “hey can I drop off dinner” or “can I take your kids to the park with us later this week” or whatever (assuming no plague) — but if someone who’s a casual acquaintance, even one I would like to be better friends with, I don’t want to be overly familiar. I might say “let me know if I can help” but I wouldn’t expect them to take me up on it unless it was an emergency. (I took care of a casual acquaintance’s toddler for a day while she was having an emergency c-section, and we have indeed become much closer since then, but that’s unusual.) Anyway I guess what I mean is that a vague excuse is not likely to meet with a specific offer.

I agree. The point is that you're saying this to people you aren't yet good friends with, and people aren't going to randomly offer to help you out because you say generally that you're really busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people here feel the need to tell people that their social life is full. It's so cheap and screams attention seeker.

Just politely decline. If someone declined an offer from me twice, I would just stop asking. Done, moved on. And I would expect the same from someone else, I wouldn't expect constant invitations if I'm not joining.

Telling someone that is just being friendly that you have no room for them in your very full of yourself life is beyond gross, but then again, my mother actually taught me manners and that there was never a need to go out of my way to make someone else feel bad.

+1

You don't need to reject an "overture of friendship." You decline the specific invitation. If you decline multiple such invitations, without issuing any invitations of your own, you will have de facto rejected the overture of friendship, but without making a gratuitously hurtful announcement.