s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?

[Anonymous]

The east coast/west coast observation up thread is so true. Something I miss about California. No commitment to be BFFs forever just because you accept an invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.

If you said that to me I would get the picture and not bother you again. Probably would wave hello at " Larla's soccer game" but never again approach you. Maybe that is your goal? It sounds like you wouldn't be a good friend anyway so it would be a win win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The east coast/west coast observation up thread is so true. Something I miss about California. No commitment to be BFFs forever just because you accept an invite.

yes. there is definitely an underlying pressure in the DMV.

I have had the parents of kids my own kids know from school try to invite themselves on trips to Europe when we were returning to visit our family of origin. Even when I said "it is a duty trip just to see family" they were not deterred.

I have had people from the same country as I'm from - who I have spoken to casually inside a store or library, give me their card and say we should meet up. It is awkward when you see them again and haven't called them - but I have never made the promise to do so, because I never had any intention of doing so, but I won't be any less friendly if I do see them again. Simply coming from the same country of origin is not enough to interest me beyond "oh hello"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.

I mean, it soo depends on the context and the specific words. But it seems like you're envisioning it as more of a discrete "will you be my friend?" where you make a permanent decision instead of something that develops organically. Personally if I asked someone, "hey, want to grab a cup of coffee before the pickup time for the kids' hockey camp?" and the response was, "my entire life is busy right now, I can't handle any social interaction," I would have a major WTF reaction and feel like that person was self-important. Like, I wasn't asking about your whole life, just seeing if you were free one time. I was trying to take the first step towards closer friendship, and you responded like I was trying to lay a claim on half your free time.

Imagine you invite an acquaintance to your holiday party at your house. If they come, maybe you get to chatting, maybe you learn about a mutual interest, eventually grab a coffee one on one, and over time become closer friends. Nice and organic. But instead imagine you invite the acquaintance and instead of RSVP'ing no, they send you a note saying "thanks, but you're just a random fellow soccer mom who I don't know very well; I don't have room in my life for new friendships." That's how your more direct response would come across to me.

+1

It's like someone inviting you on a vacation and you respond with "sorry, I really don't want to move to a new place right now."

The woman in the other thread acted like OP wanted her to adopt OP's kid if OP died suddenly.

There is a mom who wants to take our friendship to the next level. When I first met her, she asked me to hang out with her friends. I declined. She asked to double date. Never responded. Ask us to go to their vacation home together. I told her it sounded fun and never mentioned it ever again. She was always willing to host play dates and pick up/drive my child home from an activity.

One day she invited me to restaurant that looked interesting. I had nothing planned and was hungry. I went and met another mom that I really liked. Our kids are now good friends and in the same class. DH gets along with the dad.

I never took the friendship to the next level but we are still acquaintances and our kids are friends. There is no need to be rude.

As long as you didn't freeze out the other mom than it is ok but, if you did than you are a user.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post is proof that girls don't grow up.

Not all women are like op. Or are you saying you are one of "the girls?"

[Anonymous]

OP here!! Wow! This is one of the most fascinating threads I've read on DCUM in a long time. To clarify, I've never done this, nor am I thinking of doing this. I was just reading the post that inspired this (https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/933208.page) and I got to the point where the OP said she was mortified and I was SHOCKED. It just didn't occur to me that anything was wrong or weird with what that person had said to her. So I expected that thread to be all people saying "OMG you're being so dramatic! She doesn't have time for more friends, it's not about you! There's no reason to be embarrassed!" but then the whole thread was full of people saying the other person was terribly rude!

So - I've realized that I'm the alien in this situation. Good to know! Thanks to everyone for your responses.

In thinking about it more, if it had been me, I wouldn't have said anything about "in the market" (that is weird).

But again, for me personally, I would vastly prefer to be told "I'm not in the market for new friends" (even with the weird market language, there's no market!) than "I'm busy" in this situation. Because I like clarity and direct communication. But apparently the Golden Rule does not apply here because I'm an outlier.

Very interesting. I'll have to ask some of my friends what they think!

[Anonymous]

Why would this person even bother with you, OP? Stuck up b!tch alert. I hope that this person finds some real friends, since you clearly don’t know how to be one.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but hits home a bit! I've done this A LOT. I'm so surprised by the responses here.

A couple years ago, this wasn't a hypothetical for me! I was having an extremely difficult time. Stressful job with long hours, both parents were diagnosed with terminal illness (one has passed, one got lucky with cancer). I had to travel often to visit them, as they weren't local. We were also planning a wedding. It was a busy time, and my week days were work, my weekends were work / travel, and I was pulling together a wedding with my partner.

I'd go to parties, happy hours, etc. to see people, and get asked "we should hang out more! Let's grab coffee/drinks/hang out." And I would tell them something like "I would love to see them, but I'm completely swamped these days." I don't want to talk at a party about how both my parents are dying, my mom can't remember my name, and isn't getting the care I want. Or that my dad is forgetting to pay bills, and I've started doing that for him. The whole point of going to the party was to get away from that. For some people, I didn't want to talk about the wedding. But I also thought it was disrespectful to lie to them and give them false hope that we would hang out soon. I had enough on my plate that the party was all the social events I had time for.

So I used the line a lot, and then we would move and continue the conversation. But based on the responses here, I shouldn't have done that? I feel like I'm missing something here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here!! Wow! This is one of the most fascinating threads I've read on DCUM in a long time. To clarify, I've never done this, nor am I thinking of doing this. I was just reading the post that inspired this (https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/933208.page) and I got to the point where the OP said she was mortified and I was SHOCKED. It just didn't occur to me that anything was wrong or weird with what that person had said to her. So I expected that thread to be all people saying "OMG you're being so dramatic! She doesn't have time for more friends, it's not about you! There's no reason to be embarrassed!" but then the whole thread was full of people saying the other person was terribly rude!

So - I've realized that I'm the alien in this situation. Good to know! Thanks to everyone for your responses.

In thinking about it more, if it had been me, I wouldn't have said anything about "in the market" (that is weird).

But again, for me personally, I would vastly prefer to be told "I'm not in the market for new friends" (even with the weird market language, there's no market!) than "I'm busy" in this situation. Because I like clarity and direct communication. But apparently the Golden Rule does not apply here because I'm an outlier.

Very interesting. I'll have to ask some of my friends what they think!

It's news to you that words have meanings and people have feelings? How have you survived this long having no manners and no tact? The world doesn't revolve around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but hits home a bit! I've done this A LOT. I'm so surprised by the responses here.

A couple years ago, this wasn't a hypothetical for me! I was having an extremely difficult time. Stressful job with long hours, both parents were diagnosed with terminal illness (one has passed, one got lucky with cancer). I had to travel often to visit them, as they weren't local. We were also planning a wedding. It was a busy time, and my week days were work, my weekends were work / travel, and I was pulling together a wedding with my partner.

I'd go to parties, happy hours, etc. to see people, and get asked "we should hang out more! Let's grab coffee/drinks/hang out." And I would tell them something like "I would love to see them, but I'm completely swamped these days." I don't want to talk at a party about how both my parents are dying, my mom can't remember my name, and isn't getting the care I want. Or that my dad is forgetting to pay bills, and I've started doing that for him. The whole point of going to the party was to get away from that. For some people, I didn't want to talk about the wedding. But I also thought it was disrespectful to lie to them and give them false hope that we would hang out soon. I had enough on my plate that the party was all the social events I had time for.

So I used the line a lot, and then we would move and continue the conversation. But based on the responses here, I shouldn't have done that? I feel like I'm missing something here.

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days" is fine. "I don't want to be your friend," or any variation of that ("I'm not in the market for new friends," "I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments," whatever, is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but hits home a bit! I've done this A LOT. I'm so surprised by the responses here.

A couple years ago, this wasn't a hypothetical for me! I was having an extremely difficult time. Stressful job with long hours, both parents were diagnosed with terminal illness (one has passed, one got lucky with cancer). I had to travel often to visit them, as they weren't local. We were also planning a wedding. It was a busy time, and my week days were work, my weekends were work / travel, and I was pulling together a wedding with my partner.

I'd go to parties, happy hours, etc. to see people, and get asked "we should hang out more! Let's grab coffee/drinks/hang out." And I would tell them something like "I would love to see them, but I'm completely swamped these days." I don't want to talk at a party about how both my parents are dying, my mom can't remember my name, and isn't getting the care I want. Or that my dad is forgetting to pay bills, and I've started doing that for him. The whole point of going to the party was to get away from that. For some people, I didn't want to talk about the wedding. But I also thought it was disrespectful to lie to them and give them false hope that we would hang out soon. I had enough on my plate that the party was all the social events I had time for.

So I used the line a lot, and then we would move and continue the conversation. But based on the responses here, I shouldn't have done that? I feel like I'm missing something here.

I think "I'm swamped right now" is different from I don't need more friends or I'm not interested now or ever or I'd rather chew off my own arm than be trapped by your fire pit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here!! Wow! This is one of the most fascinating threads I've read on DCUM in a long time. To clarify, I've never done this, nor am I thinking of doing this. I was just reading the post that inspired this (https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/933208.page) and I got to the point where the OP said she was mortified and I was SHOCKED. It just didn't occur to me that anything was wrong or weird with what that person had said to her. So I expected that thread to be all people saying "OMG you're being so dramatic! She doesn't have time for more friends, it's not about you! There's no reason to be embarrassed!" but then the whole thread was full of people saying the other person was terribly rude!

So - I've realized that I'm the alien in this situation. Good to know! Thanks to everyone for your responses.

In thinking about it more, if it had been me, I wouldn't have said anything about "in the market" (that is weird).

But again, for me personally, I would vastly prefer to be told "I'm not in the market for new friends" (even with the weird market language, there's no market!) than "I'm busy" in this situation. Because I like clarity and direct communication. But apparently the Golden Rule does not apply here because I'm an outlier.

Very interesting. I'll have to ask some of my friends what they think!

You really can't see why telling someone inviting you to have a cup of coffee or grab lunch that you don't want to be friends with them is unnecessarily rude? And incredibly presumptuous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but hits home a bit! I've done this A LOT. I'm so surprised by the responses here.

A couple years ago, this wasn't a hypothetical for me! I was having an extremely difficult time. Stressful job with long hours, both parents were diagnosed with terminal illness (one has passed, one got lucky with cancer). I had to travel often to visit them, as they weren't local. We were also planning a wedding. It was a busy time, and my week days were work, my weekends were work / travel, and I was pulling together a wedding with my partner.

I'd go to parties, happy hours, etc. to see people, and get asked "we should hang out more! Let's grab coffee/drinks/hang out." And I would tell them something like "I would love to see them, but I'm completely swamped these days." I don't want to talk at a party about how both my parents are dying, my mom can't remember my name, and isn't getting the care I want. Or that my dad is forgetting to pay bills, and I've started doing that for him. The whole point of going to the party was to get away from that. For some people, I didn't want to talk about the wedding. But I also thought it was disrespectful to lie to them and give them false hope that we would hang out soon. I had enough on my plate that the party was all the social events I had time for.

So I used the line a lot, and then we would move and continue the conversation. But based on the responses here, I shouldn't have done that? I feel like I'm missing something here.

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days" is fine. "I don't want to be your friend," or any variation of that ("I'm not in the market for new friends," "I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments," whatever, is rude.

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days" and "I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments" don't seem that different to me. Is it the "I'd love to?" So, "I'd love to, but I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments" would be okay?

[Anonymous]

When I've been in a personal/professional place where I just don't have bandwidth for more stuff, I just say "I'm super swamped right now, but maybe when things calm down a little?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but hits home a bit! I've done this A LOT. I'm so surprised by the responses here.

A couple years ago, this wasn't a hypothetical for me! I was having an extremely difficult time. Stressful job with long hours, both parents were diagnosed with terminal illness (one has passed, one got lucky with cancer). I had to travel often to visit them, as they weren't local. We were also planning a wedding. It was a busy time, and my week days were work, my weekends were work / travel, and I was pulling together a wedding with my partner.

I'd go to parties, happy hours, etc. to see people, and get asked "we should hang out more! Let's grab coffee/drinks/hang out." And I would tell them something like "I would love to see them, but I'm completely swamped these days." I don't want to talk at a party about how both my parents are dying, my mom can't remember my name, and isn't getting the care I want. Or that my dad is forgetting to pay bills, and I've started doing that for him. The whole point of going to the party was to get away from that. For some people, I didn't want to talk about the wedding. But I also thought it was disrespectful to lie to them and give them false hope that we would hang out soon. I had enough on my plate that the party was all the social events I had time for.

So I used the line a lot, and then we would move and continue the conversation. But based on the responses here, I shouldn't have done that? I feel like I'm missing something here.

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days" is fine. "I don't want to be your friend," or any variation of that ("I'm not in the market for new friends," "I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments," whatever, is rude.

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days" and "I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments" don't seem that different to me. Is it the "I'd love to?" So, "I'd love to, but I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments" would be okay?

One sounds like something I’d say to someone asking me to volunteer or do something that would require something I’d consider work like, being on the pta or cooking for a bake sale. If you think of my proposed fun socia engagement sounds like something you categorize like a pta meeting then I’ll believe you have no interest in a friendship