s/o How do you politely, but without lying, reject overtures of friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but hits home a bit! I've done this A LOT. I'm so surprised by the responses here.

A couple years ago, this wasn't a hypothetical for me! I was having an extremely difficult time. Stressful job with long hours, both parents were diagnosed with terminal illness (one has passed, one got lucky with cancer). I had to travel often to visit them, as they weren't local. We were also planning a wedding. It was a busy time, and my week days were work, my weekends were work / travel, and I was pulling together a wedding with my partner.

I'd go to parties, happy hours, etc. to see people, and get asked "we should hang out more! Let's grab coffee/drinks/hang out." And I would tell them something like "I would love to see them, but I'm completely swamped these days." I don't want to talk at a party about how both my parents are dying, my mom can't remember my name, and isn't getting the care I want. Or that my dad is forgetting to pay bills, and I've started doing that for him. The whole point of going to the party was to get away from that. For some people, I didn't want to talk about the wedding. But I also thought it was disrespectful to lie to them and give them false hope that we would hang out soon. I had enough on my plate that the party was all the social events I had time for.

So I used the line a lot, and then we would move and continue the conversation. But based on the responses here, I shouldn't have done that? I feel like I'm missing something here.

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days" is fine. "I don't want to be your friend," or any variation of that ("I'm not in the market for new friends," "I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments," whatever, is rude.

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days" and "I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments" don't seem that different to me. Is it the "I'd love to?" So, "I'd love to, but I'm not looking to take on any new social commitments" would be okay?

One sounds like something I’d say to someone asking me to volunteer or do something that would require something I’d consider work like, being on the pta or cooking for a bake sale. If you think of my proposed fun socia engagement sounds like something you categorize like a pta meeting then I’ll believe you have no interest in a friendship

And to follow up no it’s not just the I’d love to it’s the whole construction. You’re making someone feel like a slot on the calendar. “I’d love to but I don’t think I’d be able to do anything for a few months” says the same thing without making you sound like a Google calendar invitation

[Anonymous]

If someone invites you to a specific thing at a particular time and date and you want to do that thing and become better friends, you accept. If the time doesn’t work, you counterpropose. If the activity is emphatically not your jam but you do want to become better friends, you counterpropose: “Actually I can’t do long hikes because of a hip injury but would you be up for coffee?”

If you would like to become better friends but don’t have time right now, you say “Life is crazy [with any details you’d like to share] but I’d love to when things calm down” and then when things calm down you extend an invitation. Or you come up with a way to accommodate your circumstances — personally I’d be happy to come sit in the backyard for an hour and chat with someone who has a newborn after their big kids were in bed.

And if you don’t want to become better friends, you say “life is crazy” and never follow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP - I'm honestly not trying to mean girl anything! So you would just repeatedly say "I'm busy"?

I'm genuinely asking. I'm fine to learn that I'm the crazy one here, and I don't think I've ever actually been in a position to say this to someone, so it's not like I'm going around doing this. But I'm staging a hypothetical, and am quickly learning that what I would prefer to hear is very different from what other people would prefer to hear!

I'd honestly prefer someone to say something like "oh, it's so sweet of you to think of me! I'm actually at a crazy busy time of life right now, and just do not have time any more social commitments. See you at Larla's soccer game!" or whatever, compared to "oh, I'm busy that day" so I would know not to ask again.

If I like someone, I make time for them. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone invites you to a specific thing at a particular time and date and you want to do that thing and become better friends, you accept. If the time doesn’t work, you counterpropose. If the activity is emphatically not your jam but you do want to become better friends, you counterpropose: “Actually I can’t do long hikes because of a hip injury but would you be up for coffee?”

If you would like to become better friends but don’t have time right now, you say “Life is crazy [with any details you’d like to share] but I’d love to when things calm down” and then when things calm down you extend an invitation. Or you come up with a way to accommodate your circumstances — personally I’d be happy to come sit in the backyard for an hour and chat with someone who has a newborn after their big kids were in bed.

And if you don’t want to become better friends, you say “life is crazy” and never follow up.

This. None of this requires telling someone that you don't want to be friends with them, or you don't want to take your friendship to the "next level" or whatever. You just respond to each invitation as it comes.

[Anonymous]

I do know someone who is VERY needy with my time and will not take no for an answer.

She wants to hang out with me all the time and I had to be a little more upfront with her. If you try to push the hangout off she will follow up and push until you agree. Just turning down an invitation wasn't enough.

If she sees a picture of me doing something with other friends she will message me saying when are we going to do that. She only wants to hang out one on one so it's not like she is pushing to be included.

Frankly, hanging out with her is draining. Covid in some ways has made things easier, but she was very upset not to be included in my bubble (she has a job where she interacts with a lot of people and has had multiple scares so this was truly a safety reason, but she was still insulted). So I do think there are situations where you need to be more upfront.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, most people get the hint if you never reciprocate, invite them over or out for coffee etc. so get together with them once and then don’t reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is childish. Invest whatever time you want in the friendship. Self important announcements about the “status” level that you’re comfortable with are unnecessary.

This. At least it leaves the door open for some future closer interaction, which can happen. I grew closer and drifted apart and the grew closer with people over the years depending on our and their circumstances. But I never did or had any of them make any such declarative proclamations. While it’s relatively easier to start spending time with someone who before you managed to see once a year, it’s very difficult to come back from an honest pronouncement à la other thread’s woman where you point black told them their friendship is not wanted. It seals the door shut and makes even continuing the current level of interaction (meeting at mutual friend’s gatherings) very awkward. Really, unless you have ideological or value issue with someone that is unlikely to change, there is no need to burn a bridge with such declarations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone invites you to a specific thing at a particular time and date and you want to do that thing and become better friends, you accept. If the time doesn’t work, you counterpropose. If the activity is emphatically not your jam but you do want to become better friends, you counterpropose: “Actually I can’t do long hikes because of a hip injury but would you be up for coffee?”

If you would like to become better friends but don’t have time right now, you say “Life is crazy [with any details you’d like to share] but I’d love to when things calm down” and then when things calm down you extend an invitation. Or you come up with a way to accommodate your circumstances — personally I’d be happy to come sit in the backyard for an hour and chat with someone who has a newborn after their big kids were in bed.

And if you don’t want to become better friends, you say “life is crazy” and never follow up.

I wrote the above and just want to add: this does make it hard to tell the difference between someone who’s just not that into you and someone who likes you but has a crazy life/is kind of a flake. That’s okay. That’s working as designed.

[Anonymous]

"I'd love to, but I'm swamped these days"

I actually think this is not a good response (thought I don't know what would be a good response)
This could invoke sympathy. You're overwhelmed. Maybe this person could help, or lend you some support in some way
That would be the action of some nice people.

[Anonymous]

OP, considering "the other thread" generated 11 pages of responses, so far, you doing a S/O makes complete sense.

[Anonymous]

I think the, "I'm busy" is fine IF it's not accompanied with endless,"oh, we'll have to get together" or "call me next time you're doing ..." or other BS when you cross paths.

I know multiple people who say this multiple times, and it lasts for years. Why? If you really mean it, it's on you now to arrange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spin off from the thread about the awkward text response to a friendship overture.

What is the best way to respond to someone who either wants to be your friend or wants to "level up" your friendship (ex: acquaintances to closer friends) without lying?

Does your answer change if you generally like the person but just don't have the bandwidth for more friends vs. if you don't feel you click with the person?

Op just respond: "Don't you know who I am???? I was popular in HIIIGH SCHOOOOOOOLLLLLL.........."

[Anonymous]

Are you maybe the one who sent that " we aren't in the market for new friends right now" email?
Oh boy! I hope not!

Here's the answer. Be polite. Go to their invited event. Get over yourself! If you really do not like them, yes, come up with a few white lies that deflect further things. The goal is to be kind. Not all people are matches, but there is a requirement for kindness. I wouldn't say " Hey, we aren't in the market for new friends."

[Anonymous]

I’m actually in a similar situation. A mom of one of my children’s classmate has been trying to develop a friendship, but I’m not feeling it. She had been trying to have us over to her house right when Covid hit, so I didn’t have to deal with an actual invitation. However, she’s been texting and emailing a lot, and I feel incredibly rude not replying to them... so I do, but then I worry I’m leading her on.

She’s a totally decent human being... but not someone i feel compelled to make space for in my hectic life with 4 kids and a puppy.

I’d love to be blunt and tell her what the real deal is, but I haven’t because I’m trying to be polite. But somehow that feels wrong too.

[Anonymous]

It's harder to be friends with someone when you don't have a natural way of getting together - like I used to be better friends with someone I served on a committee with at the PTA level. We worked well together and genuinely liked each other. But her kids were in 5 and 3, and mine were in 4th and 2nd, and so post committee (and now post elementary school) we just don't run into each other naturally. And once kids go to different middle schools and different high schools, well, there's little chance.

So some of it is time, means, and opportunity

PP, I found your post interesting. Interesting because I usually know after a few encounters if I'd like to be closer friends. And act on it. In some small way. IF it tooks years and years ... what is the person waiting for?