DIL and a possible Millennial phrase

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be totally off-base, and perhaps extrapolating from my own MIL, but it sounds like in your effort to be nice, you are constantly hovering and offering. IF this is the case, she might appreciate if you told her that you have plenty of extras and to please let you know if she needs anything, and then back off so both of you can relax.

^^^this!

Yes. OP, I get that you want to be kind, but part of being kind is noticing when someone's preferences are different than yours. Your DIL doesn't want to be waited on. Leave her along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Millennial but I don't think this is particularly unique to my generation? Huh. Maybe it is.

It isn't. OP is literal and can't seem to follow context clues which is that her DIL is saying it's all good.

[Anonymous]

It's not a millennial phrase. It literally means "don't worry about it."

She probably feels like you are overbearing.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god, OP, you need to back off and stop offering.

My MIL was a hoverer with zero boundaries. When they visited we asked her over and over again not to try to reorganize our closets or put away our laundry while we were at work and she would do it anyway. She is hyper about helping and needing to be busy and useful. It was hard to authentically appreciate her because she didn't take no for an answer. DH and I finally just shut up and let her do things for us.

Then my FIL went off on me about how ungrateful and lazy I am, treating his wife like a servant.

It was insane. I no longer have anything to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They mean "Please, don't trouble yourself, sweet MIL, this is your vacation and we don't want to be a burden." Unless it's a more subtle way of saying "It's none of your business, we're adults and of course we brought our own toiletries." Hard to say without knowing more about your interactions. All else being equal, I'd assume the best!

Yes it could be politeness but, also, OP, are you by any chance really controlling and offering to "help" as a way to control? I could see a DIL decide that she didn't want to confront you directly but she also wasn't going to let you call the shots. But as pp said, it's hard to know without more info.

But here is a word of advice. This is something between you and your DIL. This is not a millennial thing. I get frustrated when people have issues with their families and they want to attribute it to generational differences that affect everyone across the board. Nope this is you and your DIL. Anyway hope she's just being really polite. Try to back off a little bit and enjoy yourself and let her be whomever she wants to be.

[Anonymous]

I get OP’s point though. The answer to “do you want some coffee?” Is either yes or no thank you. Not no worries. That being said, I think the DIL probably hates OP and that’s her way of saying to eff off without seeming to.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am probably your age. What has helped me is: if you wouldn't say it to a friends, don't say it to an adult child. That included -the way- you say/ask it.

"If they brought sunscreen" ... to a friend you would probably say, "I have sunscreen if you'd like to borrow it". That delivery is much better, not like you are checking-up on what they have done a good job of doing or not doing.

But likewise, with a friend, you would not put up with endless entitled, selfish behavior without saying something. Not sure your specific examples show that. Instead it shows that maybe they wish for less togetherness, something to think about. Everyone gets on everyone's nerves if together too long. I think it's been too long. Nothing fixes that except LESS time together.

You speak up if something hurts your feelings. That is reasonable. You speak up before it becomes a larger problem and creates resentment.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think "don't worry about it" can equate to a pleasant "no thank you" but if things are coming across as interfering or otherwise annoying I can see the "don't worry about it" becoming more repetitive and emphatic. Otherwise I think a person would use a variety of phrases to decline offers of help coming at different times. Generally, pay attention to how often and the tone.

Although I think "no worries" for "you're welcome" is too much like "no problem", which is really not the best way to say "you're welcome". I get that the idea is to convey that it is no inconvenience whatsoever but "you're welcome" covers that. And if it IS an inconvenience, you say something to the effect of "I really care about you and I want to help"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the minority, but I think it's rude to say "don't worry about it" instead of "no, thank you" if someone offers me something to eat or drink. I guess because I had "please" and "thank you" drilled into me as a child. I'm fifty.

46, also had please and thank you drilled in. But I also use “no worries”, particularly in an informal setting... like at a beach vacation.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a Millennial -older Gen X and I use no worries or "don't worry about it" with rather than' No Thank You' with a few of the Boomer older female relatives who are really pushy. They seem to interpret "No thank you" as meaning either "I really meant yes, so do it anyway" or "Maybe and please keep pestering over and over until I say yes". I think the "no thank you" signals to them that you are polite and this can be exploited to do or get what they want. Don't worry about it comes off as a brush off and is more effective with them.

I use "no thank you" with everyone else and they all respect no thank you as meaning no.