Do all dads get annoyed when they have to watch the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am at the end of my rope.
I have gone to the grocery store twice in the past 10 days and when I get home, it's been to an irritated, annoyed husband.
He admittedly gets extremely stressed out when watching the kids (1yo & 4yo).
When asked what is wrong, he says "you get to do whatever you want, when you want". (um hello I was at the grocery store buying food for our family).

He has many other issues (alcohol, adhd, anxiety), but my main question is, do other people deal with this on a daily basis? Or is this part of the bigger issues?
The push back and annoyance re: watching kids? Are all dads like this?

Other examples...
On Sunday I asked him to take our DS for a scooter ride and dog for a walk so I could clean the basement and put laundry away while the baby was napping.
He responds like a teenager, annoyed that I'm "kicking him out of the house because I decide it's time".
I would have loved to switch places in that scenario, but he won't put away laundry, so here we are..
If I am out at the store, he will call me "[Baby] is up" when she wakes up from a nap..and then get more & more irritated until I come home.
I have started saying "Ok, then take care of her", which I know is not going to help anything, but I.AM.SO.FED.UP.


I understand he needs "breaks" more than other people, and I'm not going to leave my kids in an unpleasant situation, so I primarily care for them on the weekend.
We both work FT during the week and I am the primary earner before anyone asks. I also do all bills/daycare/FSA/etc. He does cook.

If this is common, how you do deal with it?
I feel so guilty thinking of disrupting my kids nuclear family (they of course love him), but it is driving me crazy!
I literally have no time to myself, while he has the majority of a weekend day every weekend. When I point this out, his [extremely immature] response: you're the mom / you're the one who wanted kids..

I also worry that the kids will soon start to notice his impatience.
Friends and family have noticed it (for example, him getting frustrated w/ kids when we are out to dinner), so I know it's not just me...

Any advice is welcome.
When he CAN pull it together and stay calm, i love being together as a family. I still see the person I love and I want that so badly for my kids.

OK I read your whole note now. ADHD is no joke in a ManChild and it actually could be autism if he really can't connect with you or the kids either.

Short Term - during stupid quarantine time, do the following:
Act and behave as if you are a single parent with 3 kids.
The oldest kid you ignore for the most part. He gets too angry (i.e. anxiety) to handle anything and he is likely overwhelmed by life usually, and life today for sure. It sux, but can you write out everything he can actually do and handle? Could he do grocery shopping even if it takes him 2 hours and you 1 hour? Or is he also dim-witted and put your family/house at risk by touching all sorts of stuff, getting sneezed on, contaminating the car and house?

Long Term - at the same time do the following:
1) Get an individual therapist who understand ADHD, ASD, and verbal abuse (ultimately his reaction to your normal requests or comments is verbal abuse to you. Its gaslighting, it's put downs, it's deflecting, it's zero conflict resolution, it's lies, it's riddles, it's insults).
2) Get him tested by a psychiatrist for a neuropsych. Go to the initial one hour consult with him so the Dr can test the correct modules (ADHD, ASD, anxiety, bipolar, anger, etc.). Also hand doctor a sheet of all symptoms, patterns, how they escalated, triggers, etc.
3) See a few divorce attorneys with a one pager on the situation. Plan with therapist what you can cope with and what you cannot and exit timing.
4) Get a lot of friends and get social 1-2 nights a week. This may be difficult with a 1 yo... but get a support group going. Maybe even a wives of ASD / ADHD men.
5) Be ready to walk. This doesn't get better, you have to keep doing everything and know that you have a spouse you cannot count on. Maybe women cannot stay out of principle. Whats to look fw to once the kids are gone? Hopefully he loves his job and at least makes a long of money - outsource everything you can and buy yourself lots of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but my dad was definitely like this when I was growing up.

I remember my mom had to rush out of town for a week due to an ill family member and I thought my brother and I were going to starve. He didn't eat breakfast so he didn't make us breakfast. He was also used to sleeping in later than my mom so he'd get us up with minutes to spare before the bus came (and no, we did not have alarm clocks in our rooms back then). So there was no time to eat anything as we ran down the sidewalk, partially dressed. He also didn't "know how to" pack lunches so he told us to eat at school. I told him we needed lunch money for that and he ended up driving us to school that day to ask the office if that was true because when he went to school, lunch was free for everyone.

I just remember him saying over and over "your mother owes me for this! I'm going to take my own vacation when this is over!" She was caring for a sick relative but to him, she was off partying it up.

Whoa. I'm sorry about your dad. He made you feel loved, didn't he? That totally sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to grow up and get on some meds.

and find some good married couple friends with strong father figures. men need other role models/good influences around to help them be their best selves. some men join support groups, like fellowship groups through churches, or community groups. when the kids get to schoolage, dads often come together for coaching, etc.

but I've seen too often, men slip into weak, useless complainers without a support network. Women more naturally embrace motherhood, whereas men don't always, and then rely on their wife for everything. You need more people than just you to tell him to Man Up!

I tried that, but at that age it's too late. The bad habits and negative coping mechanisms are too ingrained. OP's husband learned how to be a husband and father from his father, for decades and decades and this is what you got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biologically, women tend to be more nurturing than men. Having said that, this plays more of a role only in the earlier years when there is less advanced level of social interaction with the child. Nonetheless, a man shouldn't be "annoyed" or treat it as a chore to have alone time with the kids. OP already pointed out DH has underlying problems and those are rather obviously interrelated with his "annoyance."

Nurturing and comforting is ONE thing. Teaching, talking, demonstrating, caring for a child's needs is another thing and yes Males can do it. My brothers and father are awesome dads, and all have 2-4 kids each and a happy wife.

So sad to read about this OP, I think the underlying issue is the mental health problems which may or may not be treatable at this point. They are also comorbid with many other things so may be piling up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced Dad here.

My ex-wife was a little like your husband. She thought she wanted kids until we had one. I did all the heavy lifting. She'd stay home in front of the TV while I'd take the baby out to Target or the playground or the park. Doctor and dental visits were on me. I toured the day cares and schools on my own. She couldn't tell you what size clothes or shoes to buy if her life depended on it. It wasn't postpartum. She was just living a life she didn't want, and one day she decided to move on from it. She's happier now, and honestly so are we.

Do you have full custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly believe that like 95% of men really don’t care if they ever have kids. So they have them because their wife wants them so badly and then the wife is mad when they’re ambivalent and disengaged.

Um no. Part of why I married my DH was his sheer enthusiasm about having kids. He loved his niece and nephew, he loved his friends kids. He was always asking to hold babies and wanted to play with the toddlers at parties. He just LOVES kids. Still does, and we have two. He loves our friends kids and always wants to kick a ball or play chase.

So sure, some men don't want kids, and those men should be upfront about that. But there are lots of men who very much desire kids and are wonderful, loving, capable fathers.

DP.. then your DH is part of the 5%. ^PP did not say 100% of men.

So only 5% of men can be capable and willing fathers? That's ridiculous. Yes some men are lazy losers, but the vast majority I know are not like that.