Reply to Do all dads get annoyed when they have to watch the kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am at the end of my rope.
I have gone to the grocery store twice in the past 10 days and when I get home, it's been to an irritated, annoyed husband. 
He admittedly gets extremely stressed out when watching the kids (1yo & 4yo). 
When asked what is wrong, he says "you get to do whatever you want, when you want". (um hello I was at the grocery store buying food for our family).

He has many other issues (alcohol, adhd, anxiety), but my main question is, do other people deal with this on a daily basis? Or is this part of the bigger issues?
The push back and annoyance re: watching kids? Are all dads like this?

Other examples...
On Sunday I asked him to take our DS for a scooter ride and dog for a walk so I could clean the basement and put laundry away while the baby was napping.
He responds like a teenager, annoyed that I'm "kicking him out of the house because I decide it's time". 
I would have loved to switch places in that scenario, but he won't put away laundry, so here we are..
If I am out at the store, he will call me "[Baby] is up" when she wakes up from a nap..and then get more & more irritated until I come home. 
I have started saying "Ok, then take care of her", which I know is not going to help anything, but I.AM.SO.FED.UP.

I understand he needs "breaks" more than other people, and I'm not going to leave my kids in an unpleasant situation, so I primarily care for them on the weekend. 
We both work FT during the week and I am the primary earner before anyone asks. I also do all bills/daycare/FSA/etc. He does cook.

If this is common, how you do deal with it? 
I feel so guilty thinking of disrupting my kids nuclear family (they of course love him), but it is driving me crazy! 
I literally have no time to myself, while he has the majority of a weekend day every weekend. When I point this out, his [extremely immature] response: you're the mom / you're the one who wanted kids..
 
I also worry that the kids will soon start to notice his impatience. 
Friends and family have noticed it (for example, him getting frustrated w/ kids when we are out to dinner), so I know it's not just me...

Any advice is welcome.
When he CAN pull it together and stay calm, i love being together as a family. I still see the person I love and I want that so badly for my kids.

[/quote]

OK I read your whole note now. ADHD is no joke in a ManChild and it actually could be autism if he really can't connect with you or the kids either.

Short Term - during stupid quarantine time, do the following: 
Act and behave as if you are a single parent with 3 kids. 
The oldest kid you ignore for the most part. He gets too angry (i.e. anxiety) to handle anything and he is likely overwhelmed by life usually, and life today for sure. It sux, but can you write out everything he can actually do and handle?  Could he do grocery shopping even if it takes him 2 hours and you 1 hour? Or is he also dim-witted and put your family/house at risk by touching all sorts of stuff, getting sneezed on, contaminating the car and house?

Long Term - at the same time do the following: 
1) Get an individual therapist who understand ADHD, ASD, and verbal abuse (ultimately his reaction to your normal requests or comments is verbal abuse to you. Its gaslighting, it's put downs, it's deflecting, it's zero conflict resolution, it's lies, it's riddles, it's insults). 
2) Get him tested by a psychiatrist for a neuropsych. Go to the initial one hour consult with him so the Dr can test the correct modules (ADHD, ASD, anxiety, bipolar, anger, etc.). Also hand doctor a sheet of all symptoms, patterns, how they escalated, triggers, etc. 
3) See a few divorce attorneys with a one pager on the situation. Plan with therapist what you can cope with and what you cannot and exit timing. 
4) Get a lot of friends and get social 1-2 nights a week. This may be difficult with a 1 yo... but get a support group going. Maybe even a wives of ASD / ADHD men. 
5) Be ready to walk. This doesn't get better, you have to keep doing everything and know that you have a spouse you cannot count on. Maybe women cannot stay out of principle. Whats to look fw to once the kids are gone?  Hopefully he loves his job and at least makes a long of money - outsource everything you can and buy yourself lots of stuff. 
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