Donor embryo vs donor eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

I have had counseling on this and I do not remotely see how it is not the same thing. It is the same adopted child. You are simply adopting the child earlier in its development.

OP, here’s your problem (at least as far as this board. Is concerned):

You consider carrying/raising a child that’s not biologically yours as adoption.

Many people on this board don’t like to think about the reality that implanting a donor embryo is very similar to traditional adoption- just different stages of development, as you put it. People are attacking you because statements like these are an attack against the carefully constructed reality they have built for themselves. When you factor in how expensive donor eggs can be, it’s no wonder people are fighting back agains your (perceived) attack on their life.

You are not going to get useful advice here. Your entire post has everyone on the defensive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

But I do appreciate that you are in the same boat, as it were. Why did you decided to do donor egg vs donor embryo?

Because I love my husband and admire many things about him and it’s super cool to see his features and expressions etc alive in our bio child and I want to experience that again. Because I’m glad to know my two children will have a genetic link which may be useful for medical reasons at some point. Because my second child will already have a mostly unknown medical history on one side from DE and I see no reason to make it both.

I respect your decision. That’s not my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

But I do appreciate that you are in the same boat, as it were. Why did you decided to do donor egg vs donor embryo?

Because I love my husband and admire many things about him and it’s super cool to see his features and expressions etc alive in our bio child and I want to experience that again. Because I’m glad to know my two children will have a genetic link which may be useful for medical reasons at some point. Because my second child will already have a mostly unknown medical history on one side from DE and I see no reason to make it both.

I respect your decision. That’s not my situation.

Thank you for sharing though. This whole thing just s*cks, doesn’t it. Feels like no right choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

I have had counseling on this and I do not remotely see how it is not the same thing. It is the same adopted child. You are simply adopting the child earlier in its development.

OP, here’s your problem (at least as far as this board. Is concerned):

You consider carrying/raising a child that’s not biologically yours as adoption.

Many people on this board don’t like to think about the reality that implanting a donor embryo is very similar to traditional adoption- just different stages of development, as you put it. People are attacking you because statements like these are an attack against the carefully constructed reality they have built for themselves. When you factor in how expensive donor eggs can be, it’s no wonder people are fighting back agains your (perceived) attack on their life.

You are not going to get useful advice here. Your entire post has everyone on the defensive

Wow. This whole thing rocks my world. I was raised in a pretty progressive environment and buy into the donor is a donor construct. But- “You consider carrying/raising a child that’s not biologically yours as adoption.” - literally look up the word adoption and tell me how I am wrong here? Especially if you are discussing donor embryos?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is the kind of thing you can persuade another person to do. Sorry. All you can do is tell him how you feel and ask him. You won't be able to change his mind.

I am completely against donor egg, so it's either a donor embryo or nothing. I don't want to say this like that but I need some tips on discussing with him. How do you even open the conversation?

wow. I think if that's your way of thinking, then probably you're not cut out to coparent anyway.

Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but it is his fault that we are in this situation. He would not move to get married and so my clock ran out. (Yes, there is a lot of anger still on this).

I'd definitely get some counseling to discuss things. You don't want this hanging over your marriage forever.

I don't think you should "punish" your husband because of the situation by refusing him a biological child. But at the same time, if your finances cannot afford to pay for donor eggs, then I can understand not wanting to be broke for your husband's poor planning. Either way, you definitely need to talk this out now before you potentially have the stress of bringing up a child enter your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

I have had counseling on this and I do not remotely see how it is not the same thing. It is the same adopted child. You are simply adopting the child earlier in its development.

OP, here’s your problem (at least as far as this board. Is concerned):

You consider carrying/raising a child that’s not biologically yours as adoption.

Many people on this board don’t like to think about the reality that implanting a donor embryo is very similar to traditional adoption- just different stages of development, as you put it. People are attacking you because statements like these are an attack against the carefully constructed reality they have built for themselves. When you factor in how expensive donor eggs can be, it’s no wonder people are fighting back agains your (perceived) attack on their life.

You are not going to get useful advice here. Your entire post has everyone on the defensive

Talk about constructing a false reality. Almost every poster here is telling OP that she clearly needs a lot more therapy because of the issues in her marriage. Donor egg or donor embryo, OP's anger at her husband is going to complicate the life of their existing child and any other child they bring into this marriage, regardless of how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

I have had counseling on this and I do not remotely see how it is not the same thing. It is the same adopted child. You are simply adopting the child earlier in its development.

OP, here’s your problem (at least as far as this board. Is concerned):

You consider carrying/raising a child that’s not biologically yours as adoption.

Many people on this board don’t like to think about the reality that implanting a donor embryo is very similar to traditional adoption- just different stages of development, as you put it. People are attacking you because statements like these are an attack against the carefully constructed reality they have built for themselves. When you factor in how expensive donor eggs can be, it’s no wonder people are fighting back agains your (perceived) attack on their life.

You are not going to get useful advice here. Your entire post has everyone on the defensive

Talk about constructing a false reality. Almost every poster here is telling OP that she clearly needs a lot more therapy because of the issues in her marriage. Donor egg or donor embryo, OP's anger at her husband is going to complicate the life of their existing child and any other child they bring into this marriage, regardless of how.

+ a million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yes. I feel my husband would have more of a connection with that child. I feel that I would resent it and I fear I would resent the child. My husband is very competitive. I feel that would spill into the family dynamics. I also feel as though he would be having a child with another woman.

This is phenomenally unhealthy. Please, please get therapy (individual and family) before having another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

I have had counseling on this and I do not remotely see how it is not the same thing. It is the same adopted child. You are simply adopting the child earlier in its development.

OP, here’s your problem (at least as far as this board. Is concerned):

You consider carrying/raising a child that’s not biologically yours as adoption.

Many people on this board don’t like to think about the reality that implanting a donor embryo is very similar to traditional adoption- just different stages of development, as you put it. People are attacking you because statements like these are an attack against the carefully constructed reality they have built for themselves. When you factor in how expensive donor eggs can be, it’s no wonder people are fighting back agains your (perceived) attack on their life.

You are not going to get useful advice here. Your entire post has everyone on the defensive

Talk about constructing a false reality. Almost every poster here is telling OP that she clearly needs a lot more therapy because of the issues in her marriage. Donor egg or donor embryo, OP's anger at her husband is going to complicate the life of their existing child and any other child they bring into this marriage, regardless of how.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not at all the “exact same decision.” I think it might be worthwhile for you to read some books written about children conceived via donor gametes. I think it’s important to contemplate this from the perspective of the future child. I’m in the middle of a donor egg cycle for #2. First child is bio for both of us. So this is something we evaluated at length together.

I have had counseling on this and I do not remotely see how it is not the same thing. It is the same adopted child. You are simply adopting the child earlier in its development.

OP, here’s your problem (at least as far as this board. Is concerned):

You consider carrying/raising a child that’s not biologically yours as adoption.

Many people on this board don’t like to think about the reality that implanting a donor embryo is very similar to traditional adoption- just different stages of development, as you put it. People are attacking you because statements like these are an attack against the carefully constructed reality they have built for themselves. When you factor in how expensive donor eggs can be, it’s no wonder people are fighting back agains your (perceived) attack on their life.

You are not going to get useful advice here. Your entire post has everyone on the defensive

Talk about constructing a false reality. Almost every poster here is telling OP that she clearly needs a lot more therapy because of the issues in her marriage. Donor egg or donor embryo, OP's anger at her husband is going to complicate the life of their existing child and any other child they bring into this marriage, regardless of how.

+1000.

ALL OF THIS.
But, I assume this PP is one of the anti-donor-egg PP who pops up on a lot of these threads. She seems to have blinders on, similar to the OP. The issue here isn't donor egg vs adoption/embryo adoption. The issue here is the OP's obvious bitterness and need to "get back at" her husband for his role in her infertility issues. Therapy. Lots of it.

[Anonymous]

So I have a morbid question regarding the OP's husband getting a biological connection to your future child. What if something terrible happens to your husband and you become a widow? Would you be happier having that connection to him still? The potential to see his features in the faces of your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yes. I feel my husband would have more of a connection with that child. I feel that I would resent it and I fear I would resent the child. My husband is very competitive. I feel that would spill into the family dynamics. I also feel as though he would be having a child with another woman.

If you're concerned about family dynamics, can you imagine this? Every time your husband looks at that child, he'll see a giant middle finger you extended toward him. Do you really think it WON"T spill over into the family dynamics? I mean have a baby or don't have a baby, it's all the same to me. But I think your views on this are extremely unhealthy and it's not good to approach babymaking with this mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I have a morbid question regarding the OP's husband getting a biological connection to your future child. What if something terrible happens to your husband and you become a widow? Would you be happier having that connection to him still? The potential to see his features in the faces of your children?

No, it doesn't sound like the OP likes her husband very much. Someone else posted "I love my husband and love seeing him reflected in my child's face/expressions, etc." OP responded with"...that's not my situation" and has previously described him as competitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[b]

Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel better, OP, the gestational mother’s DNA does indirectly contribute to any embryo implanted within her, as it’s her genes that determine whether or not certain genes in the fetus get “switched on” or not. MicroRNA is what you’d want to google if interested[b]

In short, you’ll have a biological connection to the baby regardless. I’m not sure it would even be “fair,” then, to try to ensure your husband doesn’t have one.

Sorry but this isn’t a big deal. Epigenetics gets blown way out of proportion in the infertility world in order to make women feel they have more impact on the baby than they actually do.

Agree. And I think men tend to use that argument with women to have them use donor eggs. The fact of the matter is that it is my fertility that was ruined - not his - by his actions - delaying years.

+1 Everyone seems to accept that it's utterly natural for men to be uncomfortable going the route of donor sperm, yet somehow women are callous for not wanting to play surrogate for their husband and another woman? I find the conversations around this so intellectually dishonest. Poll 20 men if they would go for their wives impregnated by donor sperm. Then ask yourself why you already knew exactly how they would answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if having multiple biological children was really so important to you, you should have ended your relationship w/your husband when he wouldn't commit, and considered becoming a SMBC with your own eggs while you were still young enough. Or even freezing your eggs at the time (though the jury's out on how effective that is). Being resentful of your husband and trying to deprive him of a genetic connection to a second child makes zero sense.

Yes. I should have done that. Hindsight being 2020. Lots of things I could have done differently. Thank you for pointing that out.
I'm not trying to deprive him of a genetic connection. I do not feel comfortable with only him having a genetic connection. I feel the dynamic would be so strange and create problems.

It sounds like you are creating those problems in your own head. Are you worried that your husband might exclude you from the child's life because he has a genetic connection and you don't? Seriously, please lay out examples of the problems you think would arise. If this isn't a petty knee jerk punishment, you should be able to articulate a few examples.

Yes. I feel my husband would have more of a connection with that child. I feel that I would resent it and I fear I would resent the child. My husband is very competitive. I feel that would spill into the family dynamics. I also feel as though he would be having a child with another woman.

I think you have major issues OP and you should get counseling but I have to admit I agree with you on this part. It’s the reason I would never do donor egg myself.
pun

race
I agree too. I would do the same thing if I were OP.