How to politely say “no siblings” invited to my sons bday party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate it when siblings aren't mentioned. I've been to quite a few birthday parties with DD and then they ask where my son is! I would have brought him but didn't know who was allowed. I think invites should always mention siblings.

Agreed! I'm in that situation right now. My son was invited to a party (5th bday) this weekend and it just dawned on me that my daughter is now old enough (almost 2) to possibly not be ok to bring along. I think parents get so used to (or at least my family has) at this young age to doing everything together that they forget when their younger kids start to get older that they aren't necessarily ok to have tag along.

I know the other parents to a certain extent so I was going to text the mom to tell her that I was going to bring my daughter but just pay to have her play at the party place and not have her join in on the food. Is that ok? Does it sound like I'm fishing? (I'm not). I just wanted to be able to go still as a family. I also fear that if one parent did stay home with our younger child the parents giving the party would ask where we were since they are very hospitable people.

It's tricky on both sides! Any help is appreciated!

Your husband and you want to go to a kids party place on a Saturday with a toddler and a 5 year old so that you don’t miss 2 hours of together time? Or you just need to take your daughter because it’s easier? My husband loves our kids, but we would def divide and conquer in this scenario. Can hang out afterwards at the pool/home/anywhere but a kids’ party venue. The rule is generally if it’s at a venue and the hosts pay per kid, it’s for the invited kid. If it’s at someone’s home, it’s more likely to be inclusive of all. If you take your daughter to the party in question, she will want cake etc and it will be awkward. You can’t really ask if she can come and not eat. The host will feel obligated to include her (and then other siblings). I would only ask if it’s a childcare issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are weird. Lots of people will roll up with mom, dad and sibs to a party. My husband would have rather died than do that during those years, but if you want to have a no siblings party, it needs to be at a place you pay per kid. Next time have a party with 3 families you’re all friends with. The kid doesn’t care.

People aren’t “weird.” Well, maybe some are. But in a lot of cultures, this is totally normal.

I assume she's offering her husband as the example of a weird person here.

Your husband wants to go to parties with the whole fam to random people’s houses from the 4 year old preschooler’s class on Saturday? You must give a lot of BJs bc that is not normally what people like to do on the weekend.

Not the PP but 100% my husband does and as do I. (Also, why is the mom the default person taking the kid to the party? Our family doesn't work that way where the mom is the sole care giver...maybe that is where your problem is). My husband, as do I, like being together and we like being with our kids more so than we want to spend a day doing whatever alone when we work alone all week. Most people I know are the same.

[Anonymous]

Weekends are our precious rare family time. At my school the whole class is generally invited to every birthday. That’s a LOT of weekends. So no, we don’t split up for parties as a rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate it when siblings aren't mentioned. I've been to quite a few birthday parties with DD and then they ask where my son is! I would have brought him but didn't know who was allowed. I think invites should always mention siblings.

Agreed! I'm in that situation right now. My son was invited to a party (5th bday) this weekend and it just dawned on me that my daughter is now old enough (almost 2) to possibly not be ok to bring along. I think parents get so used to (or at least my family has) at this young age to doing everything together that they forget when their younger kids start to get older that they aren't necessarily ok to have tag along.

I know the other parents to a certain extent so I was going to text the mom to tell her that I was going to bring my daughter but just pay to have her play at the party place and not have her join in on the food. Is that ok? Does it sound like I'm fishing? (I'm not). I just wanted to be able to go still as a family. I also fear that if one parent did stay home with our younger child the parents giving the party would ask where we were since they are very hospitable people.

It's tricky on both sides! Any help is appreciated!

Your husband and you want to go to a kids party place on a Saturday with a toddler and a 5 year old so that you don’t miss 2 hours of together time? Or you just need to take your daughter because it’s easier? My husband loves our kids, but we would def divide and conquer in this scenario. Can hang out afterwards at the pool/home/anywhere but a kids’ party venue. The rule is generally if it’s at a venue and the hosts pay per kid, it’s for the invited kid. If it’s at someone’s home, it’s more likely to be inclusive of all. If you take your daughter to the party in question, she will want cake etc and it will be awkward. You can’t really ask if she can come and not eat. The host will feel obligated to include her (and then other siblings). I would only ask if it’s a childcare issue.

PP here. Yes, my husband and I want to all be together for many of the reasons that others mentioned above. We both work all week and like to spend the weekend time together and with our kids. We like watching our kids have fun. It is easier to go do something else before/after if we are already together in one car etc etc etc. Neither one of us views going to stuff like this as a chore.

Good point about the cake etc although my daughter is still young enough where I could avoid that. That said, they have distinct party rooms there, I could just keep her out and let her keep playing on my dime. Is it still wrong to give the mom a heads up that I'm doing this so she doesn't potentially have an internal freakout when we arrive even though I think she is more likely to be upset if I don't come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I also think it’s so ridiculous that both parents want to come to the party even when they have 1 kid, but there’s nothing to do about that.


I think it’s too late to change the evite- we already have 19 adults and 10 kids. Live and learn for next year!

The point of preschool birthday parties is for families to meet. Why wouldn't you want to meet both parents?

Exactly. You lost my sympathy, OP. These people just want to meet other parents in their kid's preschool. That's completely normal.

Meet them at school functions and stop inviting yourself to other people's houses.

I like it when both parents come to our parties. My husband LOVES having other dads to meet/get to know. Its a party people, not a chore.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weekends are our precious rare family time. At my school the whole class is generally invited to every birthday. That’s a LOT of weekends. So no, we don’t split up for parties as a rule.

It's rude to presume the whole family is invited to a kid party. If your family time is so precious, then please just decline the invitations and spend the time together.

[Anonymous]

I am just flummoxed that people consider time socializing with acquaintances from a child’s preschool family time. One of us takes the kid/kids and then we have actual quality family time. Socializing with people we barely know while the kids play is not marital or family time and is certainly not a relief after the work week. Just one perspective as people plan these parties-many people consider them to be a bore and a chore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate it when siblings aren't mentioned. I've been to quite a few birthday parties with DD and then they ask where my son is! I would have brought him but didn't know who was allowed. I think invites should always mention siblings.

Agreed! I'm in that situation right now. My son was invited to a party (5th bday) this weekend and it just dawned on me that my daughter is now old enough (almost 2) to possibly not be ok to bring along. I think parents get so used to (or at least my family has) at this young age to doing everything together that they forget when their younger kids start to get older that they aren't necessarily ok to have tag along.

I know the other parents to a certain extent so I was going to text the mom to tell her that I was going to bring my daughter but just pay to have her play at the party place and not have her join in on the food. Is that ok? Does it sound like I'm fishing? (I'm not). I just wanted to be able to go still as a family. I also fear that if one parent did stay home with our younger child the parents giving the party would ask where we were since they are very hospitable people.

It's tricky on both sides! Any help is appreciated!

Your husband and you want to go to a kids party place on a Saturday with a toddler and a 5 year old so that you don’t miss 2 hours of together time? Or you just need to take your daughter because it’s easier? My husband loves our kids, but we would def divide and conquer in this scenario. Can hang out afterwards at the pool/home/anywhere but a kids’ party venue. The rule is generally if it’s at a venue and the hosts pay per kid, it’s for the invited kid. If it’s at someone’s home, it’s more likely to be inclusive of all. If you take your daughter to the party in question, she will want cake etc and it will be awkward. You can’t really ask if she can come and not eat. The host will feel obligated to include her (and then other siblings). I would only ask if it’s a childcare issue.

PP here. Yes, my husband and I want to all be together for many of the reasons that others mentioned above. We both work all week and like to spend the weekend time together and with our kids. We like watching our kids have fun. It is easier to go do something else before/after if we are already together in one car etc etc etc. Neither one of us views going to stuff like this as a chore.

Good point about the cake etc although my daughter is still young enough where I could avoid that. That said, they have distinct party rooms there, I could just keep her out and let her keep playing on my dime. Is it still wrong to give the mom a heads up that I'm doing this so she doesn't potentially have an internal freakout when we arrive even though I think she is more likely to be upset if I don't come?

Is your husband coming too or is this because you don’t have childcare? Yes, a heads up would be nice, but it’s unclear whether the heads up will involve letting her know that you’ve decided her kid’s birthday at a party venue is your family outing for the day or whether you need to bring your daughter bc you don’t have coverage. The former will sound bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just flummoxed that people consider time socializing with acquaintances from a child’s preschool family time. One of us takes the kid/kids and then we have actual quality family time. Socializing with people we barely know while the kids play is not marital or family time and is certainly not a relief after the work week. Just one perspective as people plan these parties-many people consider them to be a bore and a chore.

Absolutely

I don't want the whole family showing up. If you can't or won't drop off your kid for 2 hours then please decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I also think it’s so ridiculous that both parents want to come to the party even when they have 1 kid, but there’s nothing to do about that.


I think it’s too late to change the evite- we already have 19 adults and 10 kids. Live and learn for next year!

Why is it a big deal? We'll go together so we have someone else to talk to. Often times the parents are clique and never speak to us or just a few minutes so at least we have each other. You should not have it at your home or should have said no siblings if that was the intention.

Hold on. So no home parties if you don't want the whole fam damily? Have a venue party for the convenience of others?

Wow.

How about you don't assume your entire family is welcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just flummoxed that people consider time socializing with acquaintances from a child’s preschool family time. One of us takes the kid/kids and then we have actual quality family time. Socializing with people we barely know while the kids play is not marital or family time and is certainly not a relief after the work week. Just one perspective as people plan these parties-many people consider them to be a bore and a chore.

I agree once the kids are older, but for preschool when we had just one we would sometimes both go to get to get to know the other parents. Some of these people now are good friends because of the effort DH and I both put in during those years, including at parties. And parties at home like OP is describing were the best for this, because often the adults had separate food and adult drinks, which encouraged them to hang out together and socialize.

[Anonymous]

We have one kid; we divide and conquer unless it's a close family friend. DD is a preschooler.

Also, I've had older-sibling RSVPs at venues where it's paid per head, so maybe it's typical of the region? I take a hard line against siblings if I have to pay extra for them. If I don't, the more, the merrier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just flummoxed that people consider time socializing with acquaintances from a child’s preschool family time. One of us takes the kid/kids and then we have actual quality family time. Socializing with people we barely know while the kids play is not marital or family time and is certainly not a relief after the work week. Just one perspective as people plan these parties-many people consider them to be a bore and a chore.

I agree once the kids are older, but for preschool when we had just one we would sometimes both go to get to get to know the other parents. Some of these people now are good friends because of the effort DH and I both put in during those years, including at parties. And parties at home like OP is describing were the best for this, because often the adults had separate food and adult drinks, which encouraged them to hang out together and socialize.

Yes, but that means it’s networking time, not family time. You all went and socialized with the other parents and made friends. That seems to be the point of a party—but you sound normal in that you did it to make friends and not in the name of spending more time with your husband and family. When the whole fam is invited, the host wants you to do this! When not, they are having a kids’ party and not a networking event or a providing a venue for others’ “family time.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just flummoxed that people consider time socializing with acquaintances from a child’s preschool family time. One of us takes the kid/kids and then we have actual quality family time. Socializing with people we barely know while the kids play is not marital or family time and is certainly not a relief after the work week. Just one perspective as people plan these parties-many people consider them to be a bore and a chore.

I agree once the kids are older, but for preschool when we had just one we would sometimes both go to get to get to know the other parents. Some of these people now are good friends because of the effort DH and I both put in during those years, including at parties. And parties at home like OP is describing were the best for this, because often the adults had separate food and adult drinks, which encouraged them to hang out together and socialize.

Yes, but that means it’s networking time, not family time. You all went and socialized with the other parents and made friends. That seems to be the point of a party—but you sound normal in that you did it to make friends and not in the name of spending more time with your husband and family. When the whole fam is invited, the host wants you to do this! When not, they are having a kids’ party and not a networking event or a providing a venue for others’ “family time.”

Yes, but OP didn’t specify this. In fact by having it in her home and not saying anything, she implied just the opposite, yet now is annoyed at parents for both RSVPing yes. I have never heard of a party invite that limits attendees to the child in the class and one parent. I have had invites that day no siblings, but never one that says “one parent only please.” But if that is what OP wanted then she should have made it clear when she set up the evite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate it when siblings aren't mentioned. I've been to quite a few birthday parties with DD and then they ask where my son is! I would have brought him but didn't know who was allowed. I think invites should always mention siblings.

Agreed! I'm in that situation right now. My son was invited to a party (5th bday) this weekend and it just dawned on me that my daughter is now old enough (almost 2) to possibly not be ok to bring along. I think parents get so used to (or at least my family has) at this young age to doing everything together that they forget when their younger kids start to get older that they aren't necessarily ok to have tag along.

I know the other parents to a certain extent so I was going to text the mom to tell her that I was going to bring my daughter but just pay to have her play at the party place and not have her join in on the food. Is that ok? Does it sound like I'm fishing? (I'm not). I just wanted to be able to go still as a family. I also fear that if one parent did stay home with our younger child the parents giving the party would ask where we were since they are very hospitable people.

It's tricky on both sides! Any help is appreciated!

No, I do not think this is OK. I think it is OK to ask "Can DD come? If yes, we will pay her cost. If no, we have other arrangements!". It's okay to just tell the host that you are bringing her though.