Let's have some fun today

[Anonymous]

The dad in short shorts and almost a belly shirt on the sideline wearing the same thing even in the winter and early spring?

[Anonymous]

The sideline squatter. Gets there early, positions her chair two inches from the side of the field. 'Scuse me Mr. Linesman, you're blocking my unimpeded view.

The hair braider. You want custom hairdos girls, mama got this. Ribbons anyone?

The tournament scheduler. This social chair has every minute of the weekend fine tuned and laid out. Go to for the picnic basket in the trunk with every assortment of snack imaginable. You wanna know where and when we're playing mini-golf, she knows. Got any Gatorade chews left? What time is dinner?

The goalie mom. The young 'uns position themselves behind the goal, as the goalie whisperer. Yells of "Pick it up!" and hopes of controlling her kid like a game of Pong fade as the kid ages, and she retreats to the sidelines resigned to being a frazzled ball of nerves hoping her kid isn't blamed for goals.

Cross-sport dresser. Dad shows up with baseball umpire shorts and orange tinted socks from hitting pop-ups to Timmy on the infield, and mom arrives in Lululemon, just in case some yoga breaks out on the sidelines. You just golf, Tiger?

The 'merch mama. Never been to a tourney without getting some merch. Gotta have a sweatshirt, T-shirt, headband, and socks showing what tournament her kids have played in. That ECNL logo triples the value of a sweatshirt, but who doesn't still wear her 2012 Jeff Cup sweatshirt? I think we placed in the Platinum Elite division that year.

The Sunday finest. Straight to the field from church on Sunday, decked out in clothes not designed to soak up your sweat and nervous adrenaline. Your feet sweating in those wingtips, sir? Your suit coat is making even me uncomfortable. Cousin to the work-picker-upper, who picks up Joey from practice coming directly from work with no time to change. May still have Chick-fil-a crumbs on his lapel from a car-eaten dinner, unless it is Sunday, of course.

The contrarian. You wanna do Panera for lunch? Nah, don't like that place. How's Subway? Don't really care for their bread. You want to suggest somewhere so the kids can hang together? Know what, maybe we'll just meet you back at the field for the next game. Cool, man, cool.

The low-key big spender. Bus arrives late, but I got a place at Disney for $89/night, where you guys staying? Our club has this reciprocity thing so we have a little house, so that's really convenient. We land just before you guys will arrive so we'll see you there. Would the kids eat anything at Ruths Chris or should we cater something? Ummm . . . .

The coach knower. We trained with Johnny Dribbler in the spring, then worked with Ron Runner for fitness. Max Muscle is Tina's strength guy, and they're really good. Definitely don't go to Sam's fitness, they're way too expensive for what you get. These are the best people in the area. We've tried them all.

The clairvoyant ranker. Knows how to rank every league, every team within every league, and every player on every team. Rarely mistaken, even if performance records contradict the rankings. Also sees into the future to know, with certainty, how the youth soccer landscape will morph in the next 5 years. He just knows it.

European league expert. Walking Rainman of world soccer, and will gladly tell you how the US system needs to change so we can finally sell kids into Europe. Man U plays today at 3:00, gotta run.

[Anonymous]

Dude, are you profiling my team?

[Anonymous]

Willfully Ignorant Baseball Guy. “I don’t know nothing ‘bout soccer at all. When I was growin’ up, we played BASEBALL.’

Sub Shop Navigator. “Super powerful app I have shows five Subways in a 2 mile radius. Quick – we have just enough time to get there and back before the 1:15 game.”

Life-Hating Accountant Steve. “How the f*ck am I in Olney again? Here, let me talk into my ear contraption about

Barcelona Gramps. “In the old country, we play one touch! See my ill fitting Barthelowna jersey as I yell at my rowdy grandchild Zach.”

[Anonymous]

Honor the game vigilante Bob
*Very Mr. Rogers voice* “Let’s all simmer down now, guys. The referee is human, too.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the "GO VSA" dad who yells the entire game

OMG I know that guy!!!! Cracks me up!!

[Anonymous]

The creepy dad who looks like he’s surfing his phone but really listening to every conversation around him ready to jump in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad in short shorts and almost a belly shirt on the sideline wearing the same thing even in the winter and early spring?

Yep, know him well.

[Anonymous]

Loud talker on her phone, telling someone on the other side how busy she is and that she's stuck at a soccer game.

Brad and Buffy with matching fold out chairs that aren't really sports chairs given they have a picnic detachment and foldout end tables.

The coach who's not the team's coach, but would like you know what he would have done with his team.

The smoking dad in the parking lot...classy Jim puffing in the way of every athlete trying to get to the field.

The prepper who makes his kid run suicides before the game, hell even before warm ups.

Beach umbrella family trying to create a solar eclipse

.....Every team's favorite, soccer mom with the giant visor cap!!!!

[Anonymous]

The habitually late mom...oh the parking lot is full? No problem, this grassy knoll in front of the field where people need to walk just became my spot.

[Anonymous]

The lazy coach that if practice is from 5-630 shows up at 515 for a 20 min warm up and stretch and starts cool
Down at 615.

[Anonymous]

The divorced parents that make everyone feel awkward during the games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dad in short shorts and almost a belly shirt on the sideline wearing the same thing even in the winter and early spring?

I think everyone knows that guy!!!!

[Anonymous]

Dad who grew up playing football and things soccer should be played like football

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cheering at the opponent's parents dad. I'm not so much cheering for the kids on the field as I am taunting the other parents for my team's kids having temporarily achieved an athletic accomplishment slightly better than their kids. It is only a beautiful game if at the end I feel slightly superior to those losers' parents.

The sideline offender. Your half for your parents, our half for our parents. But etiquette doesn't apply to him. I'm gonna stand in the middle of the other parents and cheer loudly against their kids. No, nothing wrong could ever come of that.

The briber. Maybe my kid will score if I pay him to. Wonder how much a goal is worth.

The on the field mom. Mama bear sees an injury on the field, mama's gonna run on the field to comfort it.

The dog owner. Fido's coming with me everywhere. That sign that says dogs aren't allowed on the turf, that doesn't apply to MY dog.

The field prepper. It is 7:30 AM and this dude lined the field, dragged the nets out, put up corner flags, filled the Gatorade jugs, erected tents alone, and is ready to roll. Might even get in a good jog before the game. Thank you for your military service, sir.

The shoulda won guy. No matter the opponent, the talent of the kids on our team, the effort of the ref, a bad call, a bad bounce, an own goal, a keeper mistake, a PK, our team shoulda won. Every game, we shoulda won.

These people make me want to fight!! Most of them you only get for a half, because their kid is either an attacking player or the keeper, so they stand on your sideline so they can be closest to their player's action as if they can't fully appreciate it from so far away on their side of the field.

We once had a parent from the other team walk over to our side (which was against the rules at the time) with a long range lens, professional camera and set up right next to our goalie to get an action shot of her kids team scoring on us. Well they didn't score that half and when she walked back to her side of the field one of our parents cheekily asked her if she got a good shot.
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The parents who never volunteer to do anything but complain about how the volunteers do things.