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[quote=Anonymous]The sideline squatter.  Gets there early, positions her chair two inches from the side of the field. 'Scuse me Mr. Linesman, you're blocking my unimpeded view.

The hair braider.  You want custom hairdos girls, mama got this.  Ribbons anyone?

The tournament scheduler.  This social chair has every minute of the weekend fine tuned and laid out.  Go to for the picnic basket in the trunk with every assortment of snack imaginable. You wanna know where and when we're playing mini-golf, she knows.  Got any Gatorade chews left? What time is dinner?

The goalie mom.  The young 'uns position themselves behind the goal, as the goalie whisperer. Yells of "Pick it up!" and hopes of controlling her kid like a game of Pong fade as the kid ages, and she retreats to the sidelines resigned to being a frazzled ball of nerves hoping her kid isn't blamed for goals.

Cross-sport dresser.  Dad shows up with baseball umpire shorts and orange tinted socks from hitting pop-ups to Timmy on the infield, and mom arrives in Lululemon, just in case some yoga breaks out on the sidelines.  You just golf, Tiger?

The 'merch mama.  Never been to a tourney without getting some merch.  Gotta have a sweatshirt, T-shirt, headband, and socks showing what tournament her kids have played in.  That ECNL logo triples the value of a sweatshirt, but who doesn't still wear her 2012 Jeff Cup sweatshirt?  I think we placed in the Platinum Elite division that year.

The Sunday finest.  Straight to the field from church on Sunday, decked out in clothes not designed to soak up your sweat and nervous adrenaline.  Your feet sweating in those wingtips, sir?  Your suit coat is making even me uncomfortable.  Cousin to the work-picker-upper, who picks up Joey from practice coming directly from work with no time to change.  May still have Chick-fil-a crumbs on his lapel from a car-eaten dinner, unless it is Sunday, of course.

The contrarian.  You wanna do Panera for lunch? Nah, don't like that place.  How's Subway? Don't really care for their bread. You want to suggest somewhere so the kids can hang together?  Know what, maybe we'll just meet you back at the field for the next game.  Cool, man, cool.

The low-key big spender.  Bus arrives late, but I got a place at Disney for $89/night, where you guys staying?  Our club has this reciprocity thing so we have a little house, so that's really convenient.  We land just before you guys will arrive so we'll see you there.  Would the kids eat anything at Ruths Chris or should we cater something? Ummm . . . .

The coach knower.  We trained with Johnny Dribbler in the spring, then worked with Ron Runner for fitness. Max Muscle is Tina's strength guy, and they're really good. Definitely don't go to Sam's fitness, they're way too expensive for what you get.  These are the best people in the area.  We've tried them all.

The clairvoyant ranker.  Knows how to rank every league, every team within every league, and every player on every team.  Rarely mistaken, even if performance records contradict the rankings.  Also sees into the future to know, with certainty, how the youth soccer landscape will morph in the next 5 years.  He just knows it.

European league expert.  Walking Rainman of world soccer, and will gladly tell you how the US system needs to change so we can finally sell kids into Europe.  Man U plays today at 3:00, gotta run.[/quote]

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