Should I have a fourth child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - wow ok so I’m a jerk for laughing at someone pointing out that apparently I’m “too old” to have a fourth kid (I’m 36), I’m not rich enough because we’re not independently wealthy (owning our homes and having 2 working parents isn’t good enough?), and my experience as being the only racial/ethnic minority in my entire family and extended family as well as being part of multiple adoptee groups as a child and adult is not adequate enough.

No wonder so many kids don’t get adopted. Sheesh. Right - I’m the jerk in this situation.

OP- is this the way you respond to most things in life? I mean in a sense I get it - I'm not the most patient person on the planet either - but my husband and I know ourselves well enough to know we can only handle 2 kids. Your defensiveness and unprovoked anger doesnt really bode well for someone thinking of taking on a complicated and emotionally tough journey like this one.

OP - not really sure how to respond to this. I'm honestly curious who "makes the cut" for age/wealth/experience in adoption since other posters seem to think I don't.

I don’t have a clue what makes the cut in terms of wealth, age or experience, but personally I think someone should be well adjusted if they’re allowed to adopt a child, and it doesn’t sound like you are. I don’t know whether it’s because you were adopted, or because you are different racially to your family, or some other random thing, but you seem incredibly defensive to the point where it comes off as obnoxious. Like you’re trying to pick a fight. That’s what makes you sound rough and quite immature to many of us.

Frankly, I feel like I’m walking through the rough part of town and trying not to get sucked into a confrontation with someone who just wants to prove something to themselves or others. I get the impression you want to adopt for those types of reasons and not for the good of the child (or the ones you have). Hopefully the agency will do a good job of screening for that.

Anyway, good luck to you and definitely good luck to any child you bring into your family. I hope your DH is well adjusted.

OP - wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

OP - thanks everyone. I have contacted the adoption agency (Barker) and will take it from there. FWIW, I did not receive much useful advice in the area I was hoping for advice on, which was parenting 4 kids. And I’m still laughing at how someone said I was too old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. I have contacted the adoption agency (Barker) and will take it from there. FWIW, I did not receive much useful advice in the area I was hoping for advice on, which was parenting 4 kids. And I’m still laughing at how someone said I was too old.

Um, ok. Maybe that’s because the topic of your post was “should I have a fourth child?” Rather than “how do I parent 4 children? “. But yes, we clearly are incapable of giving you the advice you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. I have contacted the adoption agency (Barker) and will take it from there. FWIW, I did not receive much useful advice in the area I was hoping for advice on, which was parenting 4 kids. And I’m still laughing at how someone said I was too old.

We had a horrible experience with Barker. Good luck with them. Their domestic placement rates are very low and their contract is very clear they can take your money and terminate you at any time for no reason (and they have done it). Their international programs are better but the director and some of the heads of each unit are pretty nasty.

Age is not an issue The ability to meet each child's need is, especially if the child you adopt has SN (of course that can happen giving birth too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - actually, come to think of it, I’m not surprised so many are against large families or adoption. Most people have 2, so 4 really blows minds. And my parents encountered much resistance/prejudice from family and strangers when they adopted me, so that is just more of the same.

You are proposing adopting an older child who may or may not have disclosed sn. There willbetrauma when you move a child to a new country, new language, etc. We adopted a child at birth. By all accounts child was healthy. Turned out to have Sn and child had therapies 5 days a week, some twice a day with huge amounts of driving. We spent thousands a month. It was all worth it and I would do it again but you have 3 kids so how will that impact them and can you devote those kinds of resources if needed. What I saw with kids from large families was parents did the minimum in therapies because they were stretched. Our child needed so much support and attention early on. Our adoption also cost about $60k but much of that was due to unethical agencies and stories taking our money and no child for years. If you had one kid I would say go for it but an international adoption of an older child requires so much more and with three kids in less you have lots of help someone will get shortchanged. I would say wait ten years and foster. There are so many kids in the us who need homes.

+1 My cousin adopted an older sibling pair (ages 3 and 5). Their issues were considered relatively minor but they're in their teens now, but like the PP, there has been so much money spent on different therapies due to developmental delays, the aftermath of abuse etc.

Its not just the money but time. It was a full-time job getting my kid to all the therapies and not only the cost of the therapies, but gas due to distance, etc. There was no way I could work in less we hired a full-time nanny who drove. I have no regrets and would do it all over again but its a huge difference doing it with 1-2 kids vs. 4.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry you’ve gotten so many harsh responses. DCUM is generally not in favor of larger families or adoption of older children. It’s not you, it’s the audience. Don’t let it get you down. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. I have contacted the adoption agency (Barker) and will take it from there. FWIW, I did not receive much useful advice in the area I was hoping for advice on, which was parenting 4 kids. And I’m still laughing at how someone said I was too old.

We had a horrible experience with Barker. Good luck with them. Their domestic placement rates are very low and their contract is very clear they can take your money and terminate you at any time for no reason (and they have done it). Their international programs are better but the director and some of the heads of each unit are pretty nasty.

Age is not an issue The ability to meet each child's need is, especially if the child you adopt has SN (of course that can happen giving birth too).

OP - oh really? I was referred to them by a post-adoption SW I know. I know other people have used long distance agencies and only use the local for the home study, but it seems easier to have a local agency.

[Anonymous]

couldn't imagine not having my #4

[Anonymous]

No you are contributing to the problem of human overpopulatuon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. I have contacted the adoption agency (Barker) and will take it from there. FWIW, I did not receive much useful advice in the area I was hoping for advice on, which was parenting 4 kids. And I’m still laughing at how someone said I was too old.

We had a horrible experience with Barker. Good luck with them. Their domestic placement rates are very low and their contract is very clear they can take your money and terminate you at any time for no reason (and they have done it). Their international programs are better but the director and some of the heads of each unit are pretty nasty.

Age is not an issue The ability to meet each child's need is, especially if the child you adopt has SN (of course that can happen giving birth too).

OP - oh really? I was referred to them by a post-adoption SW I know. I know other people have used long distance agencies and only use the local for the home study, but it seems easier to have a local agency.

Most social workers do not have actual experience. Local is not always better. Learned that the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No you are contributing to the problem of human overpopulatuon.

How if she's adopting? Read the question before giving a useless comment.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should adopt because it seems like that's what in your heart and your DH agrees with it. Don't listen to all the negative responses. You know what you can afford and the kind of life you can give your children. And no, you don't need to be a Bill Gates to be able to afford 4 kids like some ridiculous poster on here said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No you are contributing to the problem of human overpopulatuon.

How if she's adopting? Read the question before giving a useless comment.

She has three kids and if she does not adopt that healthy child someone else who does not have any may then get the opportunity to be parents. Tons of kids in foster care need homes but she wants easy.

[Anonymous]

Vacations are important to me. If a fourth would prevent that, I personally would not do it. But I think it's admirable that you want to adopt, and maybe vacations just aren't a deal breaker for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No you are contributing to the problem of human overpopulatuon.

How if she's adopting? Read the question before giving a useless comment.

She has three kids and if she does not adopt that healthy child someone else who does not have any may then get the opportunity to be parents. Tons of kids in foster care need homes but she wants easy.

NP here. The vast, vast majority of people want easy- that’s why they have bio kids and don’t adopt from foster care. You don’t get to criticize OP about the origins of her parenthood.