Should I have a fourth child?

Anonymous
I have 4. Going from three to four was easy in general.
Older kids are old enough to be mostly self sufficient. My youngest is 20ish months, and I love having a big family.
Some things to consider:
1. Activities with older kids: pps are right that that’s hard to manage the more kids you have. You have to be prepared to say no to things like travel sports. My kids can’t have more than two activities a season. If there were fewer of them, I would probably let them do whatever interests them.
2. Working ft becomes extremely tough: I take one day a week more or less off to just catch up at home. I understand what people mean by running a household. This wasn’t an issue when I had only three. All my sick days go to someone else other than me being sick.
3. Kids definitely feel like they get less attention: my oldest said at her school last year that being the eldest out of four was her biggest challenge in life. That made me pretty sad. It really is like the loud house (nick cartoon) an unfortunate amount of the time. I’m lucky my kids are healthy and not special needs, I wouldn’t have the ability to care for them otherwise.
I would never change anything with my family though.
Anonymous
I love the idea, especially as you are an adoptee yourself. I’m also an adoptive mom but don’t have bio kids. That will an extra wrinkle to your child’s experience but just something to be aware of.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I think the only problem is the “I” in your post.

What does your husband think?
And do you think your kids would be on board? Have they expressed interest in a sibling?


OP - DH is not adopted so has not given this as much thought as me. Obv if he were not ok with it I would have my answer. He is fine either way.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the only problem is the “I” in your post.

What does your husband think?
And do you think your kids would be on board? Have they expressed interest in a sibling?


Kids don't get a vote on whether they have a sibling. If that were the case, half the children in America wouldn't be born.


I think in this case, they should. 3 kids are already a lot (I have 3 too) and there’s no way those kids don’t want more of their mom’s attention, especially given that she works out of the home. An adopted child would already look and feel different, the last thing they’d need is for their new siblings to totally resent that he or she is there and make a difficult process even more difficult.


OP - wow, watch yourself. Hopefully we are raising our kids to be more conscientious and kind then you. The child would “look and feel different”? FWIW our family is already biracial.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I have 4. Going from three to four was easy in general.
Older kids are old enough to be mostly self sufficient. My youngest is 20ish months, and I love having a big family.
Some things to consider:
1. Activities with older kids: pps are right that that’s hard to manage the more kids you have. You have to be prepared to say no to things like travel sports. My kids can’t have more than two activities a season. If there were fewer of them, I would probably let them do whatever interests them.
2. Working ft becomes extremely tough: I take one day a week more or less off to just catch up at home. I understand what people mean by running a household. This wasn’t an issue when I had only three. All my sick days go to someone else other than me being sick.
3. Kids definitely feel like they get less attention: my oldest said at her school last year that being the eldest out of four was her biggest challenge in life. That made me pretty sad. It really is like the loud house (nick cartoon) an unfortunate amount of the time. I’m lucky my kids are healthy and not special needs, I wouldn’t have the ability to care for them otherwise.
I would never change anything with my family though.


OP - thanks
Anonymous
Can you pay for college for 4?
Anonymous
for the good of everyone, no.
- mom of 4
Anonymous
Watch the effect on the other kids in terms of their day to day attention and needs. Don’t make them feel like a number.
Anonymous
If you’re independently wealthy and don’t need to work, you can afford it. Otherwise, you probably can’t afford your 3.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:If you’re independently wealthy and don’t need to work, you can afford it. Otherwise, you probably can’t afford your 3.


Adoption isn’t cheap either. But OP sounds like she has some resources.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I would wait until my youngest was 5 years old.

I am planning on having a third but I am waiting until my second turns 4 so that the second and the third are 5 years apart.

I currently have only 2, and sometimes I feel like I cheated my first out of toddlerhood by having a second when the first was still 2.5.

I think younger kids need a lot of "physical" attention that spacing them out would help both your third and fourth child.


OP - I want to wait until youngest is in K but DH would rather they be close together in age, or not at all.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the only problem is the “I” in your post.

What does your husband think?
And do you think your kids would be on board? Have they expressed interest in a sibling?


Kids don't get a vote on whether they have a sibling. If that were the case, half the children in America wouldn't be born.


I think in this case, they should. 3 kids are already a lot (I have 3 too) and there’s no way those kids don’t want more of their mom’s attention, especially given that she works out of the home. An adopted child would already look and feel different, the last thing they’d need is for their new siblings to totally resent that he or she is there and make a difficult process even more difficult.


OP - wow, watch yourself. Hopefully we are raising our kids to be more conscientious and kind then you. The child would “look and feel different”? FWIW our family is already biracial.


Kids can still feel different even if they are mixed as you are if you have 3 biological kids. For us, we spent maybe around $60K trying to adopt so in less you do foster adopt, it will easily be $20-80K.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the only problem is the “I” in your post.

What does your husband think?
And do you think your kids would be on board? Have they expressed interest in a sibling?


Kids don't get a vote on whether they have a sibling. If that were the case, half the children in America wouldn't be born.


I think in this case, they should. 3 kids are already a lot (I have 3 too) and there’s no way those kids don’t want more of their mom’s attention, especially given that she works out of the home. An adopted child would already look and feel different, the last thing they’d need is for their new siblings to totally resent that he or she is there and make a difficult process even more difficult.


OP - wow, watch yourself. Hopefully we are raising our kids to be more conscientious and kind then you. The child would “look and feel different”? FWIW our family is already biracial.


Kids can still feel different even if they are mixed as you are if you have 3 biological kids. For us, we spent maybe around $60K trying to adopt so in less you do foster adopt, it will easily be $20-80K.


OP - You must have missed the part when I said I am adopted myself and have extensively researched the country we want to adopt from.
Anonymous
No. There are still only 24 hours in a day. No. It’s not fair to your existing children. If you were younger, and two of your kids were a bit older it would be different.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the only problem is the “I” in your post.

What does your husband think?
And do you think your kids would be on board? Have they expressed interest in a sibling?


Kids don't get a vote on whether they have a sibling. If that were the case, half the children in America wouldn't be born.


I think in this case, they should. 3 kids are already a lot (I have 3 too) and there’s no way those kids don’t want more of their mom’s attention, especially given that she works out of the home. An adopted child would already look and feel different, the last thing they’d need is for their new siblings to totally resent that he or she is there and make a difficult process even more difficult.


OP - wow, watch yourself. Hopefully we are raising our kids to be more conscientious and kind then you. The child would “look and feel different”? FWIW our family is already biracial.


Kids can still feel different even if they are mixed as you are if you have 3 biological kids. For us, we spent maybe around $60K trying to adopt so in less you do foster adopt, it will easily be $20-80K.


OP - You must have missed the part when I said I am adopted myself and have extensively researched the country we want to adopt from.


I read that you are adopted BUT, its very hard on kids when they are the only "adopted" child in a large family. Also, if you are going out of the country are you prepared for SN and the adjustment period of an older child?
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