Any other SAHMs who feel like a single parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.

For the majority of people, working more does not mean more money. My DH works 60 hour weeks because he's a workaholic but he's paid for 40 hours. I know for a fact that 90% of his coworkers leave after their 8 hours are done at work. I think men (and women of course, but this is a thread about a working man) just have to choose between family and work. Sole breadwinners know they need the work. Dual income men choose family normally because if something happened to their jobs, their wives are still bringing in income.

Yep. ppl pleaser workaholics. should have better values once in your late 30s and 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM

I had a similar situation as OP and after many years we ended up in family therapy. After about the first couple of sessions, the therapist looked at us and said we had the same dynamics/problems as many single parent households. I still do the vast majority of the chores, but DH now engages with the kids much more. Therapy might help OP but we only got there after repeated crisis with our adolescent tween boys.

Your therapist was wrong. That’s not the dynamic in single parent houses - we earn all the money, do ALL the chores and do ALL the parenting too. There is no division of labor, just one parent to do all the labor.

but you don't have a ManChild around making messes, do you?
You also don't have a ManChild around being a poor parental role model.
I don't care if you pull in $1M gross if you are a ManChild you are lazy and selflish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always found it funny/ironic/entitled when the housewives of DCUM complain about equality. Listen, if you have chosen to be dependent on a man, especially once the kids are in school full time, you have zero room to complain. You are in essence a kept woman.
If these kept women that demand equality were faced with their husband says “you know, I’m tired of being the only person bringing in money, I’m going to stop working after lunch, I’m going part time at work. You need to pull the rest of the slack. But I’ll be there for soccer on Tuesday afternoon “.
Sorry babe. Your chosen job is your kids. You are a dependent. Suck it up or work like you have a family to support.

I grew up with a father who was largely disengaged from parenting. He work and then he come home and shut himself off in his office. He'd triangulate all important parenting decisions back onto my mom. It in his mind he thinks he's the greatest dad ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM

I had a similar situation as OP and after many years we ended up in family therapy. After about the first couple of sessions, the therapist looked at us and said we had the same dynamics/problems as many single parent households. I still do the vast majority of the chores, but DH now engages with the kids much more. Therapy might help OP but we only got there after repeated crisis with our adolescent tween boys.

Ok, ppl. A single parent has to parent and also worry about putting food on the table and roof over the head of the family. SAHM with unhelpful DH is NOT the same situation. OP doesn't worry about where the next meal is coming from. In a single parent household there is not dynamics with DH being disengaged - there is simply no DH. It's a big difference and I am a bit astounded that some people just don't see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM

I had a similar situation as OP and after many years we ended up in family therapy. After about the first couple of sessions, the therapist looked at us and said we had the same dynamics/problems as many single parent households. I still do the vast majority of the chores, but DH now engages with the kids much more. Therapy might help OP but we only got there after repeated crisis with our adolescent tween boys.

Ok, ppl. A single parent has to parent and also worry about putting food on the table and roof over the head of the family. SAHM with unhelpful DH is NOT the same situation. OP doesn't worry about where the next meal is coming from. In a single parent household there is not dynamics with DH being disengaged - there is simply no DH. It's a big difference and I am a bit astounded that some people just don't see it.

This. I'm a year into being a single mom - actually a single mom - whose ex lives thousands of miles away. He sends what he's required to send and not a penny more. He pays for their health insurance and contributes 1/7th of his income, has seen the kids four times, and I'm using all of my income to cover childcare costs, clothes, etc etc etc for the kids (not saving, not contributing to retirement). I'm not saying being a SAHM isn't lonely, or being in a bad marriage isn't sad, but it is just NOT the same. It's quite rude to consider yourself a single parent. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM

I had a similar situation as OP and after many years we ended up in family therapy. After about the first couple of sessions, the therapist looked at us and said we had the same dynamics/problems as many single parent households. I still do the vast majority of the chores, but DH now engages with the kids much more. Therapy might help OP but we only got there after repeated crisis with our adolescent tween boys.

Ok, ppl. A single parent has to parent and also worry about putting food on the table and roof over the head of the family. SAHM with unhelpful DH is NOT the same situation. OP doesn't worry about where the next meal is coming from. In a single parent household there is not dynamics with DH being disengaged - there is simply no DH. It's a big difference and I am a bit astounded that some people just don't see it.

This. I'm a year into being a single mom - actually a single mom - whose ex lives thousands of miles away. He sends what he's required to send and not a penny more. He pays for their health insurance and contributes 1/7th of his income, has seen the kids four times, and I'm using all of my income to cover childcare costs, clothes, etc etc etc for the kids (not saving, not contributing to retirement). I'm not saying being a SAHM isn't lonely, or being in a bad marriage isn't sad, but it is just NOT the same. It's quite rude to consider yourself a single parent. Stop.

Huh. I wouldn’t consider you a single parent either. Seems like you get healthy financial support and regular breaks from your kids when they go spent time with their other parent. Actual single parents don’t get either of those things.

[Anonymous]

Well they can get divorced and then she can be the single parent all you whiners are whining about.

As you divorcees already know, having an absentee partner, husband and father is not a good example for the kids. And can be quite lonely never knowing when you can rely on said “partner.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^. No. I have met men who work 40-50 hours/wk because that's what they want to do. And that is what they do regardless of how much their wives are working. What I have never met is a man working 60+ hours/wk at a very stressful job who significantly cut back in order to help out at home when his wife went back to work (as people keep suggesting the OPs husband will do).

Exactly. I SAH and my husband has a demanding job. He wouldn’t change one thing if I went back to work. He couldn’t “cut back” without getting fired - his job is his job. He doesn’t want a lower paid 9-5 no extras type job. Maybe OP’s DH is the same. Stop assuming all these men work “extra” because we SAH. Maybe it’s the other way around.